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Original poster

Midwife has referred us to Social Services

348 replies

Nixina · 26/09/2020 16:31

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 26/09/2020 16:58

Well if he was hurting defenceless animals that's a pretty big red flag when you'll be bringing a defenceless tiny baby to him.

And if he was a danger to you, then that's another red flag. Abusers have a habit of escalating when a woman is at her most vulnerable. The birth of a baby is a common trigger.

Social services don't do this for shits and giggles.

What you told them was obviously alarming enough to trigger this. Also if you were blasé about it and didn't seem to understand the seriousness, that's another risk. Then there's the possibility that what you disclosed was not the full extent, since people do often minimise these things.

Work with them. Be honest. He needs to show them he is not a danger.

BadDucks · 26/09/2020 17:00

You make reference to pets and I’m not sure what you can do to pets that would raise concern with SW other than be violent towards them?

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2020 17:01

Having a new baby is very stressful and a huge chang so a risk of the behaviour rising again that they need to check. In addition if he was potentially hurting small animals, he is a risk he would hurt a baby.

In addition it’s not just the physical risk to the baby, it’s the emotional one, if a child potentially growing up in a chaotic home.

Ultimately they need to work out how much risk this baby could be at, both emotionally and physically and work out if your able to protect the child, or if they need to stay involved, or ultimately remove the baby because neither of you can be trusted, either him not to abuse or you to put the child first and protect.

Ginkypig · 26/09/2020 17:03

Just in case you are worried op no one is saying any of this in a judgment way they are simply pointing out that a persons circumstances don't make them immune and that it the behaviours that have bern exhibited that is the important element.

The reason people are asking is so they can offer you relevant advice not because they are being nosey.

IDontMindMarmite · 26/09/2020 17:09

Love that you led with your money. Well done, you're not poor.
Sorry about your husband though.

Bluntness100 · 26/09/2020 17:09

Op can you be clearer? Are you worried he will find out you told?

Afibtomyboy · 26/09/2020 17:12

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Happyotamus · 26/09/2020 17:13

@Nixina

Seems like everyone wants to know the gory details but no one has answered your question.

Social services will have a chat with you first off, and they will ask your version of events of what has happened in the past. They may want to speak to the mental health team that treated your partner, and will want to know what kind of support network you have around you, want to know that your partner was treated and have examples of how his behaviour has changed and will want to be assured he is compliant with his medication.

They will check with health providers who treat both of you, and, they will either close the case (if they are satisfied there is no risk) or keep you on their records and offer additional support if there is a minor risk, or specify other points if their is a greater risk.

Try not to worry about it, but do be honest with the social workers about everything that has happened. Whatever you do, do not lie. This is protect you, and your baby.

thefishthatcouldwish · 26/09/2020 17:14

OP please remember your midwife has a duty of care to the baby.

This has worried her enough to flag children’s services.

What they will want to ascertain is will the baby be safe if your DH has another suicidal flare up. What safeguards will you have in place if he did and you felt worried about yours/babies safety ?

Inkpaperstars · 26/09/2020 17:14

I think you'll need to give a bit more information before anyone can tell you what to expect.

You report this in a fairly indirect manner, saying there were issues flagged on the questionnaire. Do you think your DH had or has a problem?

CandleWick4 · 26/09/2020 17:16

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

Not sure what any of this has to do with anything really. People with good jobs and gardens can be abusive. What’s your question really? Your DP has a history that has raised red flags with your midwife and she’s referred on to make sure there are no safe guarding issues. Standard procedure I would imagine

MandosHatHair · 26/09/2020 17:18

I am glad you were honest with them OP, continue to be honest with them, do not try to backtrack and follow any reccomendations SS give.

WorraLiberty · 26/09/2020 17:18

This thread is totally pointless without the obvious missing info OP.

You're just going to come back to 100+ posts of 'what did your husband do'.

justasking111 · 26/09/2020 17:19

If you put information on the form that raises concerns why would you think it would be overlooked? Glad your midwife is on the ball.

WhoUsedMyName · 26/09/2020 17:20

More to the point all people with ss involved must have skanky houses and be poor 😑 the stigma is real

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/09/2020 17:20

What the hell did he do

JohnnyJohnnyYesMama · 26/09/2020 17:22

It sounds like you have a good midwife, if you have nothing to hide then social services shouldn't be a problem, they are there to support you and make sure the baby is safe

Happyotamus · 26/09/2020 17:22

It really doesn't matter what he did - going forwards it will be about the perceived risk to the child, and the mother and the mitigation around those risks.

FatCatThinCat · 26/09/2020 17:25

The details don't really matter. He was displaying worrying behaviour aimed at defenceless animals. The midwife is right to flag this up, whatever 'this; is.

Azif · 26/09/2020 17:30

@Nixina. This must be a terrible concern for you.
You may not have thought anything about the incidents when your DH was unwell but aHV will be worried should DH become ill again and the possible affect on you and baby.
If you’re open and honest with them they will assess whether you need support going forward. They are not there to snatch babies for unfounded reasons.
I hope it all goes well for you Flowers

Devlesko · 26/09/2020 17:34

If he is cause for concern, then it's as well.
If he isn't then ss will close the book.
They like to keep families together where possible.
It depends on what he did, and whether he is stable enough now.

stretchedmarks · 26/09/2020 17:34

As you haven't given details about what your partner did, I won't comment on that.

However, it seems as if you're shocked to why you've been referred to SS. Being "well off", living in a "nice" area and being "educated" will not cancel out worrying behaviour. Your midwife was entirely reasonable to refer you. SS involvement isn't just for poor people with 1 GCSE living in a high crime rate area as you seem to assume Confused. It's really quite judgemental for you to think that. It's entirely, and only, based on the perceived risk to the baby.

It isn't anything to fear, though. You just need to work with them and demonstrate that baby is in no danger and will be properly loved and cared for. Be honest and if everything is fine, it will be fine.

However, if your partner is a risk to baby then I would advise doing everything they say and working with them. Baby needs to be the priority here. Not your lifestyle, etc.

MojoJojo71 · 26/09/2020 17:35

Sadly many women experience domestic abuse for the first time during pregnancy and for those who have suffered previously it unfortunately can become a trigger point for escalation and further abuse. You did the right thing disclosing previous issues to your midwife and she did the right thing to refer you, you and your baby need to be protected.

BewilderedDoughnut · 26/09/2020 17:37

If he has behaved badly towards you and animals in the past for whatever reason (mental health included) you are bonkers to have gotten pregnant by him.

FelicityPike · 26/09/2020 17:41

To give a little story in regards to your “we have loadsamoney” comment.....I once knew two surgeons, VERY very rich people (like Uber rich), who had their under 1 year old in our nursery. DD was immaculately dressed, looked very well cared for etc. Until one day we had to take her socks off as she’d had an explosive nappy and noticed that “someone” had been putting cigarettes out on her bare feet.
Yep.....people with money can absolutely abuse their babies.