Midwife has referred us to Social Services

[Nixina]

I'm looking for some information about our future.

DH and I are doing well financially, I've got a very good job, he's self employed. We have a decent home and garden in a good neighbourhood, and are both well educated.

However at booking when I filled out the questionnaire about us the midwife was a bit concerned and had me fill out a more detailed form about our relationship. My score was low, but the items raised about DHs behaviour to me and our pets when he was depressed and suicidal a few years back had her raise me with her safeguarding lead, and now they want to involve social services.

I'm just wondering if anyone can give me some insight into what to expect.

*cross-post

,From my conversation with her today, and the many responses on here ... how do I rationally explain myself to a SW if everything I say is going to be perceived as "minimising" and met with "seen-it-all" before prejudice based on other cases, rather than what I believe to be an "in hindsight" objective analysis of both of our behaviours? I'm a scientist - by nature I critically analyse all sides and I don't like the fact that they won't let me tell all sides without thinking that I am 'minimising' the severity.'

You need to leave him. They will always take precious cases into account. You need to take freedom steps and by choosing your child you will demonstrate that you are committed to safeguarding.

Your thinking is very bizarre. You mention being sentenced if anything happened to your baby. Surely worse is that your baby could be hurt or worse?
Why would you not be straight with your partner about why you will both be assessed? You don't need to invent scenarios to explain it, or you shouldn't.
Incidentally, being given the silent treatment is a form of abuse, psychological abuse. So clearly he's not completely turned himself around if he still abuses you in this way.

But the two may very well be linked, a mother should be focusing on safeguarding the child not on the best case scenario. I don't understand your thinking.

Besides, what is even this consideration as to whether you should tell him it's a SW? Are you partners or what? If so, why would you even consider not telling him this is a SW and what the situation is?

Unless you are scared of him/his reaction.

I'm not the best with tact - how do I explain to him the impending visit from a SW, especially when they are visiting with incorrect facts? I had told him we were going to have additional support due to our past histories with mental health, and he seemed to accept that no issues, but do I need to warn him that I know it's a SW that will be assessing us? Do I claim that the SW has looked into our medical/police record and that's how they know everything? No I'm not worried he'll hurt me or anything that bad, as I said to the SW, I think at worst it may lead to the silent treatment for a few days whilst he feels hurt and betrayed.

Well presumably his first thoughts will be with the fact that it's understandable that SS want to assess because his behaviour in the past was out of line, but now he's changed, then they'll find no problems. Obviously, he'll be happy that child safeguarding is actually done in our country - better assess when not necessary than the other way around?

But it sounds like you're fairly certain that that won't be his response. A few days silent treatment is not normal, it's emotionally abusive.

Have you had a look at the freedom programme and the types of abuser? Might be worth a peek.

I also find your comment about the risk of being sentenced extremely bizarre and frankly, rather concerning. It's as if you're completely detached from this child and his/her needs and safety aren't a priority to you. This is how it sounds and I can't get my head around it. It's all very concerning IMO.

This thread is really disturbing me.

I am a sw in children's services.

When I am working with women in abusive relationships they usually do all of this minimising and justifying behaviour and mostly they are so far in they don't realise they do it. They don't actively seek to minimise. They have just been groomed for so long that either they have lost sight of the boundaries of healthy relationships or due to their past experiences they never knew where they were anyway.

It's so so sad and so hard to crack as a practitioner.

The op is worried about her h reaction when he finds out about ss. It's clear she doesn't think he will hit her etc but there is anxiety about his reaction. Emotionally abusive relationships are varied and subtle and very complex.

The paragraph about the perceived degrees of cruelty/discipline etc brought me back to 2012 when I thought if I just got in with things I could survive my marriage. That was very chilling.

Op are you minimising? Because there is clearly more to this as you mentioned a police record. You don’t get that for screaming and shaking an animal

So is the social worker right? Because what you’re saying he did, does not equate to police involvement.

To say you don't want to take a risk as you don't want to get a sentence is actually horrifying.

Is that the only reason to protect the child you decided to bring into the world?

Please put your child before anyone. Just because your accustomed to your husbands behaviour doesn't mean a child should be abused.

Do I claim that the SW has looked into our medical/police record and that's how they know everything

What caused the police record op?

Please take steps to protect yourself and your baby. This man is a vile and abusive arsehole. You don’t need him to raise your child.

@anotherhumanfemale

I'm not the best with tact - how do I explain to him the impending visit from a SW, especially when they are visiting with incorrect facts? I had told him we were going to have additional support due to our past histories with mental health, and he seemed to accept that no issues, but do I need to warn him that I know it's a SW that will be assessing us? Do I claim that the SW has looked into our medical/police record and that's how they know everything? No I'm not worried he'll hurt me or anything that bad, as I said to the SW, I think at worst it may lead to the silent treatment for a few days whilst he feels hurt and betrayed.

Well presumably his first thoughts will be with the fact that it's understandable that SS want to assess because his behaviour in the past was out of line, but now he's changed, then they'll find no problems. Obviously, he'll be happy that child safeguarding is actually done in our country - better assess when not necessary than the other way around?

But it sounds like you're fairly certain that that won't be his response. A few days silent treatment is not normal, it's emotionally abusive.

Have you had a look at the freedom programme and the types of abuser? Might be worth a peek.

anotherhumanfemale:

Well presumably his first thoughts will be with the fact that it's understandable that SS want to assess because his behaviour in the past was out of line, but now he's changed, then they'll find no problems. Obviously, he'll be happy that child safeguarding is actually done in our country - better assess when not necessary than the other way around?

Thanks - that has actually given me some hope and courage - I tend towards pessimism and castrophising (or whatever the word is). You are right, this might be his reaction! :)

Nixina your actually in a very very vulnerable position right now whether you can believe it or not. The SS and other agency’s could see that just by going off what you said.

In reality SS don’t care about you or him. They want to know this baby is not going to come in to any harm. And you may have to jump through hoops now to prove it.

The shaking the dog and screaming in its face is scary. Don’t convince yourself he would never do it to your baby because you just don’t know. Having a new baby in the house crying all day and night is very stressful and can also put a lot of pressure on new fathers. Even The best marriages can take a hard knock as every one is tired.

You see this man as a spoilt toddler, I and other posters and trained professionals see him as potentially dangerous.

Tell your dh the truth. His behaviour will be very telling. After all it’s his behaviour that’s caused it.

When SS come - listen to what they say. Don’t defend him. Tell the truth. The minute you start defending him they will think you are minimising.

Personally I’d have left when he shook the dog. That was cruel.

"And yes, I am aware of the severity of shaking a baby, and also aware I could face a sentence if anything happened to our baby, so I wouldn't put it at risk. I do welcome additional support where needed"

Actually read what you have out here. You wouldn't put your baby at risk as you would go to prison? I would never ever ever knowingly put my 4 kids at risk and it's for lots of reasons. I love them, I would die to protect them, they are the most important thing in the world to me. but prison? That's the very LAST reason I would put on my list.

You come across as very cold, detached and also now fearful of your husbands reaction to ash this. It's 100% totally right that SS should be looking into all this as you couldn't safe guard your bloody dog and were happy to put up with being treated like absolute shit for years. All of your previous behaviour, and his previous behaviour - suggest that this poor baby is going to be as unlucky as the dog to be saddled with you both. Social services can and will take your child if you refuse to safe guard them ..... and if that means leaving your abusive animal and wife accusing husband then what will you do?

Sorry didn't mean to post the whole quote - still getting the hang of this forum

You say things are fine. You say you would always put your child first. Yet you are wrecked at the thought of even telling him that SS are coming round to do an assessment due to his oast behaviour. You expect him to punish you. You think you would have to tell him tactfully.

1. He knows what he did before was wrong. He had therapy that was successful, in a remarkably short space of time. He is thus sure to be OK with owning the situation and talking to the SW. He will be glad of the extra support to make sure he stays steady.

Or he will be angry that you let people know what he does. Which means he is still abusive.

Which is it?

@TorkTorkBam

You say things are fine. You say you would always put your child first. Yet you are wrecked at the thought of even telling him that SS are coming round to do an assessment due to his oast behaviour. You expect him to punish you. You think you would have to tell him tactfully.

1. He knows what he did before was wrong. He had therapy that was successful, in a remarkably short space of time. He is thus sure to be OK with owning the situation and talking to the SW. He will be glad of the extra support to make sure he stays steady.

Or he will be angry that you let people know what he does. Which means he is still abusive.

Which is it?

Yes, exactly this.

@TorkTorkBam

You say things are fine. You say you would always put your child first. Yet you are wrecked at the thought of even telling him that SS are coming round to do an assessment due to his oast behaviour. You expect him to punish you. You think you would have to tell him tactfully.

1. He knows what he did before was wrong. He had therapy that was successful, in a remarkably short space of time. He is thus sure to be OK with owning the situation and talking to the SW. He will be glad of the extra support to make sure he stays steady.

Or he will be angry that you let people know what he does. Which means he is still abusive.

Which is it?

Point taken.

The worry about telling him was that he would feel hurt, which would hurt me - but I see your points.

@Bluntness100 I think the police record relates to a time when the husband held OP down during an argument and then went off in a state, she rang the police out of concern for him and had to explain the situation which was noted by the police. Correct me if I have that wrong OP.

@HotPatootiebootie

"And yes, I am aware of the severity of shaking a baby, and also aware I could face a sentence if anything happened to our baby, so I wouldn't put it at risk. I do welcome additional support where needed"

Actually read what you have out here. You wouldn't put your baby at risk as you would go to prison? I would never ever ever knowingly put my 4 kids at risk and it's for lots of reasons. I love them, I would die to protect them, they are the most important thing in the world to me. but prison? That's the very LAST reason I would put on my list.

You come across as very cold, detached and also now fearful of your husbands reaction to ash this. It's 100% totally right that SS should be looking into all this as you couldn't safe guard your bloody dog and were happy to put up with being treated like absolute shit for years. All of your previous behaviour, and his previous behaviour - suggest that this poor baby is going to be as unlucky as the dog to be saddled with you both. Social services can and will take your child if you refuse to safe guard them ..... and if that means leaving your abusive animal and wife accusing husband then what will you do?

Because it hurts to much to think about that possibility.

[quote Inkpaperstars]@Bluntness100 I think the police record relates to a time when the husband held OP down during an argument and then went off in a state, she rang the police out of concern for him and had to explain the situation which was noted by the police. Correct me if I have that wrong OP.[/quote]
correct - concern that he was going to commit suicide due to how he had just behaved towards me, and that he had considered suicide the previous time we had had an argument a few months before

Your updates are awful. He is abusive. And you cannot see it. You need to listen to the social worker and keep your baby safe.

You said he would give you the silent treatment. It doesn't matter why that is, whether he is hurt, betrayed or anything else. The upshot is that you say he may act in this way, which is abusive. What he should actually do is feel glad that someone is looking out for the safety of your unborn baby. As should you. This doesn't seem to be the case though. This is why this ss referral was needed.

correct - concern that he was going to commit suicide due to how he had just behaved towards me, and that he had considered suicide the previous time we had had an argument a few months before

This is a common tact by abusers. This is not an excuse. It is further levels of abuse.

I'm a social worker and honestly OP you sound like most of the abused women I need to speak to when their children are referred to me. It's so tricky to work with and provide support as until both of you accept there's an issue, you don't have any motivation to change/leave.

You sound scared of his reaction to finding out that you told people about his behaviour. That's not a good sign.

I outlined earlier in the thread what you can expect from social work involvement. It sounds like they have opened a child protection investigation as they have done checks without your consent. Honestly, work with the social worker. Encourage your partner to fully engage in the assessment and if he doesn't surely that's a sign that he is not committed to ensuring that he will display sustained change in his behaviour. Will that be enough for you to accept that he is dangerous?

Ask yourself what he would need to do for you to decide that he is not a safe person to be around. He has already been violent towards you and your dog - what are your boundaries now?