Midwife has referred us to Social Services

[Nixina]

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

@Eastie77

You are a Scientist and seem to be analysing the likely impact of this man's behaviour as if it is all some kind of experiment. As a PP said perhaps this is simply the way you approach things but the comment about not allowing the baby to be hurt so as to ensure you do not go to prison sent a chill down my spine.

It wasn't meant like that - someone else had already mentioned a couple where the worst had happened, said he got sentenced and she felt guilty for years. I was merely adding that I know this and that if something happened I'm aware I could also face a sentence, not to mention the loss of my career, on top of the lifelong guilt and grief that it would no doubt cause. Protecting baby from harm and the sentencing were 2 separate points. I might have been too brief when I typed it, it was past bedtime.

I am probably slightly detached from baby atm as this is my first pregnancy, I don't really feel pregnant yet, and there is still a risk of miscarriage, so I don't want to let myself become too attached yet. I still suffer with bouts of grief a decade after a loss and I guess I am protecting myself from those feelings until I at least 'feel' pregnant and ideally we are past the risk of miscarriage.

His reaction to telling him was that he cried, he's convinced that SS will take baby because that's 'what they do'.

SS do not "take babies" as only a court order will allow the removal of baby or child from it parents.

His reaction to telling him was that he cried, he's convinced that SS will take baby because that's 'what they do'.

So it won't be his fault? He needs to turn off the crocodile tears and turn on the taking responsibility for his actions. He hasn't changed at all. It's just a matter of time.

someone else had already mentioned a couple where the worst had happened, said he got sentenced and she felt guilty for years

Could I just clarify that the mum concerned felt guilty about the fact that her child was now brain inured and disabled for life because of her partner’s violent temper.

And she felt guilty that she had not been able to protect the baby for his father . I don’t know if he hit or shook the baby - apparently shaking carries a risk of death of 25%.

And she felt guilty because she insisted on staying with her partner and fighting to Get the child back instead of separating from him and working with social services.

Because of her guilty feelings she didn’t enjoy having contact visits with Her child in foster care, So she stopped seeing him.

Of course I don't know if she ALSO felt guilty that her partner went to prison, but I think she mostly felt guilty about the injury to the child.

SS don't just "take babies". They will work with you and your situation but if you don't follow their advise and safeguard your baby yes your baby would be taken into care.

You need to listen to them.

It's great that you are posting on here and you are open and honest.

It's also REALLY GREAT that you were open and honest on your midwife assessment.

Forums can be harsh places - but also a great source of support.

Please keep posting, OP. You are in a difficult situation and can get a lot of support.

Once social services have assessed the situation they will work with you and give you options. They won't just take your baby. You need to show you are prepared to do as they ask.

SS don't just take babies, they have no power to do so.
Work with them, put your dc first and you will be okay.
Your DH needs to understand that it is his aggression that has created this situation nothing else.

His reaction to telling him was that he cried, he's convinced that SS will take baby because that's 'what they do'.

How awfully selfish and insensitive of him.

He told you, a pregnant woman, that SS would take your baby away because of him!

Did say "I will do anything to protect you and the baby"?

Did he offer to move out so you stand a better chance of keeping your baby? Or did he assume you would keep him and sacrifice the baby?

Did he comfort you? Did he tell you he would do his best to make it be OK? Did he hug you? Did he apologise for bringing this to your door?

Did he recognise that you are the victim not him?

Agree with all you just said TORK

OP I hope you are well. This is the difficult situation for you. I believe that your partner is a walking bomb. New baby is a tremendous stress and lack of sleep. Please seek legal advice regarding the Care order. You both have to work with social services and ask if there is anything you can do to proof that you are fit to parent. This is from the website: www.brendanfleming.co.uk/care-proceedings/social-services-can-take-your-baby/

In order for social services to take your new-born baby, they must hold a Pre-Birth Protection Conference where they will lay out their concerns that your baby is likely to suffer significant harm after birth because of the care they are receiving.

In order for the Court to issue a Care Order, it must be satisfied that:

1	Your child is suffering or likely to suffer significant harm; and
2	That the harm or likelihood of harm is attributable to:
3	The care given to the child is not what it would be reasonable to expect the parent to give him; or
4	The children are beyond parental control.

These factors are what is known as the Threshold Criteria. Only if these are met can a Care Order be issued

@FelicityPike

To give a little story in regards to your “we have loadsamoney” comment.....I once knew two surgeons, VERY very rich people (like Uber rich), who had their under 1 year old in our nursery. DD was immaculately dressed, looked very well cared for etc. Until one day we had to take her socks off as she’d had an explosive nappy and noticed that “someone” had been putting cigarettes out on her bare feet. Yep.....people with money can absolutely abuse their babies.

Some people are evil.

Bring back the death penalty. What happened to the little girl?

His reaction to telling him was that he cried, he's convinced that SS will take baby because that's 'what they do' I bet nothing is every his fault.

Op, crying is also another tact of abusers. He is trying to control you.

God bless you and this baby OP. Well done for posting and asking for other peoples opinions. Your baby is in danger OP and you've rightly been referred to social services. You're managing his behaviour to keep yourself and him safe. It's a codependent relationship (have w google). Why not ask what counselling service are available to you? You've done the right thing starting this thread. You're already a good mum trying to look out for her child. Keep going. Speak to women's aid.

I assume most parents would both put the child first if it came to the crunch and the child was likely to be removed by social services due to concerns over one of the parents. Not saying you are there yet OP, but if I were in a position like this, but assuming totally no risk really existed, there would be doubt in my mind that if I could keep the baby only by splitting with my partner I would do so. If I was the source of concern I would be very clear to my partner that I would leave rather than risk the baby ending up out of the care of either parent. If, as in your case, there was a genuine concern about risk, I would be assessing it myself aswell as relying on social services.

But the point I am trying to make, not very coherently, is that both you and your partner should be prioritising your baby here. I know it is early days, but if all goes well and your baby arrives safe and sound as I hope they will, you need to be clear that you would not be staying with your partner if the consequence is having the baby taken into care. He should be clear that, even if he feels unfairly suspected, he would leave before he saw that happen to his child or to you. If either of you feels differently, it rings some alarm bells.

Your partner saying 'that's what they do' is a rather pathetic attempt to dodge his part in this or the alternatives such as him leaving.

Others know much more than me but if it did come to him leaving, I expect supervised visits and a reassessment as the child grows older might be part of the process? Just a guess, no direct knowledge of this.

Of course given what you have said about his abusive behaviour you may not want this, and it may well be best for you and little one to move on.

A few things

1. Social services are not wanting to take your baby. They have enough kids in care already, all they want to do is assess risk.

1. If they feel he's a risk but you are not they can advise you to live separately with only supervised visits.

1. They really do understand mental health. They also will have access to previous files in these circumstances.

1. Please put your child first, take the emotion out and think to yourself, is he a risk - you know more than any of us - if you think the answer is yes then contact women's side.

Having a child is challenging for any couple. The early days of sleep deprivation, feeding, changing etc can cause little rows between even the most stable couple.
What would you do if he screamed at your baby like he did the dog?

Op I've suffered mcs too plus a dx of endo, ovarian torsions and several surgeries...

I was similar when pregnant with dd, didn't want to totally believe it would happen until she reached viability stage and even then I didn't totally relax, that's normal after loss to a point

His response is worrying for a number of reasons

Not taking responsibility for his actions

Setting up a "defence" for someone else being responsible

More crocodile tears

Not sensibly approaching how to communicate with ss

Ss are NOT "child snatchers"

I've had involvement with them as a single mum with serious mental illness and ALSO due to ex making malicious and unfounded reports of neglect/abuse (totally no reason he was just shit stirring - which they immediately realised and explained they have to check - which I understood from their perspective)

Every time they were sensible, supportive and genuinely helpful.

When it was because of my mh they helped with connecting me to local support groups, providing a listening ear to dd and I and when I was very ill and dd was being cared for by a relative made sure I felt ok with that and then supported us when dd came back home.

I'll forever be grateful to them, especially one particular sw who made me laugh (my main dx is ocd) by saying (at a time when my place was chaos! And not at all tidy!) that her home looked like a tornado had been through it compared to mine!

Several times she gave me "permission" to not "do it all" when I was stressed thinking I'd "be in trouble" because the dishes weren't done or whatever. She was lovely

Your midwife has done the correct thing here. I am sorry to say you do need social services involved 100% your baby will be in a high risk situation. Class and money have nothing to do with who needs help. Your DP behaviour is an absolute massive red flag. Shaking a pet makes him really dangerous.
Baby's scream and scream and scream and drive normally calm people who have never hurt a fly to breaking point and yes slaking babies. So common in fact that midwifes and health visitor s are constantly telling every single family to put the baby down and walk away for a few minutes now when they reach that point.
If your husband has shaken a dog think what he could be driven to do with a screaming baby.
SS will be looking to protect YOU and your baby. Work with them and be a good mother. 100% honestly from you is needed.
Your DP needs to do whatever they ask him to and he must acknowledge he has had problems.
SS do not judge you on where you live what job you do or how lovely ( or not ) your house is. But they damn well judge behaviour.
They way out is tell them everything and make him do whatever programs etc they ask , and be willing to have lots of support and involvement from professionals. Except all help, support etc etc welcome them in and talk to them. Do not avoid or hide anything.

So is this your first pregnancy or the second one after a prior miscarriage, as you're contradicting yourself, OP?

I've suffered multiple MCs and if you've been through this before then I can understand your initial detachment better. If you haven't, I'm really struggling to understand it.

@PurplePansy05

So is this your first pregnancy or the second one after a prior miscarriage, as you're contradicting yourself, OP?

I've suffered multiple MCs and if you've been through this before then I can understand your initial detachment better. If you haven't, I'm really struggling to understand it.

I think the Op said it was her first pregnancy but it’s still early on so she knows there is a risk of miscarriage.

She didn’t say she’d had a miscarriage and I don’t think she’s contradicted herself. She did mention grief and loss but that’s not necessarily pregnancy loss, it could be any type of loss or bereavement.

I think that it’s quite normal to feel detached in early pregnancy in those circumstances. We all have our own way of coping with loss.

Tears are a very common tactic. He still hasn't taken responsibillity for his past behaviour. I think SS are right to be concerned and I think you should be far more concerned than you are.

OP, I just wanted to say well done for being honest with your midwife. You did the right thing for your new baby and I hope you’ll be able to get the help you need.

There are lots of red flags about your partner and the relationship. Do try to be open minded to this as denial will mean you aren’t able to protect your baby. You need to see his behaviour for what it is.

If he shook your dog, I dread to think how he will cope with a baby crying incessantly.