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Original poster

Midwife has referred us to Social Services

348 replies

Nixina · 26/09/2020 16:31

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

OP posts:
mushforbrain · 26/09/2020 18:20

@amispeakingenglish can you explain why you think it’s a bad idea for a healthcare professional to flag up any potential risk of abuse to a baby? Or domestic abuse to a mother? Seriously what are your reasons for this being an ‘overstep’?!

Serin · 26/09/2020 18:21

OP, do not be scared of social services.
They are there to ensure you and your child are safe.
Whatever your DP did, it could obviously happen again and they need to make sure that you are not in danger.
I hate that midwives and SS come in for this flack. I work with social workers and IME they are the most unjudgemental of people.

cakeandchampagne · 26/09/2020 18:22

@Nixina You can get help and get away from him now, if that is what you want to do.

nevernotstruggling · 26/09/2020 18:25

Midwife doing her:their job then!

Happyotamus · 26/09/2020 18:27

@JulesCobb there is no mention of children in the OP's post...

GaiaLady · 26/09/2020 18:27

"DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated".

Irrelevant in safeguarding.

CyCye · 26/09/2020 18:28

Are you still there OP?

TeddyIsaHe · 26/09/2020 18:30

@amispeakingenglish

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?
How else do midwives find out about horrific abuse then? There’s a reason that at your first appointment if your partner is with you they will be asked to leave.

It saves women’s and children’s lives. DV is proven to escalate when a women is pregnant.

Retracting anything would just mean SS investigate more, because the woman would be assumed to be coercively controlled.

Ohalrightthen · 26/09/2020 18:34

[quote Happyotamus]@JulesCobb there is no mention of children in the OP's post...[/quote]
...apart from the baby she's having. Hence, midwife??

Thisisnotnormal69 · 26/09/2020 18:36

Depends on what it is he did?

lottiegarbanzo · 26/09/2020 18:37

What to expect? I don't know exactly but would expect a sensible, fact-finding conversation and offer of support and helplines, in case your DH becomes stressed, anxious, depressed and exhibits difficult or threatening behaviour again. It's all about supporting you as a family, to keep your baby safe.

Yoloyohol · 26/09/2020 18:42

This wont go down well, but the fact is that better educated parents with nice homes, careers, and money, are more likely not to get picked up on by social services generally, unless or until things are really visible.

That changes if parents start giving out concerning information to midwives , nurseries, schools etc.

People from comfortable backgrounds are far less likely to know about others around them being investigated, and it can come as a shock to some who instinctively feel protected by those things, it's social/cultural capital privilege and if it's always been a protective element before, I don't think it's fair to jump on the OP for thinking it could make a difference.

Nixina whatever's been put on the form has clearly been an important red flag. Without knowing what it was you actually put, it's hard to know exactly why it's triggered concern, but as others have said violent/aggressive behavior to partners and pets, is concerning to the future safety of your unborn child and your, safety and his ability to control himself and be a positive thing in your lives.
What to expect is concern about your situation and the father of your child, and their need to ensure that child is safe. That's their job. As others have said it is important to work with them.

CodenameVillanelle · 26/09/2020 18:42

@amispeakingenglish

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?
Screening for domestic abuse is a vital part of midwife appointments. Can you really not understand why?
Bluntness100 · 26/09/2020 18:44

@amispeakingenglish

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?
This can’t be serious?
Rollingdragon · 26/09/2020 18:44

As long as your DH's behaviour doesn't put you at risk again then there will be no problem. The concern will be that domestic abuse often starts or escalates in pregnancy and soon after birth, so now is a high risk time for you and the baby. I hope you are safe. If not use any support you are offered.

dreamingbohemian · 26/09/2020 18:45

I think people are asking 'what did he do' because it sounds like the OP might be minimising it.

If what he did was rather minor and in the context of severe depression, then it's easier to advise the OP not to panic.

If he did something very serious and the OP doesn't seem to appreciate how bad this behaviour is, then that would obviously be a more serious concern to social services, as they would be questioning her judgment too.

SoulofanAggron · 26/09/2020 18:45

How do you feel about him and the stuff he did, and how he acts, how your relationship is now? Are you anxious about how he will be with you, the animals and the baby in future?

That you mentioned it is because you wanted them to know. I think you are not sure about the things he's done and what they might mean.

BloggersBlog · 26/09/2020 18:46

@JulesCobb

hopefully the op has realised whatever her husband did to the children and animals previously is not ok, and there is no good excuse for abusing children and animals, and she is making plans to leave.
Wow, that is some stretch from OP saying items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal to him now being a child abuser
Thesearmsofmine · 26/09/2020 18:46

@amispeakingenglish it has been around for at least 10 years, I was asked about my relationship back in 2010 then again with my later pregnancies. Pregnancy and the stress of a new baby can be a time when abuse begins or ramps up.

OP I hope you are safe, I’m glad that you told your midwife what has happened in the past and now you can be given any support that you may need.

Scweltish · 26/09/2020 18:47

Ops not coming back

JulesCobb · 26/09/2020 18:48

[quote Happyotamus]@JulesCobb there is no mention of children in the OP's post...[/quote]
You're right. Im mixing up two threads.

Op, there is no good excuse for him abusing you and abusing your pets. Also, the fact he has previously abused animals is a major warning that he will likely move on to the child. There are many studies linking animal abuse to child abuse and domestic violence.

...child and animal maltreatment do not merely co-exist, but are linked. As such, it has been suggested that the existence of animal cruelty in a family context may be relevant as a potential indicator that children in that family are similarly at risk. In their review of the literature and their report on the work of the NSPCC Links Group, Becker and French state that: Professionals in the United Kingdom can no longer afford to ignore the potential links between child abuse and animal cruelty. The two forms of abuse should not be seen as mutually exclusive; it needs to be recognized that they can co-exist, or there may be associations between the two, and that there are consequently implications for policy and practice.

Also, 1997, Ascione
Surveyed 38 women seeking refuge at a domestic violence shelter and found that 74 per cent reported having a pet killed and 71 per cent reported the pet(s) were threatened or harmed.

JulesCobb · 26/09/2020 18:50

Wow, that is some stretch from OP saying items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal to him now being a child abuser

It is really not. The op hasnt been back. The op was very vague and didnt say what the issue was here, but it was enough for her mw to refer her to ss.

Notapheasantplucker · 26/09/2020 18:57

Are you coming back op? We have questions...

Echobelly · 26/09/2020 18:59

I've not been there OP, but one thing to remember is that referral to Social Services is not a one way route to having your kids taken away, your parenting being judged or anything. They have just identified you as someone who might need support in the first instance and that's all there is too it. If your DH's actions were the result of an acute episode they will want to take note of that and perhaps check in with you if he's showing any further signs of such episodes.

SunshineCake · 26/09/2020 19:04

I think she's been scared off.

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