Page 3 | Midwife has referred us to Social Services

motherofdxughters · 26/09/2020 17:41

SS are going to take this very seriously, especially since he exhibited these behaviours during a time of depression and presumably high stress. A baby is a very difficult experience and it will be extremely emotionally demanding. It's not uncommon for those with previous mental health issues to exhibit the same issues during pregnancy and parenthood.

Comply with them, whatever they ask. Do not minimise the behaviour in any way or state that the behaviour was firmly in the past and will never happen again. You need to demonstrate adequate provisions for if it should arise again and highlight your support network. Detail any therapy your partner may have received or is willing to receive. Everything needs to not only be kept a log of but also evidenced where possible via emails and letters etc.

There is a chance it'll be a one off visit but there may also be a chance they'll be there for a while, at least through pregnancy and into early infancy. You must be prepared to work with them and, if necessary, leave him for the safety of yourself and your child.

Poppinjay · 26/09/2020 17:41

Well done to the posters who have had a pop at the OP for mentioning her job/income.

There are times when it's appropriate to point things like that out and when a pregnant MNer is describing abuse and a referral to social care isn't one of them.

OP, you need to be open and honestwith social care when they contact you. They are likely to try to clear things up over the phone and close the case quickly. If they don't feel able to do that, they will ask to visit and will want to speak to you away from your DH to make sure that there isn't ongoing abuse.

It is common for domestic abuse to escalate when you are pregnant or there is a new baby around so please think carefully about the position you are in and whether you and your baby are genuinely safe.

ifhedoesntlikeithecanstuffit · 26/09/2020 17:42

On a bit of a tangent (as OP seems to have gone quiet for a bit) - I can totally see why all this might be relevant but is it something new? It's 12 years since I had my DCs but I don't remember filling out any forms asking questions like this?

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not saying it's a bad thing to try and identify any risks or need for support right at the start, but I wasn't aware it was something that happens. (And I wonder how many people answer honestly, for fear of what has happened here?) Is this now a usual thing?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 26/09/2020 17:47

It doesn't matter how nice your house is or how much money you earn, abuse is still abuse and the midwife is right to be concerned.

Afibtomyboy · 26/09/2020 17:49

@FelicityPike

To give a little story in regards to your “we have loadsamoney” comment.....I once knew two surgeons, VERY very rich people (like Uber rich), who had their under 1 year old in our nursery. DD was immaculately dressed, looked very well cared for etc. Until one day we had to take her socks off as she’d had an explosive nappy and noticed that “someone” had been putting cigarettes out on her bare feet. Yep.....people with money can absolutely abuse their babies.

And, what happened?

Such horrific child abuse by two surgeons would have made the papers

If reported and proved true though

Happyotamus · 26/09/2020 17:49

Is this now a usual thing?

Yes.

Happyotamus · 26/09/2020 17:51

@Afibtomyboy and there would have definitely been a GMC Fitness to Practice Tribunal and guess what - having looked through them all recently for a research project I am working on there is no tribunal with such details as far as I can recall.

unmarkedbythat · 26/09/2020 17:51

If there are no current safeguarding issues a social services assessment shouldn't impact your life much at all. A referral to social services is not an accusation of guilt, it's a request for an assessment of need. The midwife and her safeguarding lead aren't best placed to undertake that assessmen, social services are. Depending on what the issues you have disclosed are and the current situation, you may find this results in no more than a single contact from a SW.

It's good that you disclosed the information, even if you are now understandably worried and upset. Transparency, honesty and engaging are all positive factors which are looked on favourably.

Afibtomyboy · 26/09/2020 17:52

[quote Happyotamus]@Afibtomyboy and there would have definitely been a GMC Fitness to Practice Tribunal and guess what - having looked through them all recently for a research project I am working on there is no tribunal with such details as far as I can recall.[/quote]
Yes so either the PP posting that story taking utter bull shit

Or

The nursery didn’t report

Either way...

FelicityPike · 26/09/2020 17:55

@Afibtomyboytbis was in Australia and they removed the child from the family and both served a pathetically small amount of jail time (dad more than mum), both claimed stress and mental health disorders from their jobs, both lost their license or whatever. After that, I don’t know.

Sertchgi123 · 26/09/2020 17:57

@Nixina

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

When a referral is made to a Children's Social Worker, the first thing that happens is a search to see if any other referrals have been made and also to see if there is any known history about a family.

Social workers will also talk to any other professionals involved with your family. For example, this could be a GP, Health Visitor, Teacher etc. Obviously in your case, this would be limited as you are pregnant.

Midwives do ask everyone about domestic violence these days, as sadly it is so common and pregnancy and the birth of a baby are known triggers.

From what you've posted it's difficult to say how involved Children's Services would want to be. There is a known link between animal cruelty and child abuse, so this could be a red flag.

My advice would be to work with Children's Services and be completely honest with them. I hope everything works out.

amispeakingenglish · 26/09/2020 17:57

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?

popsydoodle4444 · 26/09/2020 17:58

@Nixina

I'm so sorry so many people are heckling you on here for the paragraph of your post.

You're understandably worried about SS being involved.To gain some more perspective on your situation I think we'd need a little more information on what happened during the time his mental health was in crisis.The mentioning of the pets suggests an incident there.

Friendsoftheearth · 26/09/2020 17:59

OP, can I just say a referral is nothing to feel afraid of, they are there to keep you and your baby safe, and they are there to help you.

It simply means that they will offer extra support (if you need it or ask for it) they can ensure you are feeling safe and confident when your baby arrives. They are there for you and your baby, so please don't feel alarmed.

Just to stay calm, be honest and try not to worry. They are certainly not there to scare you. Once they are happy that you are managing (well mainly your dh) you probably won't see them again.

Is your dh now having plenty of support for his mental health? Is he under the care of a GP and/or other professionals. It is very important he stays on top of his appointments, and is comfortable about parenthood and the baby's arrival. Does he seem okay now?

Sertchgi123 · 26/09/2020 18:01

@amispeakingenglish

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?

It's not that new actually. It's a good thing that midwives ask, as pregnancy and childbirth are known triggers for domestic violence.

Advising the OP to retract everything is very bad advice. The OP has been open and honest and that is a very good thing.

randomer · 26/09/2020 18:08

is this real?

Rhine · 26/09/2020 18:09

One of the worst families I’ve ever come across were middle class professionals who lived in a lovely detached house in an affluent area. But the kids were absolutely fucking filthy, feral and had terrible behavioural problems. The eldest daughter was basically bringing up the younger ones because mummy and daddy couldn’t be arsed.

I really hate this idea that only the poor abuse and neglect their kids. No they bloody well don’t is the answer to that!

justasking111 · 26/09/2020 18:10

Well I know for a fact that this type of questioning has been around for 6 years.

MojoJojo71 · 26/09/2020 18:10

@amispeakingenglish

Bloody hell is this a new thing! Asking about your relationship!!!! Bit of an overstep isn't it. She's a midwife not a marriage guidance counselor. What on earth did you put to flag this up? I would retract everything tell her to butt out, unless this is a cry for help?

It absolutely is not an overstep, some pregnant women can need a lot of support and they and their children can be vulnerable to abuse so asking about the relationship is a vital part of routine antenatal care. In fact some women would never disclose unless directly asked. It’s not new, I trained 15 years ago and it was routine then.

lakesidewinter · 26/09/2020 18:11

would retract everything tell her to butt out

This is terrible advice and would look like you were hiding potentially serious issues.
It is nothing to do with marriage counseling and everything to do making sure you and your baby aren't aren't at risk of harm.
If there is no current risk SS won't stay involved.

iklboo · 26/09/2020 18:13

We can't advise if you won't answer.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 26/09/2020 18:13

Don’t think the OP is coming back 🤷‍♀️

Dawnlassie · 26/09/2020 18:15

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

Not sure what thats relevant.

Happyotamus · 26/09/2020 18:16

I'm not sure the OP was saying those factors meant her and her child would not be at risk of abuse

They will (mostly) been seen as mitigating factors though, particularly when looking at stability of family life and stressors of family life.

JulesCobb · 26/09/2020 18:18

hopefully the op has realised whatever her husband did to the children and animals previously is not ok, and there is no good excuse for abusing children and animals, and she is making plans to leave.