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Original poster

Probably Make Me Unpopular but......

170 replies

mumtochloe · 12/10/2004 11:39

Has anyone else not enjoyed a MN meetup? I went to one a while ago - no names or places mentioned - and apart from two lovely ladies who I only got talking to at the end, Ifound everyone very unfriendly and cliquey. Everyone knew each other already and sat in their little groups ignoring everyone else. Another lady like me was sat on her own the whole time too and funny enough has not been back on here since.
It broke my heart that DD seemed to suffer too as some of the adults were playing a game of rounders and ignored her too in favour of the kids they had met before.

Don't get me wrong - I have seen some fantastic, hertwarming posts on here numerous times, and I will continue to post, but I for one will not be going to another. It was worse than NCT!

Does everyone hate me now?

PS, and no I am not a troll. Just want to hear if it is just me

OP posts:
Issymum · 12/10/2004 12:21

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acer · 12/10/2004 12:21

Is he really?!

jampot · 12/10/2004 12:23

Isseymum - you need to add that here

Issymum · 12/10/2004 12:25

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Skate · 12/10/2004 12:25

I think it's downright bloody rude to ignore a newcomer - everyone's a newcomer at some point so should know how hard it is to go along in the first place and how that new person is feeling.

I've not been to a MN meet up but, like others have said, I've found it like that at my son's nursery where we all gathered to pick up the kids but everyone knew each other and ignored me (and a few others, so we got together ).

My son goes to swimming lessons - there are only 4-5 in the group and 3 of them are close friends (incl my son). Me and the two mothers I'm close to always go for coffee and chat while they are in the lesson, but no way do we ignore the other Mum's that don't know each other. I COULD NOT let them sit alone in the bar while we all chat away. I just couldn't do it. We always ask them to join us and include them fully in the conversation. Isn't that what nice, polite people do??

Sorry mumtochloe that you didn't enjoy it - I'd have spoken to you!!

stickynote · 12/10/2004 12:25

Issymum that's a great story - not just us plebs then.

carla · 12/10/2004 12:26

What's all this about hairy upper lips? Gawd, I can't keep up with this .....

Skate · 12/10/2004 12:27

Who said Gary Rhodes was gay??

NomDePlume · 12/10/2004 12:29

I've been to one MN meet-up. I found it be quite a friendly affair, obviously there were mums who go to every meet up and so know each other better. I did feel a little 'out of place', I will admit, but I think it's more down to my inferiority complex than anything else. I did soften the blow, so to speak, by cheating and going to the meet-up with another MN'er who I already knew quite well.

I suppose it's like any other area of life, you meet people in life who you have nothing in common with really, who you don't dislike, but who you feel very little 'connection' with.

carla · 12/10/2004 12:29

So Gary Rhodes has a hairy upper lip????

spots · 12/10/2004 12:33

I do think this sort of experience is really unfortunate, mumtochloe, and dejags, I felt for you reading that. But it's so normal and common that I almost feel it doesn't deserve to be dignified with the term 'cliqueyness'. There's something very powerful about communicating online, with the anonymity factor and all the little clues you get about other people's lives. It's inevitable that on a meetup there will be a degree of excitement about 'unwrapping the parcel'. People who have chatted online will be seeing each others' faces perhaps for the first time. It's not desirable, but not surprising either, that less known people get left out a bit. As happens in so many social situations! Unfortunately the same excitement might also be felt by the very people who end up feeling like they're sitting on the sidelines. It's potentially a very loaded situation.

People are by nature inclined to stick mainly to social groups they already have some common ground with. On the whole it's not malice, it's the same sort of shyness that makes a new person feel awkward. Unless you're unlucky enought to hit a group which feels protective about its group identity, which is real cliqueyness, and is an accusation bandied around rather freely at the moment.

I am terrible for only hanging around in the May babies group, and lurking awkwardly elsewhere. This is the online equivalent of really normal social cowardice... only solution is to jump in and get talking. Oomph!

jampot · 12/10/2004 12:34

issymum - ah I see - sorry for interfering

dawnie1 · 12/10/2004 12:35

Hallo everybody - I joined mumsnet a few days ago so am going to my first meet up on 18th October and am a little nervous. I think when you go to new things like this you have to try and persevere with it (unless it really awful). Years ago when I split up with an ex I found myself with far too much time and far too little to do so I MADE myself join an amateur dramatic society - I was terrified, they were very cliquey initially but I put on my brave face and decided to give it a month. They turned out to be fantastic and some are still among my close friends some 10 years later.
I'm hoping this will be similar

clary · 12/10/2004 12:36

mumtochloe i have seen posts about the cliquiness thing before, but not one like this about a meetup specifically, so i think it's an interesting and valid post.

Sorry that you felt left out. Have only met one other Mnetter which was obviously fine (! of course we didn't ignore each other!). Was going to go to a bigger meet-up but had to back out at the last mo.

I suppose the thing is that a lot of people have been posting for a while, have met other MNers and got quite friendly. That's great of course, and I for one enjoy reading those threads.

There are a couple of Mners I know in RL but hope I am reaonably impartial, hard not to slip in the odd in-joke tho.

At a meet-up, esp one you preseumbaly said you were going to, it's a shame more effort was not made. Don't be put off. If you are in the East Mids (where I am) then maybe we'll brave a MN meet-up togerther?

Issymum · 12/10/2004 12:39

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MrsDoolittle · 12/10/2004 12:46

Ooops sorry everyone! Issymum did not say that Gary Rhodes was gay - I thought she did. I was skim reading her post. Stupidly, reading guy and Gary in quick succession I understood Gary Rhodes was gay. Doh!

Sorry Gary!!!

MrsDoolittle · 12/10/2004 12:47

And Issymum - I ahev read your posts before. I think you are very eloquent. It's just me being thick!

Skate · 12/10/2004 12:48

LOL MrsDoolittle!!!

JuniperDewdrop · 12/10/2004 12:52

phew!!! so i can carry on fantasising about GR

binkie · 12/10/2004 12:53

Also agree this is valid. Feeling left out in person is quite different from appearing to be talked over in a virtual bar (which - the latter - I agree with others is no big deal).

Very sorry to hear MTC (and others') experiences. I sort of organised the one Welshmum mentions, and am worried in case that was MTC's - I think there was a child called Chloe, but there weren't any rounders I can remember ... eek. But do remember making a big effort to say hello & be friendly to the 6 or 7 people I didn't recognise, which took up quite a lot of the meetup time & of course meant had to keep moving on. (Don't mean to make it sound like a duty, though, it was fun!)

It was quite an unstructured kind of meetup, that one, deliberately at the time. But in retrospect I think something like IlanaK's Christmas party, where there'll be lots of activities to join in with, is really the better way to do it - takes away that awful initial sense of Feeling Spare - which happens to us all. So, MTC, if you can bear to try again, think of that?

unicorn · 12/10/2004 12:54

mrs doolittle talk about chinese whispers MN style!!!!

MrsDoolittle · 12/10/2004 12:57

Well exactly Juniperdewdrop! I was thinking 'darn it! ' myself!!

Dh thinks I am one of Harry Enfields Old Ladies
"Oooh Young man...."

welshmum · 12/10/2004 13:01

And you organised it very well too Binkie - and were very welcoming to me which I appreciated. I don't remember any rounders either so I don't think it can be MTC's ordeal.
I think MN meetups must be difficult for all but the most highly confident first timers, I felt like I'd really done something daring by going but I'm sure it'll just get easier and easier.
Thanks for organising - see you in December.

sis · 12/10/2004 13:03

Mumtochloe and dejags I'm really sorry about your meet-up experiences. I have been to a few meet-ups and have enjoyed them although didn't feel fully integrated at some of them - but, to be honest, I think I am a bit too shy at meet-ups. I hope you will try another meet-up and find them to be more positive experiences. I haveto say that I am so nervous at some meet ups that I probably forget to smile and look approachable yet I would love it if people came up and spoke to me.

Binkie, I felt a bit lost at the summer party because my son was determined not to join in and so he and I spent a fair bit of the time together but you were lovely and our failureto mix more was down to us and not at all down to others!

sis · 12/10/2004 13:14

Oh! I've killed the thread! I didn't think I was that unapproachable!