Had some bad news today

[LiamsMum]

Hi everyone
Hope you don't mind but it would really help me to talk about this at the moment. My dh was married once before, he has a 19 (almost 20) year old son and a 16 year old son who have always lived with their mother. DH and I have been together a long time now (married 10 years) and we have a two year old son. To cut a long story short, we have had regular access visits with the boys over the years, they used to spend every second or third weekend with us and also a few weeks a year during school holidays. Even though we've all gotten along well, I have always been secretly relieved that they haven't lived with us, mainly because of the added stress (dh travels with work and is always busy), and because my BIL and SIL are in a step-family situation and have had some terrible problems with it. We also had a situation a couple of years ago when the eldest son stayed with us for a while and it became a very stressful and difficult time.
Anyway... the terrible news is that their mother has just passed away. She was only 42, she went on a cruise with her sister and after a night out drinking, was apparently found dead the next morning. It is so tragic, my stomach has been tied up in knots all day. I feel so sorry for the boys and I feel very sad about her because I liked her, but at the pit of my stomach is this worry and uncertainty about what the implications are going to be for my own family now. I feel incredibly selfish thinking this way, but dh and his ex have had on-going problems with his eldest son and I feel that the two of them together would be more than I could handle. It may not come to that, I don't even know what is going to happen next, but I feel so wound up and sick to the stomach about what's happening. Would just appreciate chatting about this.. thanks.

The thing that occurs to me in reading all this is that you and your dh need to stand together on this. You need to have talked things through, your expectations of what will happen, what you want to happen (be honest!) what you are and aren't prepared to do, the knock on effects on Liam etc etc. It is too big a thing to happen without the two of you being strong together IMO.

The other thing I thought is what someone else said already. That because of their ages, if you did have them, they wouldn't be with you for the next 10 years, surely they would have been moving away from their mother in the next few years anyway. I know this doesn't make it seem better but it's worth remembering.

I really feel for you, what an awful thing to happen.

Liamsmum, if it does seem that it will be likely that the boys will come to live with you at least temporarily, perhaps it might be worth your being proactive about things. Invite them into your home, but make it clear that there will be rules that might be different than they had before. The older boy should expect to work and pay room and board and if the younger has finished school, he should as well (though perhaps at a lower rate that reflects the job options open to an under 18). Both boys should expect to do chores and help around the house, pick up after themselves, respect your rules regarding smoking, drugs, alcohol etc. Although they are teenagers I'm sure the death of their mother will affect them profoundly, perhaps more than it would a younger child. They will need their father and all the support you can give them too. But don't feel that because they have had a tragic loss in their lives, it gives them license to run roughshod over yours. If you set clear rules, while inviting them with open arms, you will be more likely to avoid resentment on both sides. In fact, some black and white rules may be the best thing for 2 kids who have just had their life turned upside down. (I find that my stepson, 8, is much better behaved and probably happier in my home than in his mothers because he derives great stability from my simple black and white rules and regulations) I know this must be very difficult for you. I have 3 stepchildren who, although they don't live with us, put a great strain on our lives through no fault of theirs. I just have to keep reminding myself of how I would like my children to be treated if I were to separate from my dh and he introduced a stepmother into my children's lives. Or worse, if you were to die, how would you want your dh's new partner to treat your child. Good luck. and p.s. make sure you discuss with your dh....these are his kids and he needs to deal with it despite working too much and being male.

Liamsmum - don't really know what to say, but thinking of you and hoping it will all work out ok. xxx

I totaly understand how you feel. I hope that some one on her side of the family can help out so the burdon is not on you, being in same situation 16yr and 18yr old step kids it would be my worse night mare it has been at the back of my mind for 12yrs. I did read some ones letter from the other view and understand how they felt, who ever they end up with, have to want them for there sakes surley.

Liamsmum
what a nightmare situation. And although its clear what an ideal reaction ought to be, when it actually comes to it most people never have an ideal reaction - and even if they do, brute reality will often change things.
I think what I'm trying to say is that whatever you do, you have here a place where you can express what you really think about the situation, even if you have to actually act in a different way. If you get really angry or upset, it's best to take it out here among people who won't judge you or be badly affected - you are a sufferer in this situation too, although in a different way from the boys, and your feelings and worries are valid and need expression. Wishing you the very best of luck.

Liamsmum, I am so sorry to hear about this dreadful situation, and I can understand fully how you are feeling. I too echo what others have said and that the boys are going to need all the support they can get, just take it one day at a time and be there for them and your dh. You probably need some space when the initial shock has worn away to think about what you need and the family needs, I know how easy it is to be swept along by circumstances and to end up resenting things. Time to yourself could help reconcile those feelings into something more postive to help you move forward whatever is decided about the long term future.
Good luck and I'm thinking about you.

No doubt the boys are going to feel just as awkward and upset as you (if not more after losing their Mum). You'll need to find every bit of strength you have to support them and your husband through this. They may need some counselling you could speak to your HV for some advice. Good Luck, you'll be fine. R

Liamsmum, can only agree with all the wise advice that you have been given. I want to echo Jodee's advice, that you have a strong faith to draw on and maybe this is what your stepsons need right now. It must be so hard and uncertain for you and I will remember you and your family in my prayers.

Liamsmum
Hope things seem a bit better no that the initial shock has worn off. I just want to reiterate that if you are to provide the support that your stepsons need than you are going to need support as well. And we are all here to provide that for you.

Just wanted to add my support Liamsmum. I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. The only solution is, after the initial shock and possibly the funeral, to sit down and talk to your dh about your worries for the future. He may well be thinking the same as you but too scared to say as it is such an emotive subject, he may be unsure as to what you are thinking. Also their mother may have made a will or told people of her wishes on what would happen to her boys if anything should happen to her - I know I have should anything happen to myself or dh.

How scary that she should die at 42 after a night of drinking - how many of us do that ourselves??? I wish you luck with this one and I too, will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you SO MUCH everyone for your support, it means so much to me. I've been berating myself for being selfish about this and I'm not proud of having these thoughts at a time like this. But I suppose it's the shock and all the "what ifs" that become very stressful, and you react in a way that you don't expect. Anyway I'm relieved that others here can understand my feelings at least.

The update on her death is that yesterday, a detective phoned and told dh that her body was found in someone else's cabin on the ship, and that they are treating it as a crime at this stage. They will be doing an autopsy when her body is flown back in the next day or two. The strangest thing is that one of her sisters phoned last night, and told us that dh's ex wife had said several times that she would die at 42 - apparently she had a dream when she was young that she would die at 42. They all basically took it as a joke and when she turned 42 earlier this year, they (her family) said to to her, "See, you're still here so there's nothing to worry about." And then five months later she's gone. The whole situation is so dreadful.

It looks now as if the eldest son may stay in the house where they've been living, and the stepfather may move in so he can be near his daughter. We're still not sure about the younger son yet but I will let you know what happens... thanks again for all your support.

Oh, how awful for everyone, Liamsmum, that not only has this poor women died but a crime could be involved, too. I hope you are coping with this blitz of bad news and do take some time out for yourself, if you possibly can.

Oh, Liamsmum, how totally awful. Don't feel bad, everything's been sucha shock. Hope that things work out.

Liamsmum, what a terrible situation to have to deal with, and this added sadness and uncertainty of the potential crime must have made it seem all the more bewildering.

Sorry I'm not 100% up to date - does this mean there may be a delay in the funeral etc? I hope you're coping. I'd also like to pray for you & family if that's ok.

Just thought I'd let you know that her funeral is on this Friday. There have been no results from the post mortem as yet, so we still do not know the reason for her death.

DH has been spending a lot of time at his sons' home (they are staying there at present with their sister & stepfather), so dh & I haven't seen each other much and when we do see each other, it's a bit stressful because so much has been going on. I'm struggling a bit with everything and dh is trying to be supportive of me while seeing to the boys' needs at the same time, so I know it is difficult for him. One thing I am uncomfortable about is that dh is going to speak at her funeral, but they haven't been together in over 15 years - apparently none of the family are going to say anything. As far as I know, dh and his ex's partner are the only ones who will speak. Sitting at the funeral amongst all her family, with dh speaking about his ex-wife is going to be a bit difficult for me!! (understatement). Those selfish thoughts again... oh, how I wish I could board a plane and come back in a week or two! Anyway a friend has also offered to come with me to the funeral (for moral support) but I don't know if this would be appropriate. Thanks once again for listening...

That will be a difficult day, Liamsmum. Does your Dh have to speak at the funeral - I mean has he chosen to? I've never been to a funeral where anyone but the minister has spoken, that's why I was wondering. But I guess at the end of the day, she was the mother of his older children so maybe that's what he will talk about?

If you go to the funeral then I think you deserve a friend to come with you and hold your hand. Your DH is having to be strong for his children and you need someone to be strong for you, too.

Thinking of you.

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I agree, I think helping out with the food is a really good idea - a perfect excuse to have to disappear if you feel uncomfortable, and a perfect way of showing your support for her family. I'm sorry you have this to deal with - you sound like you are being incredibly strong and supportive to your partner - I hope Friday is not too bad for you.

Dear Liamsmum
This is very hard for you but I personally would go to the funeral to support my dh. Remember it is only a ceremony, his ex-wife is dead and cannot harm you. Sorry if this sounds harsh or strange but I feel if you went to the funeral you would come to terms with the situation more quickly than if you don't go.

Liamsmum, I appreciate that this situation is really difficult for all your family. But surely your role at this time is to support your dh? You are his wife now and it would be perfectly right for you to attend this funeral. What you must do is accept that before he met you he had a history which included this major relationship, and they did have children together. I'm not meaning to criticise at all, but I will be blunt and say that IMO you need to get your own insecurities into perspective, not allow yourself to feel threatened by a woman who doesn't even exist anymore, and show your love and support for dh and his children. I think then you will feel that you have done the right thing.

I agree with what others have said - some funerals are the hardest on the planet to attend, and my thoughts are very much with you. But in one capacity or another, I think you need to be there. I think Robinw's idea of being busy and helpful on the day, maybe with the food, is an excellent one.

Liamsmum - yes take your friend for support (and help with the food maybe). But I agree that your DH does need your support but no reason why you should also not receive support from your friend.