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Original poster

Probably Make Me Unpopular but......

170 replies

mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 11:39

Has anyone else not enjoyed a MN meetup? I went to one a while ago - no names or places mentioned - and apart from two lovely ladies who I only got talking to at the end, Ifound everyone very unfriendly and cliquey. Everyone knew each other already and sat in their little groups ignoring everyone else. Another lady like me was sat on her own the whole time too and funny enough has not been back on here since.
It broke my heart that DD seemed to suffer too as some of the adults were playing a game of rounders and ignored her too in favour of the kids they had met before.

Don't get me wrong - I have seen some fantastic, hertwarming posts on here numerous times, and I will continue to post, but I for one will not be going to another. It was worse than NCT!

Does everyone hate me now?

PS, and no I am not a troll. Just want to hear if it is just me

OP posts:
MrsDoolittle · 12/10/2004 13:15

Oh no - now you have to start a 'thread killers' thread!!

Original poster
mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 13:16

Hello Everyone

Thank you so much for all your kind responses. I still don't think I will be going to a meet up again but its great to receive some feedback so what could have / did go wrong.

Interestingly enough one of the posters on here does go to the meetups that I tried to join but she was not there on this day. One of the lovely ladies I did talk to said it was a shame she wasn't there as she would have got everyone chatting together.

Acer - hope you do feel welcome from now on - the site itself is great and I am still here after my experience

Yours Intruegingly (Spelling doh!)

xxxx

OP posts:
SueW · 12/10/2004 13:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

anorak · 12/10/2004 13:37

I sat next to sis at dinner on one of our meet-ups and she is lovely and put up with my drunken ravings very politely indeed.

Batters · 12/10/2004 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

binkie · 12/10/2004 13:40

(in danger of being exactly cliquey but ...)

sis, I don't think you're unapproachable in the slightest, and your son is a sweetie.

enid · 12/10/2004 13:44

I went to one of the very first at Victoria Park in Bath organised by Star - remember her??? She was lovely. I met Bron, Sobernow and Batey - all really really nice, we sat and had a picnic and chattered away. I didn't even think to be nervous although my dh (dp then!) was worried on my behalf!

Thomcat · 12/10/2004 13:54

All I'm going to say is that if you don't want to be ignored, don't ignore other people, and that isn't to you mumtochloe, it's just a generalisation.

This is how I see the whole clique thing, and doesn't refer to any specific meet-up:
If people are chatting away in a group of people they already know that is what happens out there in the big wide world, people naturally strike up a conversation with someone they have met before.
In general people shouldn't expect things to drop in their lap. If you want to chat to someone get up, go over and chat to them, why wait for them to come to you and then feel feel all left out? Wh
y is it anyone elses pronlem if you didn't make an effort, why does it have to be a clique, that word is used to easily sometimes (and this is general let me remind you again).

I'd never interntionally ignore anyone but I bet I've done it loads, just becasue if I'm out chatting having fun I don't think to be looking over my shoulder every 2 minutes making sure everyone in the room is happily in a full on chat and having a top laugh!!!!!!!!! Sorry. If you're on your own join in say 'what are you chatting about' and they'll include you.

Sometimes I don't have anything to say to people I meet and don't want to make the effort, fact of life, sometimes I meet a group of women who know each other better then they know me and I'd like to join in with them. Sometimes that'll be easier to do than other times. I don't think it's a personal thing and is certainly not a mumsnet thing, it's just life.

SueW · 12/10/2004 14:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

serenequeen · 12/10/2004 14:10

couldn't have put it better myself, tc.

MummyToSteven · 12/10/2004 14:13

but Thomcat - why shouldn't MNetters be "better" than the real world in terms of efforts to welcome newcomers? if you feel depressed/are shy/suffer from social anxiety (and I think a significant minority of MNetters would fall into these categories) you can find it hard to be proactive/assert yourself, and can take things very personally. what may feel straightforward to one person can feel like climbing mount everest to another.

dejags · 12/10/2004 14:15

I never thought that the people at the meetup I went to were being cliquey and nor do I worry about the virtual MN community being cliquey. It is entirely natural that people stick to those whom they know and I have no problem with that.

I am just too shy to enjoy this sort of thing. My reason for posting was just to agree with MTC that this sort of meetup can be very intimidating.

It would be lovely to be as confident as a lot of you sound but we are not all like that - this is the beauty of the "faceless" forums, far less confidence is required to interact. It's pretty easy to say that feeling lonely and left out in these situations is our own fault but we have to accept that we are all different - to those of you who are naturally confident in these situations it would be difficult to imagine that making the effort is difficult.

I won't be going to another meetup or meeting with MNers face to face but that is my choice and doesn't mean I am angry or bitter . I love MN and have had loads of invaluable advice and support when I have needed it most - that's more than enough for me.

enid · 12/10/2004 14:17

but then meetups get infected with the mumsnet pc vibe!!! agree with thomcat, sorry but you have to make the effort, we all get shy sometimes but best to just stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you and get in there!

If I ever tried to be shy, my mum used to say 'oh for goodness sake, noone is thinking about you and what you look like, they are all caught up in their own world' - and I think thats true - just go over and say hello!

MummyToSteven · 12/10/2004 14:19

ah but enid - not everyone had mum's with such sensible social advice as that. now if everyone did there might be less of a shyness problem with people!

enid · 12/10/2004 14:20

ah my mad old mum came up with the goods sometimes

yingers74 · 12/10/2004 14:22

mumtochloe - am sorry to hear about your experience. I have not been to a large MN meet up so cannot comment on this. All large gatherings are difficult esp when you have the added pressure of trying to help your kids meet other children. All i can say is don't give up, I went to dozens of playgroups/classes and at times I thought I would be better off sitting at home and like you I have seen others come and then never return. It does get better.

And I certainly don't hate you.

sis · 12/10/2004 14:22

I would be appalled if I had been to a meet-up and found that my child was not included in a game - surely, the main draw of meet-ups with children is that it is a social thing for the children too. I don't include situations where a child (like mine!) chooses not to join in but am referring to when others decide not to include them. I can cope with being ignored or what I perceive to be delibrately ignored but if I felt that my son was being ignored by other mumsnetters, I would be very upset.

Thank you Anorak and Binkie - you are both very kind!

iota · 12/10/2004 14:35

I have to say that I don't have the slightest inclination to go to a meet-up - I'm not shy and and I don't mean it in a horrible way, but there's so many diverse people on here that I would hate to be in a situation where I was forced to be with people I didn't like or didn't get on with.

Not my idea of fun

Anyone agree or am I alone?

Caligula · 12/10/2004 14:41

Iota I agree. It could also spoil an online relationship

JuniperDewdrop · 12/10/2004 14:45

no you're not alone iota. I have enough time keeping up with RL mates tbh. I was tempted in the beginning and would've loved to have been able to go to the summer party but don't think I'll ever make it to one. I have met up with an internet mate once and we're now good mates. she's an Mner too but that's because I told her how good it was and she's joined since.

Original poster
mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 14:48

I agree with you to a certain extent Thomcat but these people were talking about other people they knew constantly - how could I join in with a conversation like that?

I don't expect people to babysit me or anything, but how would you feel if your DD was also left out and her little face showed confusion as to why she was being ignored when she so obviously wanted to play too?

I also meet people that I don't click with but on the other hand if went to a meetup and someone was on their own with no hope of joining in the conversation, I would be a bit more welcoming and would at least make the effort. It is so hard to fling yourself at a big group of people who so obviously have no intention of being welcoming. The fact of the matter is I didn't stand a chance as I didn't already know everyone.

I know you were not directing this at me personally Thomcat, and I am glad you have been honest, but I was most hurt at my DD being ignored to be honest. At least I understood - she didn't

OP posts:
iota · 12/10/2004 14:55

oh well that's 3 of us then - safety in numbers

CHRIZ · 12/10/2004 15:02

hi jampot

I emjoyed the last 2 meets with you ,was great to see someone closer to home and friendly ,was good as it was without the kids

biketastic · 12/10/2004 15:26

i know how you feel, mtc. I often feel this at my playroup that I have been going to for a good while now. The last couple of weeks I have had a lovely chat with another of the mothers, and have really enjoyed it. It is like dating really! So many confusions and mixed messages. I just plonked myself in fromt of the woman this week and we had a really nice chat. Overhearing other people's chats about older siblings and schools I did realise the others all have older children, and I only have a one year old, so obviously if talking abuut kids I was not quite in the same place.
Anywa, I went to a london meet-up and had a good time.
I did feel a bit on the edge, but met sis, which was nice , binkie did a great job of being welcoming. I actually met somebody that i had met before pre kids - just briefly in the flat of a mutual friend!
All in all once I had got chatting to a few people it was enjoyable. We arrived a bit late and felt a little bit like wallflowers at first.
However, there is also a christmas party, and I am looking forward to that. Now I know some of the people I met, I have seen them around on the board and they all seem like really nice people, so i will know everyone a little bit more next time.
I think we all feel shy, it is hard to feel there's a whole thing going on and you are not part of it. I am sorry poeple were so rude, but I don't think it is an mn thing, just a rl thing.

Marina · 12/10/2004 15:34

iota, I have made some smashing RL friends from Mumsnet on the back of chatting online then meeting up later, but I can also completely understand your stance on this.
I organised the meet-up very specifically because a house move had left me minus ANY good friends locally, so I had a real incentive to meet in RL. One of the beauties of this site is that it meets such different friendship needs!
(Yes SueW and Batters, I had had two large glasses of wine on my own before anyone else turned up. I was BRICKING IT).