Midwife has referred us to Social Services

[Nixina]

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

They'll talk to you about what was going on at the time and ask you some questions. They'll see if things are already in place to support you if it becomes difficult again, like your DP having MH support and a Doctor he can visit, you have a safe place to go/person to call. They'll talk to your children (sometimes alone) to try and find out if anything is worrying them, if they seem anxious etc. They'll probably ask if you have a support network and if you do, who those people are, and try to help put plans in place for if there was an emergency situation and you needed to contact one of these people/leave. They like to get an idea of how the family is, whether you have friends/relatives visit often and sometimes what your own childhoods might have been like.

Their main aim is to keep families together, so try not to worry too much although it can feel very scary. They just want to make sure your children are safe and not being exposed to violence. They may ask your partner to get a particular type of therapy (he may have to seek this himself through charities etc. if not provided in the area) and talk to him to see if he understands how [whatever he did] affected the children. When they talk to you, they'll be asking about how you could make sure the children are safe in that situation and that their needs come above the adult's needs. They will want to see in the children's bedrooms. They may talk to your husband's doctors and your children's school/nursery, as they may be able to give a picture of whether anything seemed different at the time and what might have changed now. They may also want to hear what signs are your partner is relapsing, so everyone can catch it early and know who you would call in this situation (GP/CMHT etc.), and also suggest you notify the school so children can be supported through this.

Try to keep calm and work with them, even when it's really tough. I don't know how your partner will react, but if you do feel in danger, please leave. If things are more resolved and perhaps he's now had treatment and has strong support in place to avoid that happening again, encourage him to work with SS and be honest that things weren't good then, but x,y and z has been done/is now in place to avoid it happening.

She asked for information; insight on what to expect, not for an interrogation.

I hope you're okay @Nixina

If you have privacy issues bothering you, you can ask MNHQ to remove your thread.

How do you feel things are now in your relationship OP ? Do you ever feel worried or scared by DH's behaviour ? If he gets stressed or angry do you feel that he might do something that will hurt you ? Do you manage your own behaviour so you do not cause him to become stressed or angry ?

Sorry OP if this is already been said but, the issue I guess is that you felt the behaviour was serious enough to mention to a HCP.

If you yourself didn't feel that there were any serious or lasting issues, you wouldn't have said anything and nothing would be happening.

So well done for looking out for yourself and your baby. Please remember that if a man is violent, they will be looking to remove him from the situation (I.e. your baby) and not you, as long as you yourself understand the risks and importance of not being in that kind of situation for baby's sake.

Usually I would say it's important not to demonize people with mental health issues. Men can do bad things when struggling with mental health, but violence to living creatures is not excusable.

It's a shame you are having to go through this at what should be a happy and exciting time. I hope everything works out okay for you. If SS see you are happy and loving parents who have a half decent home environment you will honestly be 100% fine.

@Yoloyohol "This wont go down well, but the fact is that better educated parents with nice homes, careers, and money, are more likely not to get picked up on by social services generally, unless or until things are really visible.
That changes if parents start giving out concerning information to midwives , nurseries, schools etc".

Incorrect. Midwifes, Childcare providers, nurseries, schools etc do not wait for parents to volunteer information. Assessments are made based on the children .

There is no discrimination between rich or poor. Childrens welfare is assessed based on what professionals see, hear and observe with interaction with the children.

There are a whole raft of safeguarding observations that do not distinguish between rich and poor or what parents do or do not divulge. No safe guarding would ever depend on what a parent says. Safeguarding around children is always child led.

@Yoloyohol why would even post such factually incorrect information?

I suspect the op doesn’t want to go into detail here. She just wants to know what will happen.

Midwives ask about domestic abuse, so it seems likely this is what was or is occurring, and he was also hurting the pets. The op has told because she knows the baby is at risk. Which is a very positive sign.

Op, you’ll be supported and protected if you allow it, and your baby protected, whether you do allow it or don’t.

I hope you’re ok 💐

@Yoloyohol

This wont go down well, but the fact is that better educated parents with nice homes, careers, and money, are more likely not to get picked up on by social services generally, unless or until things are really visible.

That changes if parents start giving out concerning information to midwives , nurseries, schools etc.

People from comfortable backgrounds are far less likely to know about others around them being investigated, and it can come as a shock to some who instinctively feel protected by those things, it's social/cultural capital privilege and if it's always been a protective element before, I don't think it's fair to jump on the OP for thinking it could make a difference.

Nixina whatever's been put on the form has clearly been an important red flag. Without knowing what it was you actually put, it's hard to know exactly why it's triggered concern, but as others have said violent/aggressive behavior to partners and pets, is concerning to the future safety of your unborn child and your, safety and his ability to control himself and be a positive thing in your lives.
What to expect is concern about your situation and the father of your child, and their need to ensure that child is safe. That's their job. As others have said it is important to work with them.

Unlike an PP, I agree. Living in a very poor area with a CAMHS service that had seen its budget shrink by 50% our family got overlooked.

Well spoken, middle class presenting, we got little support when actually the family had a child on the autistic spectrum with complex MH needs, an alcoholic father and a severely depressed mother. It took an exceptionally perceptive teacher to see how we were struggling and arrange for more support.

That aside, OP, it is a shock to find yourself referred to Social Care. Quite likely, if your partner is well now, all that will happen is that you will be sign posted to help should you need it. They don't have funds for continual monitoring unless a case is very severe.

F

This is why I don’t tell the authorities anything, they are a bunch of busy body’s.

Can’t believe a midwife asks questions like this nows days!! In my day they showed you how to bath the baby and tried to get you to breast feed!!

@Nanalisa60

This is why I don’t tell the authorities anything, they are a bunch of busy body’s.

Can’t believe a midwife asks questions like this nows days!! In my day they showed you how to bath the baby and tried to get you to breast feed!!

Really? A bunch of busy bodies when they are trying to protect a child?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

What to expect: SS will probably want to talk to you about your relationship and any possible safeguarding concerns for your unborn child. Depending on what happened, they might just leave it at that. They might make some recommendations. Don't worry, there is nothing to be afraid of, I would recommend being open and honest with them. Once you get over the shock, you can see this as something positive for you and your family. (I speak from experience)

@Nanalisa60

This is why I don’t tell the authorities anything, they are a bunch of busy body’s.

Can’t believe a midwife asks questions like this nows days!! In my day they showed you how to bath the baby and tried to get you to breast feed!!

Idiot

Is it any wonder the OP hasn't come back with the nasty / judgemental comments by some posters. This could be someone reaching out in a desperate situation but the response may well have put her off.

Bluntness100

Well sorry I’m not ashamed of myself!!

I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him. Lots of people have times when there mental health is not be so good. Then when they have got over it they won’t need social services bring it all back up.

Now because of this midwife her and her husband are probably worried about the thought of social services.

Not sure OP is coming back and I don’t blame her, in trying mumsnet style people have ripped her apart for mentioning her wealth and lifestyle.

OP, if you are still reading please don’t be scared of social services, it’s likely they will want to look into dh’s past and make sure his mental health is now under control, if they feel there’s no risk to your child then they will soon disappear. If they feel there is a risk then you need to do what they ask of you to prove otherwise. If you feel there’s a risk then obviously that’s a different story and you have to protect yours child.

Midwifes and health visitors do ask questions about your relationship and they do it for a reason, to make sure the child/ren are safe. If you told them your dh has been violent in the last then of course they are going to flag it up to social services.

Nanalisa60

I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him. Lots of people have times when there mental health is not be so good. Then when they have got over it they won’t need social services bring it all back up.

Because no woman ever had a baby with an unsuitable man. Lots of people have poor mental health, I do, however I have never treated any person or any animal badly because of it. What's to stop OPs DH treating the baby badly in the future if he's previously done it to OP and their pets?

@Nanalisa60

Bluntness100

Well sorry I’m not ashamed of myself!!

I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him. Lots of people have times when there mental health is not be so good. Then when they have got over it they won’t need social services bring it all back up.

Now because of this midwife her and her husband are probably worried about the thought of social services.

Yep, idiot

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form..

What made the midwife concerned?

Nanalisa60 This is why I don’t tell the authorities anything, they are a bunch of busy body’s.Can’t believe a midwife asks questions like this nows days!! In my day they showed you how to bath the baby and tried to get you to breast feed!

"Idiot" Well said @CodenameVillanelle another successful MN mission!

@Nanalisa60,

Many people cope with mental illness but do not abuse other people or animals.

As a social worker I would be most concerned if a pregnant woman relied to me that her partner had been abusive in the past.

Nanalisa60

I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him.

Wow...just ..wow

The politest thing I can say is you have led a very sheltered life!

Did the Midwife ask you if you felt safe at home ?