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Is it always this personal on Mumsnet?

132 replies

musica · 15/09/2002 18:02

I've been posting here for about a month and a half, and for the first few weeks I thought it was great - everyone seemed so friendly and supportive of each other, and even when people disagreed it was with a humourous However, over the last couple of weeks, more and more threads seem to be concluding with someone saying "I won't be posting here anymore" - please tell me this is unusual - it's so sad that so many people seem to be feeling they have to leave because of what others have said personally to them.

OP posts:
justiner · 16/09/2002 22:43

Hi all,

On the subject of trolls... Without wanting to encourage an invasion (!) we don't actually think we've got a troll problem on mumsnet at the moment. For some reason one of our regular members temporarily changed nicknames and decided to act like a troll (Madonna). Some of her postings were very funny but some have created confusion all round. We can only apologise and ask Madonna to remain on "Holiday".
It is technically possible to use someone else's nickname during the period in which they change to another one. Tech is, as we speak, working on a system of reserving nicknames for a substantial period so this is not the case. We might also look at making it a bit harder to change nicknames as we don't want to encourage too much schizophrenic behaviour amongst members. Having said all that we aren't aware of any nickname hijacks - certainly no one has contacted us to complain of such a thing. In our view the current upset is a bit of a storm in a teacup. That's not to say that it's been pleasant and we apologise to all those who've found it stressful etc. We know how you feel!

Justine, Carrie and Rachel

PamT · 16/09/2002 22:46

Its really sad that all this is going on. I know things have been said that maybe shouldn't have been but at the end of the day we are all grown ups and should apologise if we upset someone, but then again are all entitled to our opinions. Its a bit of a shocker that so many people have decided not to post anymore and I think it will be a great loss to the site.

I've been on another board recently where a troll has been causing exactly the same problems. It turned out that it was the partner of one of the members who was deliberately stirring up trouble. Again, this has caused a lot of upset and people have felt the need to leave as a result.

I haven't followed the threads closely enough, and I don't have the brains (brians) anyway to work out who is at fault, if any particular individual has caused it. I think it is all just down to strong opinions and misunderstandings. I wish we could turn the clock back!

PamT · 16/09/2002 22:48

I was obviously typing this as Justiner was doing her post, I'm glad we don't have a proper troll lurking.

anais · 16/09/2002 23:04

Hmm, thats my cover blown

So how DID you know it was me Scummy???

jodee · 16/09/2002 23:10

PamT, I know the board you mean. Put me right off that particular forum, especially as the content of the original posting was so downright explicit, then it seemed to get very nasty all round and I was glad not to be involved.

All in all, Mumsnet is friendly and supportive 99.9% of the time I think.

Scuba · 16/09/2002 23:29

I have to admit I use another name but I haven't tried to hide it - one of my postings made it obvious that I was responding to something said under another name. This was because when I originally logged on from a different site I couldn't get it to accept my orginal nickname so I used another. I haven't been on line for quite a long time because things haven't been going well for me generally. I seldom get involved in heated debates on line and I know this sounds silly but I've sometimes felt a bit out of it when I've tried to participate in a thread (not usually an argumentative one) and felt that basically what I've said is ignored or must be so boring no one bothers to reply. May be I'm much too sensitive.

leander · 16/09/2002 23:38

What on earth is going on???

Scuba · 16/09/2002 23:42

Hi Leander - I've only just logged on and read some of this - I think during our absence some of the threads have turned a bit heated with people saying things they or others regret

Tortington · 17/09/2002 00:33

think its really really sad that comments are being takent he way that they are. we are inviting censorship at this rate and its just silly.
personnally i only come on here for interesting and stimulating conversation, this often involves for me what i term as " debates" on certain subjects, it makes me so happy when someone matches me in a debate, its very rare i get such mental stimulation, and the wealth of knowledge that appears in these debates is to me astounding. i love for people to prove me wrong or to make me think a little about a subject i have long taken for granted, i love it when someone posts something contriversial and it promts me to go and look it up on the internet to find out more facts. i think it is usually interesting and highly intelligent conversation we have. and yes rhuby..... i agree if this turns into a should i use disposable nappies or terry ones, or just breastfeeding enquiries ( although highly important and a great source of information for some people) i will lose the will to live, as it is i find it hard to enter the competitions to win a dolls house or anything else, i cant reccomend a buggy or a friend or whatever the other requirements are. i think its fab to see that MUMSNET is for all people with children no matter what their age, my kids are older and babies just arnt my bag, but still i find this site one of the most interesting stimulating sites i visit. keep up the debates!

SofiaAmes · 17/09/2002 07:14

I agree with custardo. A good discussion is wonderfully stimulating and after a day of work and an evening of noisy toddler and messy husband and pregnant belly, I like a good mental prod. Besides, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast, much less who I had an argument with last week/yesterday/this morning on mumsnet so I would find it difficult to hold grudges or be insulted on a long term basis. I offer a blanket forgiveness to anyone who has been rude to me and a blanket apology to anyone that I have been rude to.

Demented · 17/09/2002 08:44

I agree with Custardo as well, and I have met her in one of these debates, still have the scars to prove it!

There are subjects that are going to be controversial and if you are not ready for a debate then they are best avoided. However I posted something on the Gin A Ford thread yesterday and in case anyone takes offence it is meant as a joke. I did read the weaning article and decided to keep quiet but then couldn't resist a wee joke!

I hope things get back to normal soon!

bells2 · 17/09/2002 08:46

It seems that ?Madonna? has made people feel very uneasy and I can understand why. The success of the site depends on an element of trust and it more than a little unsettling to think that someone would change their name in order to deliberately provoke trouble, upset or even just controversy. I also personally think it was beyond the pale for her to suggest she was Aloha. Many members have opened their hearts and revealed things that some of their close friends probably don?t even know. And as for people like Marina, Bobbins, Dixie, Viv and so on, I would hope that the support they have received here has made a difference however small to getting through such difficult times.

I can well understand why someone would hold back from seeking help or encouragement if they think other posters out there will potentially humiliate or embarrass them. The community aspect of Mumsnet is obviously vital. I agree that there is nothing wrong with a strong debate but changing your name suggests that you?re not willing to express your views in your normal name so perhaps it might be more advisable to tone down the way those views are presented to avoid causing hurt or offence.

Anyway, I really hope ks comes back.

nics1stbaby · 17/09/2002 09:14

I have to admit I was scared whitless of coming back on this site after infuriating what seemed like most of you at the time! I have since tentatively come back after a little break as I couldn't believe how much it got to me

I have since adopted a more laid back approach I have accepted that some people may come across a lot harsher as they don't know me. I guess I didn't expect (or need) the fury! I see now that sometimes some debates, or things people say can be misunderstood.

I think a lot more and are needed!!! Not to mention x

Rhubarb · 17/09/2002 14:49

I think it's appauling that we have now lost three members, ks, ionesmum and aloha because someone decided to play silly buggers for a while - shame on you I too think it was all a storm in a teacup but I can see why others are fed up of the bickering and insults that are being thrown about and leaving the site. I think as a nice gesture we should contact the team at Mumsnet and ask them to pass on messages to the three who have left with full and unreserved apologies, whether we feel we did anything or not, and ask them to reconsider.

I really hope we can get back to being normal now and have nice debates with lots of as nics1stbaby said!

Demented · 17/09/2002 15:13

Has ionesmum gone? What happened there?

I wish everyone would just come back and the troublemakers just go. I have found ionesmum's postings always to be sensitive and caring, please come back!

Tissy · 17/09/2002 15:43

Well, I've been away for a few days, and have come back to see that I've missed all the action! Typical People always organise their parties for the one day they know I'll be busy, as well. Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they aren't out to get you...

Jaybee · 17/09/2002 16:10

Come on people what is the problem - can no-one take a bit of a wind-up. I am sure there are people in this world who get pleasure out of winding people up and these people are bound to creep into message boards - surely we are not going to let them get to us are we?
It seems that some people rely heavily on Mumsnet (especially emotionally) and maybe that is not always a good thing.
Anyone can type anything on these message boards - come up with complete lies and live in a pretend world - I have tended to keep out of argumentative threads but, I have to admit, there are some comments that have been posted that I can see are 'a light blue touch paper and stand back' comment - as they are bound to get loads of responses back immediately and, I hate to say it, but this reaction can be funny (if you are watching from the outside) - let's lighten up peeps!!!

sister · 17/09/2002 17:43

here, here Jaybee!

Tinker · 17/09/2002 19:14

agree with custardo as well. But then she is one of the scariest posters on here so I would really!

bayleaf · 17/09/2002 19:40

Am I missing something - does anyone actually know the specific reason why ks and ionesmum have gone? In fact I was also not aware that ionesmum HAD gone. Yes I agree that it would be nice if things could be sorted out - for my part I did say quite forcefully that I thought people (including ks) were being unfair to Jamesk - but only because there seemed to be a whole string of people giving him abuse - he WAS in the wrong and deserved to be told it - I just felt we'd gone a bit overboard.
If my comments upset the people who were cross with him then I am VERY VERY sorry!

anais · 17/09/2002 20:45

Also agree with Custardo, but still want to know how ScummyMummy figure me out...

anais · 17/09/2002 20:46

Ooooh, and can I just add...

WideWebWitch · 17/09/2002 20:50

I do understand why people left. I think maybe it depended on how you viewed what was going on here: storm in a teacup or loads of nastiness and unnecessary/childish subterfuge. I wasn't sure what I thought. Madonna made me laugh to start with and then I got pissed off with her pretending to be aloha and making smart arse remarks so I stayed away yesterday. But what the hell, I like it here and I'll be damned if I'll be put off by some two bit troll or name changing coward. I'm very very sorry that ks has gone though, I really liked her here and when I met her, briefly, in person (and yes, Madonna, I do think it was her). So I do hope it gets back to normal here soon. Whatever normal is.

madonna2 · 17/09/2002 21:25

Sorry Justine, Carrie, Rachel. I had only meant Madonna to be a one day wonder (if that?s the right expression). But I promise after this post any madonna won?t be me. The madonna2 is for technical reasons - and I'm not going to explain that to anyone else, tech should understand.

Let me clear something up. I said ?yes? when asked if I was aloha but I also said I was Gina Ford, a clergy wife and that I?d be claiming to have two children but would be lying. No-one actually believed I was Gina Ford so why take the comment about aloha seriously? I?d have said I was the tooth fairy and Father Christmas if anyone had asked. I hadn?t expected to be mistaken for aloha, it was a spur of the moment reply, I did expect aloha to disclaim it and only posted again the next day to make it clear.

?Madonna? was meant to make a serious point about being unable to trust everything you read on the internet. People can pretend to be anyone they want. Even if mumsnet tightens up on name changing I can think of ways to get round it and I?m not a computer wizard. Its very difficult to bar trolls without barring new people. I?m sorry if people are upset by that but its the way the internet operates. The vast majority of the posts on mumsnet are genuine but you can?t rely on it.

Although I?d said I was going to be a troll I didn't generally make the sort of remarks that have been floating around recently. Comments on mumsnet have included ?bog off, cheeky bastard, crp, or cp , I know this post will offend some people but they are my true and honest views, why do you always have to be so b*y offensive, evil babysitting witch (although that was about Gina Ford)". I?ve apologised for one comment. I learnt from being Madonna how easy it is when you are being egged on to get carried away and say more than you meant. Still as a troll I thought I was pretty tame.

And now both of me are going to have a rest.

Demented · 17/09/2002 21:51

Madonna/Madonna2, I just hope you are happy with yourself. I don't think we needed a lesson in trusting/not trusting people on the internet. I really feel for the members who have decided to leave over this, particularly Ionesmum who as far as I could see genuinely used this site for advice and support in caring for her daughter, certainly I do not recall her ever making nasty comments or getting involved in controversial debates! I feel really quite sad about it as I know how much of a lifeline Mumsnet can be for me some days.

As for the others who have left, I am very sorry to see them go as well, their posts do not stick out in my mind as strongly as Ionesmum's posts did but they will be missed.