Midwife has referred us to Social Services

[Nixina]

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

slipperyeel

Too many people blaming the OP here and asking why she stays. She is the victim.

Yes. She's a victim who's allowed her/their dog to be a victim, and is proposing to allow potentially the same with a baby.

She is his victim.
The dog is a victim of both of them.
The baby has a high potential to be the same.

And yes, I am aware of the severity of shaking a baby, and also aware I could face a sentence if anything happened

That comment is CHILLING. Your concern is more about not getting in trouble than protecting your child

And as pps say you CANNOT be immediately present ALL the time when he’s possibly dealing with a fractious screaming baby!

I reckon ss and all the other people in real life who have concerns have you both sussed!

Your extensive minimising and denial could well end up with your child being removed at birth and they would be right to do so

The fact they got in touch so quickly when they’re massively busy/overworked also strongly suggests they are VERY concerned - again I think they’re right

You also seem far too preoccupied with deceiving ss and ‘getting them off your back’ than being honest and getting the support and protection you and the baby actually need!

The worry about telling him was that he would feel hurt, which would hurt me - but I see your points.

Honestly? I don’t believe what you’re saying here

Would he actually let a doctor believe this if it wasn't true? yes absolutely he would! Because it serves his need not to get done for being abusive, gets him an excuse and a medical professional defending him!

and their needs come first as you fully appreciate actually I don’t think she does. I think she SAYS she does when directly asked but many many other comments show her priority is her abuser. I understand that’s because that’s what he’s trained her to do, but that’s the truth.

Op you need to leave him! He is not safe or kind and you are at best risking your child being removed from you at worst risking your and the baby’s health and lives.

I say this as someone who was that child, and it has left me with mental health problems and a view of the world that has taken me my whole life to try and fix

Another one here who was “that child” I’m willing to bet most posters on thread have experience of abuse and that we’re not coming from a perspective of having lived sheltered privileged lives where someone raising their voice slightly is a shock

BUT instead daily treading on eggshells, trying to avoid “triggering” the abuser, hiding the abuse from others from misplaced shame, minimising, denying, or even worse witnessing the other parent (who was supposed to protect us) minimising and denying, feeling in danger in our own homes, constantly on high alert...

Then even when we’ve left the abuser not trusting people, having difficulty forming relationships, choosing poorly re relationships, feeling unworthy of love or kindness, developing or finally recognising the many mh effects, never really feeling safe in the world... THIS is what you are potentially giving your child a lifetime of if you don’t leave!

If he shook a dog (btw completely disgusting and abusive) he could easily shake your baby!
Imagine when you’re both tired and the baby is crying due to hunger/colic whatever.

Could you seriously trust him to keep his cool?

You’re minimising his behaviour, which is typical of abuse victims.

Get the fuck away from this ‘man’ or forever worry what he could be capable of.

Dear god. If he can shake a dog, he can shake a baby.

Maybe he is calmer now, maybe he want to be a good father. But at 3am, when he's exhausted and the baby is screaming yet again - that's what the midwife is worried about.

OPO - you are the victim of domestic abuse and violence. You seem to have disassociated from it - but you, and your baby, will be in danger. Not to mention the poor dog

Dear god. If he can shake a dog, he can shake a baby.

^^this

Maybe it's just me but I cannot tolerate animal cruelty or abuse. I just can't. It would've broke my heart if my DH picked up our dog or cat and shook it while screaming right in it's face. That's a deal breaker to me. It would far more shocking than an affair. I would be out of the house that same day and gone. For good. Full stop. No going back. I could never see my DH pick up an animal and shake it and scream in it's face, continue our relationship as normal, and then get pregnant to him. I just couldn't. To me, abusing an animal is just as bad child abuse. I just don't understand how you could see him do that to a defenseless animal, stay with him, and breed with him. I just understand, and I'm horrified at your blaze' attitude to what he did. I could NEVER look at him the same way ever again.

@Kalula

* Maybe it's just me but I cannot tolerate animal cruelty or abuse. I just can't. *

Yes, it’s just you

The rest of us relish animal cruelty

She is his victim.The dog is a victim of both of them.The baby has a high potential to be the same

This. Anyone that hurt my pets would be in hospital. Possibly the morgue. Utter fucking cunt. Rehome your dog if you can't keep it safe OP. It's the least you can do.

He threatens suicide? Hope springs eternal!

Sounds like your midwife is absolutely doing the right thing. MC people get overlooked all too often imo because they know the 'right' answers to give to avoid referral. I wish I'd been honest with my midwife the first time i was pregnant 15 years ago. I could have got away from my abusive partner so much more easily.

And yes, I am aware of the severity of shaking a baby, and also aware I could face a sentence if anything happened

This made my blood run cold.

Thank got the MW reported this and you are both now on their radar.

If you can't tell a man you've told a professional, who is employed to check you and your baby are in a place to be happy and healthy, about his previous behaviour without being worried about his reaction... he isn't someone you should be having a baby with.

I appreciate that may sound too late now but if you don't leave him and start seeing how risky this situation is, you're in danger of being scrutinised (rightly in my opinion) for a long while and potentially having your child removed from your care if you continue to display this level of coldness.

You don't seem to realise how detached you sound from this. He screamed in a dogs face. He held you down. He terrified you. He threatened to kill himself to control you - most abusers resort to this when they feel control slipping.

So what happens when your baby arrives if you stay with him? The baby won't sleep, won't stop crying - he screams in their face? He shakes them? He takes them in the car and threatens to kill himself? He holds you down and says if you make too much noise he'll hurt the baby? These are common things abusers with no emotional control and a short fuse do.

When he gets frustrated or angry, YOU have to help him regulate that by soothing him. He's an adult. If he can't do that himself he isn't ready for an adult relationship. Especially not with a baby involved.

At some point you'll have to choose his happiness or the baby's happiness. At the moment it sounds like you'd go for his.

Babies and children test the patience of even the most together people. Everything you have already been through will be hugely magnified when you are sleep deprived.

Please for the sake of you and your child you need to listen.

@Nixina

Please look in the mirror, look into your own eyes, and accept what you see.

I know you're scared, you're unsure about what's happening and what will happen.

Just look, deep inside yourself, you know what the truth is.

Please reach out to someone IRL if you're able to, if not please visit Women's Aid and read the information there.

PM me if it would help you.

Please be safe for yourself and your unborn child 💐

Op, I really think you would benefit from speaking to women’s aid. They will be looking out for your best interests and will tell you honestly what they think your best options are.

Please don’t be offended by this and I say this as someone with a similar condition myself, but do you think there is any possible chance you yourself could have an undx ASC, making you more vulnerable?

I am just wondering because some of the ways you are explaining things are very reminiscent of the way my dd1 talks about things and she does have HFA.

Just in case my initials aren’t clear I meant could you be bright (As you clearly are from your profession) AND on the autistic spectrum

Op, please consider trying this (non-diagnostic) link - if anyone of this sounds familiar you may want to consider the possibility of an ASC

If none of this sounds familiar then obviously please ignore my posts

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test/adult-autism-test-results/results

Sorry - I’ve given you a link to my results! Try this instead:

www.clinical-partners.co.uk/for-adults/autism-and-aspergers/adult-autism-test/test?restart=d7d35dc72a50b159d504adbd9085c960

Oh god, everything @newnameforthis123 has said. Please read and re-read her post.

You are rationalising away serious emotional and physical abuse.

If a bunch of strangers on the interest can see this a trained SW and other safeguarding professionals will see it in seconds.

It's not Chinese whispers. It's a properly rational and objective response to the situation. Your perspective might feel like being rational and scientific to you but your responses are actually indicative of someone who is being coerced and controlled and is in thrall to their abuser.

If you can't show that you see this and that you are taking steps to get out of the situation you will quite rightly be flagged as a very high risk set of parents.

Please, please call Women's Aid because I think you need someone objective to talk your through how both his your behaviour are following well worn, empirically documented paths.

Hey OP,

Your husband does sound like someone who doesn't have everything together enough to cope sometimes.

It's a concern that he had an issue with the dog having attention. A baby will occupy you all day everyday for months and months, if not years.

Being pregnant is the 'nice' part living with a baby is stressful.

They have decided to do an initial assessment. They are concerned and want to make sure your baby is safe. Just like you do.

All you need to do is be open and honest. If they can see that both of you are working with them that's the best.

If not then you need to make up for him and prove you can safeguard your baby.

Good luck with everything. Most women do tend to protect their baby rather than their partner.

The ones that don't have children who suffer from their childhood difficulties for their whole lives.

@Nixina I've read your posts and I need to add to the other people who are worried for you.
What you have posted is really concerning and he is an abuser. The suicide threats is part of that, part of his pattern. You walking on eggshells and trying to 'manage' him is not ok and it's not what happens in a healthy relationship.
Him giving you the silent treatment is also abusive and controlling behaviour.

You may well have had a period of calm but as others have said, having a baby puts incredible pressure on even the most stable of relationships. I really fear for you and your child living in a home with a man capable of behaving that way towards you and your dog.

OP, I'm sorry but I really do believe that you and your child are in danger. If your husband shakes your baby in a rage he could permanently disable or kill them. He could kill you.
This is not your fault, you are not the abuser but you do need to act to protect your baby and yourself.
Please work with social services, get some support from women's aid and consider how you can keep you and your baby safe.
I think you need to leave him.

My heart goes out to you OP. I was in an abusive relationship for 8 years and I was extremely naive about it. I thought my ex was on the autistic spectrum and had depression which was why he was so verbally abusive. I made so many excuses for him. It escalated over the 8 years and by the end he was physically abusive to my older children too. These men are so clever! They manipulate and pull the wool over your eyes. Even after we split it took me a year to realise he was abusive and also a lot of work from my Women's aid support worker to actually unpick it all. I know SS can come across negatively in these situations. I had a bad experience with them too. I'm glad they are involved with you though as you have been so conditioned by him that you and your baby are at risk. Don't think that because he's been okay for two years (actually he hasn't, you still have to tiptoe around him to manage his moods and I'm sure there are other things that have happened that you haven't written about) he is fine now. This is how the cycle of abuse works. A few years into our relationship I called the police on my ex because he threw me into the bathroom. He wasn't physically abusive again (until the end) but the verbal abuse ramped up. He also did lots of nasty things I didn't know about. (Rubbing my toothbrush on soap ect ect.) Please, please, please contact women's aid. They will help you. Also listen to the advice on this thread, you've had lots of great advice. In my case I've been separated from my ex for nearly four years. I'm now suffering from post separation DV. I'm being dragged through the courts for the second time in two years over child custody. I regret not leaving him sooner. I regret not getting him arrested when I had the chance.

Evening, OP.

We can see several people on the thread have suggested talking this through with Women's Aid. Just in case you did want to do that, there's a number here on our web guide as well as some other contact details that might be of help if you wanted to talk any of this over with a professional.

I think autistic spectrum is one possibility or possible contributory factor.

Another is that the op has been so affected by abuse (either by this man or possibly was also a victim of abuse on a previous occasion, which would also explain why the current abuse doesn't seem "that bad" to the op) and has become numb as a result