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Original poster

Probably Make Me Unpopular but......

170 replies

mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 11:39

Has anyone else not enjoyed a MN meetup? I went to one a while ago - no names or places mentioned - and apart from two lovely ladies who I only got talking to at the end, Ifound everyone very unfriendly and cliquey. Everyone knew each other already and sat in their little groups ignoring everyone else. Another lady like me was sat on her own the whole time too and funny enough has not been back on here since.
It broke my heart that DD seemed to suffer too as some of the adults were playing a game of rounders and ignored her too in favour of the kids they had met before.

Don't get me wrong - I have seen some fantastic, hertwarming posts on here numerous times, and I will continue to post, but I for one will not be going to another. It was worse than NCT!

Does everyone hate me now?

PS, and no I am not a troll. Just want to hear if it is just me

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/10/2004 15:39

I avoided m&t at all costs with mine, never made any friends there and never got chatted to. School playgrounds I have never been involved in chit chat. I only talk to one mum when I go and she is not always there, usually I create a huge exclusion zone around me. Mn meet ups, I have met a few, but never more than a handful of netters at any one time, I get too stressed about big groups. On here I talk to anyone who will talk to me. I don't post on certain threads though, because I don't have anything to say, or no experience int hat subject.

SoupDragon · 12/10/2004 15:45

Only skimmed this so this may have already been covered but, mumtochloe, you said "Another lady like me was sat on her own the whole time too" Why didn't you go and chat to her then? Or why did she not go and chat to someone?

I'm painfully shy and have literally had to force myself to chat to the other mums in the school playground for example. I know how difficult it can be.

Original poster
mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 15:56

Hi Soup Dragon

Good point! Had a brief conversation with her but her DS needed a lot of attention and DD was having an active day too. She left early so was probably feeling the same as me. Another problem may have been that everyone was older than me - I am 23 and they were all mid to late thirties. Maybe this had something to do with it - who knows.

I am happy being anonymous on here now and still think its a brill site for support etc, just not for meet ups

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/10/2004 15:58

oldies are human too.

I have the same split attention at the toddler group I help at. I have to make coffees, do craft with the children and stop DS2 from running riot. And somehow summon up the courage to talk to new comers - or old comers for that matter. I probably come across as being cliquey with my co-organiser.

SoupDragon · 12/10/2004 16:01

FWIW, the first meetup I went to, I didn't introduce myself to the people there at all and simply pretended I was there for another reason (which I was as it happens, it was a regular haunt). Beat that!

codswallop · 12/10/2004 16:07

I know a LOT of mnners will be gratified to knowthat he cod too has left a kids thing in tears a no one spoke to her.

TBh I was bit frag anyway as I had only just moved here so yes even the most rumbustious of us have wobbly moments but you do just need to get on wiht it becasuse if you dont no one else will

Original poster
mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 16:32

That sounded awful didn't it! I didn't mean being older was a problem for me - a lot of my friends are older than me - but maybe it was in their eyes. Just trying to justify it really - trying to convince myself that it wasn't because I smell or something lol

OP posts:
JuniperDewdrop · 12/10/2004 16:39

MTC. Of course you didn't ikwym and I'm 36. I have mates in RL of all ages from their 20s up...some in their 50s.

JuniperDewdrop · 12/10/2004 16:40

At least you have mates in RL though MTC. It must be hard for those who are too shy to mix

Tinker · 12/10/2004 20:15

enid - my dad used to say exactly the same thing about shyness

I agree very much with TC's post. I think I'm a pretty shy person but as I've got older (and having a job that forces me to have to talk to people) I've realised you've just got to get on with it if you want to meet people.

Jimjams · 12/10/2004 20:35

I've never been to a meetup although I've met a mumsnetter in my house (it was fun) and have built relationships (oo err) online and on the phone with others. (That's what comes of living in Devon - meetup anyone???). Was quite tempted to go to the summer party- but there's no way it would have worked with ds1- I would have been too stressed and sweaty and unable to talk to anyone so I didn't go.

RE school playgrounds. I am very much the odd mum out - don't know anyone really as ds1 was part time all through reception so I was dropping him off and picking him up at different times, and he's never done a class assembly. Because of this I do force myself to go to things like the heads coffee morning, and PTA meetings- small group stuff where I may get to chat to a few people. Gradually I'm meeting more people. Rather embarassingly every child in the school knows ds1 (they've all just done circle time on him so if they didn't know him before they do now) and so we're always tripping over older children + parents coming up to say hello to him as we leave the school. I end up grinning inananely- but people are friendly!

Number 3 is about to be born- need some more baby friends so will be forcing my way to the NCT. It mught be hideous but hopefully I'll get a cup of tea and out of the house even if I end up sitting on my lonesome!

lou33 · 12/10/2004 20:37

I was in Bideford the other week Jimjams, is that close to you?

Jimjams · 12/10/2004 20:40

Not very close Lou- couple of hours? maybe a bit less

CarrieG · 12/10/2004 20:40

Well, I'm new here & I'm up for braving a meet-up...if you're all a bunch of raving weirdoes I can always go & hide in the toilet!

Seriously, I actually met dh thro' an online forum (a certain dodgy 80s rock band who've since reformed. Dh & I kept running into each other on their site's messageboard, & then at gigs, & then people started saying we made a lovely couple, so I thought I'd better pull him...) & these days there's quite a gang of us who initially knew each other from the website who congregate in the pub before gigs. Apparently we've been known to come across as clique-y or intimidating (big gang of drunk people dressed in black, sort of thing) & that despite the fact that most of us would be horrified if someone got that impression of us...it's actually more that we don't see each other between tours &, er, some of us are shy of the newbies!

I just think it's something all concerned need to be aware of when you have a meet-up of online people some of whom already know each other in RL - the existing 'clique' almost certainly aren't being deliberately unfriendly.

Hulababy · 12/10/2004 20:58

I think this may always be a problem wherever you meet new people, who may already know each other - not just on Mn but anywhere. I have been to a M&T group a couple of times where I felt incredibly left out as everyone else knew each other. I also go to a library thing with DD sometimes - again same problem. But then I am naturally a bit shy and find going up to people to talk to them difficult. So maybe my fault too.

Have to say that I have been to a few MN meets now - most have similar gorup, but there are always new people. If tere a lot of people it is hard to speak to everyone for any length of time, and many people do naturally gravitate to people they already know. I do alwasy try my hardest to say hi and chat a little to new comers - but I also find that quite difficult at times (being a bit shy myself). Gpoing to a bigger meet in December with plenty of people I haven't met and many I have too. I'll ffeel nervous beforehand meeting new people but I am sure after a few minutes I'll push myself to go and say hi - and hopefully form new friendships.

MTC - why not try again, and see how you go? The second time everyone won't be so new to you.

yingers74 · 12/10/2004 21:45

OK, Let's all agree to be nicer to new comers and each other when we go to any playsessions, groups, classes and MN gatherings.

CarrieG - you are the third person I know who has met their hubbies online. The internet really is the new bar!

SueW · 12/10/2004 22:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

tigermoth · 13/10/2004 07:58

marina, I remember sitting with you before everyone else arrived. I had no idea you were under so the influence, you dark horse you!

dejags - really sad to hear your story.

At every meetup I have been to, I have tried to talk to everyone, new and old, if only to say hello. I do this very deliberately as I am nosey and I want to get my money's worth! But sometimes restaurant seating arrangements don't allow this.

At Corams Fields I kept looking at all the parents in the park and wondering who were mumsnetters and who were not. A couple of times I smiled in the direction of strangers, only to realise they were nothing to do with our group. I had to keep going back into the hall to find out who was one of us, but I still missed saying hello to a couple of people, damn!

Thomcat · 13/10/2004 13:25

Mumtochloe - I'd feel angry and protective if I felt my DD was being left out but can't imagine a situation where anyone would be nasty enough to do that interntionally. however if i thought she was being left out a bit I'd probaly go over and say to her 'do you want to join in babes' and if she did I'd say'Lottie would like a turn if that's ok' all said with a smile. Basically I'd do my best to integrate myself, and her, IF i thought they were worth it.

Sometimes it's just not going to work, and so you move on. meeting a group of women you've never met before, but that have met each other a few times is never going to be hugely easy, esp if you're a bit shy. As Coddy said though sometimes the toughest of us feel vulnerable and a bit insecure, that's just life. If I were you and you want to neet other mums start your own meetup with a samll group of local mums, maybe just 3 or 4 of ou. Fact is though just cos you all have young kids and use mumsnet you might not have much to say to each other face to face in RL.

Mummytosteven you said "but Thomcat - why shouldn't MNetters be "better" than the real world in terms of efforts to welcome newcomers?"
Maybe I'm being dim here but I don't get it. Why would a mum who uses Mumsnet be any better than any other mum out there in the RW? Women meeting up for a coffee with other women in a group are exactly that - women meeting women for coffee!
I'd imagine it would be much the same at one of those NCT groups.

tiptop · 13/10/2004 13:39

Thomcat - I'm almost afraid to post incase I don't word this well and get quoted etc, but I believe Mumsnet to be a supportive site and I think most MNers are very nice people. I don't think it's nice (generally, rather than referring to the meet-up spoken of) to ignore someone who is clearly feeling left out. I think I've heard it referred to as "emotional intelligence". It's thinking of how someone else might feel and being willing to be welcoming or whatever. I'm sorry if I haven't explained this well. I've tried my best, anyway!

prufrock · 13/10/2004 13:45

mumtochloe, I really don't mean this horribly, but I don't understand why you, or anybody, would want to go to a Mumsnet meet-up if you didn't already "know" the people from Mumsnet. Maybe it's just because I'm not that self-confident in RL, but I would never dream of going to meet a group of complete strangers. (I am v. lucky to have an old work colleague living near me with kids the same age so we have been braving all the local groups together).

When I have been to meet-ups, I have made sure there is at least one other person going with whom I have an online rapport, and I tend to "research" a few other people - so I know at least whether they have babies or older kids, or work at or outside the home, or whether we have some common interest, then I know that I always have a conversation opener. I don't expect to get on with people just because we are all mothers (or going to be, or trying to be).

Having said that I think it is very sad that you felt that way, and I'm sure the people at your meet-up would never have intended to leave you out. Do try it again, but with people near you who you already "know"

And Tigermoth - I SO know what you mean about restaurant seating - isn't it terrible when you get stuck opposite somebody boring and have to talk to tehm all night

MummyToSteven · 13/10/2004 13:48

prufrock - sometimes the local mnetters don't post that much - my local mnetters post mainly on the Liverpool meet-up threads, for example, or their pg/birth board. So I have met various mumsnetters who I didn't really know but all very lovely and friendly, fortunately

Dingle · 13/10/2004 14:01

I can understand a lot of the issues going on here. I consider myself to be shy, lack confidence and have very little self esteem. I manage OK in smaller groups and when talking some people seem surprised that I consider myself this way.(I obviously put on a brave front!) In larger groups I can imagine I would just blend in to the background and not say boo to a goose!
That is the difference in RL and MN. You don't need to have to same confidence to type in comments as you do to sum up the courage in a room full of people-strangers or not.
Personally I would hate the feeling that my children (especially dd-being paranoid here too!)were being left out and I think I would have had to try to deal with it for their sake, and get involved with the other children even if I didn't have the confidence to talk to the adults!
Giving all my secrets away now- I probably mix better with anyone under the age of 5 anyway.

tigermoth · 13/10/2004 14:11

prufrock - yes, it is such a problem

Thomcat · 13/10/2004 15:08

TipTop - Don't think your post could be taken in a bad way at all tiptop, I don't think anyone on here is being angry with anyone else, i think this is a all a calm reasonable conversation going on in hre, if it wasn't I wouldn't be here!.
Anyway, yes Mumsnet is a wonderful site and full of wonderful women, but so is the RW so that's kind of what I meant about why would a mumsnet meetup with a load of women you've never really 'met' before be so different to say an NCT meeting. Anyway it's not a point that I feel strong enough to quibble over or anything (not saying that's what you were doing for a minute, I jusyt mean we don't have to keep trying to explain what we mean to each other!)
I wasn't at MumtoChloe's meetup and am not discussing any particular meetup. As mums on here are all so lovey then surely no-one would intentionally ignore anyone else. Of course it's not nice to intentionally ignore anyone, i couldn't agree with you more, I wasn't aware that anyone had been intentionally ignored.