Midwife has referred us to Social Services

[Nixina]

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

@Nanalisa60
"This is why I don’t tell the authorities anything, they are a bunch of busy body’s"

This is why the authorities don't wait for you tell them! They come and see for themselves. They don't tell you what they find and observe.

As you were @Nanalisa60

Small babies affect the mental health of both their parents. It can be a hugely stressful time. If your oh has been violent before when mentally unwell then this is bound to be worrying to the midwife.

The best thing you and your oh can do is co-operate and engage fully with anything the social workers want you to do, parenting courses etc.

Please remember keeping your baby safe is the most important thing in the world now, and the baby cannot be safe if you are not safe. Your OH and his mh come behind your baby and you now.

Good luck op.

GaiaLady
There is no discrimination between rich or poor. Childrens welfare is assessed based on what professionals see, hear and observe with interaction with the children.

And how they then translate what they see, hear and observe, and the assumptions they make based on their own bias.

I'm sure their are many professionals who are genuinely free of, or self aware of their bias, but plenty who are not.
Schools can be one of the biggest offenders when it comes to deciding if parental behavior is concerning or acceptable based on background. Many parents with alcohol issues severe enough to affect parenting are just seen as 'social afternoon drinking' as opposed to alcoholism.
Random strings of teenagers supplying each other to theoretically 'look after' a child while parents are out of the country? Not a problem if they fly under the title 'Au Pair.'
Severely underweight child; concerns repeatedly dismissed because parent was a "health professional." After the child became severely ill
it turned out to be parent ran a 'well being' business head been translated as health professional.
CAMHS often have their own issues when it comes to MC parents.

No safe guarding would ever depend on what a parent says. Safeguarding around children is always child led. If that was automatically true, Daniel Pelka among countless others would still be here.

Why would I even post it? Because sadly it's anything but factually incorrect, and precisely why lots of people believe that the right background can make a difference, as the OP appears to think and is wrongly getting a hard time over.

Kittykat93

There is no child abuse, she has not even had a baby yet!! Her DH had problems a few years ago when he was suicidal and depressed, he has now got over this episode in his life hopefully with help from mental health professionals.
But now a midwife had decided to bring it all up again, if the op had thought that her husband was not over this or mentally not up to being a father, then I doubt she would still be with him our would have decided to have a child with him.

Now they are probably both very worried and anxious about social services getting involved, just what they need !! More anxiety just what they both need.

She has also decided not to come back on to this thread!! Don’t blame her !!

Nanalisa60

I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him. Lots of people have times when there mental health is not be so good. Then when they have got over it they won’t need social services bring it all back up.

Pmsl. I'm a social worker....

Now because of this midwife her and her husband are probably worried about the thought of social services

Yes that’s why. Couldn’t possibly be anything to do with hurting her or their pets, it’s just cos the midwife had rhe temerity to ask

You’re totally right, she should have just said, ah are you sure it’s ok now hun? That’s great.

I honestly hope you’re just drunk and tomorrow will wake up embarrassed by this.

The midwife isn't going to have made the referral because the DH had been depressed or suicidal in the past.

It is something in the treatment of OP and the pets that concerned her not the depression.

Health workers couldn't have been less bothered about my DH having depression because he wasn't violent to anyone with it and sought treatment.
Most people with depression aren't aggressive or a risk to others.

(Also a social worker if that matters.)

@Nanalisa60

Kittykat93

There is no child abuse, she has not even had a baby yet!! Her DH had problems a few years ago when he was suicidal and depressed, he has now got over this episode in his life hopefully with help from mental health professionals.
But now a midwife had decided to bring it all up again, if the op had thought that her husband was not over this or mentally not up to being a father, then I doubt she would still be with him our would have decided to have a child with him.

Now they are probably both very worried and anxious about social services getting involved, just what they need !! More anxiety just what they both need.

She has also decided not to come back on to this thread!! Don’t blame her !!

So you condone the animal abuse the OP mentioned? There is a strong link between animal abuse and child abuse.

Her DH had problems a few years ago when he was suicidal and depressed, he has now got over this episode in his life hopefully with help from mental health professionals.

Did you see the part where OP said DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back? Do you know what can affect mental health? The stress/lack of sleep/anxiety around a newborn, imagine the midwife didn't raise it and something happened? This way the OP and her DH can have extra support if needed.

@Yoloyohol lessons have been learned.

DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back?

The OP has chosen not to come back to this thread. They clearly didn’t like the responses.

Don't think OP is coming back to explain exactly what she said to the midwife that set the alarm bells ringing.

Bye bye OP

Nanalisa60
"I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him. Lots of people have times when there mental health is not be so good. Then when they have got over it they won’t need social services bring it all back up"

@nevernotstruggling 😂😂 @Nanalisa60 ok then !

@Bluntness100

Especially if he was hurting defenceless animals. I really hope that’s not it.

It’s one thing to hurt a human but hurting animals knocks me sick.

This might be the first time ever, but I totally agree with @Bluntness100

@Nanalisa60

People like you, with your attitude, put vulnerable children at risk. Maybe have a think about that.

GaiaLady "lessons have been learned." TBH I read this as the opposite extreme as Nanalisa60s posts and just as dangerous. Wishful thinking - everything's clearly fine now, stop looking, why can't people just go with that?

Professionals aren't perfect, they're human, often over loaded, and many carry their own beliefs and issues. The vast majority do their best in difficult situations, but quite simply attitudes and biases of all sorts persist, and the idea that some perfected system now exists ensuring such things can't happen is a dangerous disprovable delusion.

Nixina I'm sorry some people picked on you for raising your background. Hopefully you've found a few things from some here that are useful to you. Remember you can name change if you need, and there's several sections of the board you can get advice.

Please read and reread lakesidewinter's post. She's spot on.
You were right to tell your midwife whatever you told her. You've chosen not to say here what he did, but please don't minimize it. Treating your partner and animals in particular ways when unwell in the past, is a huge warning sign about potential abilities to cope in the future with the stresses and changed relationships with a new baby, without specific support. I hope you get appropriate support.

@nevernotstruggling

Nanalisa60

I’m sure that the op is quite sure that her husband is going to be a good father, otherwise she would have not decided to have a child with him. Lots of people have times when there mental health is not be so good. Then when they have got over it they won’t need social services bring it all back up.

Pmsl. I'm a social worker....

Also chuckled. I work with DV families

I really don't understand being more upset at the abuse of innocent, helpless animals than innocent, helpless humans. I don't eat or wear animals, I don't use products tested on them, I support serious penalties for animal abuse, but I don't think it is worse to abuse an animal than a human and find it odd when people do.

I haven't run away, I tried to reply yesterday when I saw the notifications flooding my inbox but cannot get on the site on my mobile, so had to dig out the laptop.

I'm actually overwhelmed by how quickly MN replies compared to forums for other stuff! Wow.

I have read all 147 posts. Thank you to all the helpful people who have given me insight into the SS process as asked, and for all the advice I have received.

My initial post was to try and get some insight into what would happen, I can add some detail if that gets me more help. He has never hurt us. I would call his behaviour during his depression rage, and I would say that he always used to behave like a spoiled toddler, for the entire time we had been together. I just ignored this and didn't give in. We didn't argue so much as he yelled at me, threw things, slammed doors, stormed off an and then gave me the silent treatment much like a child. When he was enraged if the dog tried to get attention he would pick it up and scream in its face. I may have mentioned shaking it slightly at the last appointment, and that may be what prompted the SS referral, but I'm not even sure I remember that correctly anymore as it was 2 years ago. 18 months ago he was screaming at me and didn't think I was listening, so grabbed me and held me down which scared me. He then left and since he had done that to me I was thought he was about to commit suicide so called the police out of concern for his life and ended up having to tell them what he had just done. They came to see me and sent me a 'victim leaflet' and suggested he got counselling. I didn't file charges, in fact didn't think that warranted a police report. My line manager and boss know about this, but they didn't report it to up to Safeguarding.

There was no way I was having a baby with him whilst he displayed this behaviour. We have worked together and he is a more calm rational adult now, non of the childish behaviour. He doesn't shout, we try to keep him calm so we can talk things through. He hasn't picked up and screamed at the dog for 2 years. He knows his behaviour was wrong.

He hasn't spiralled down during the pregnancy, in fact it's having the opposite effect as he wants a family and is good with other kids.

We are not well-off (doing well just meant no current debts), I cannot afford maternity leave beyond my company's 2 month OccyPay. We do not live in an affluent area - the council estate abuts my road but it's not a problematic area. I know being poor doesn't = social services, we both grew up in working class families well below the poverty line so we learned the value of hard work and scrimping rather than spending. I was merely pointing out the facts about our lives for completeness so that people could give me relevant advice compared to other SS referrals I've read about. I do not appreciate all the judgement, it says more about the biases you all have towards 'council estates' and poor/'well-to-do' people than me.

Your whole post is about him. You have not written about you except in relation to him.

Social services will want to know that you can act in the best interests of your child when faced with a choice between your man and your child. Many women choose the man.

Social services will be alarmed if you talk like this last post. It is full of minimising and putting all responsibility onto him. You should have left him when he was acting like a toddler. You didn't. Even when he grabbed you and pinned you down you didn't kick him out, he left when he chose to leave. You then describe ringing the police apologetically, explaining that it was only because you thought he was suicidal.

At no point do you describe why you repeatedly made dumb ass decisions to stay with a man who was treating you like shit. That will be alarming to SS. It alarms me. Stop thinking about him. Think about you.

He shook your dog in rage. OP please be aware that having a baby is a stressful life changing thing, especially when a newborn baby cries or fussed or won't settle. There's obviously concern that he might develop rage from the stresses of a newborn and the last thing anyone wants is any harm to your baby. I know you're saying things are better but that type of rage is not normal and even the risk of it happening again is not something to expose your newborn to. Please work with SS and take all the advice they give you.

We try to keep him calm. Doesn't sound great tbh. Poor dog.