my marriage plans are upsetting everyone it seems...

[Enid]

I'm having a crap evening. My parents came down to visit yesterday and I asked them if they could give me some money towards a wedding for dp and I (they are paying for my sisters wedding in June). They agreed but very reluctantly even though I said I wouldn't want as much as my sister is getting and it wouldn't be for a while, trying to take the burden off. So anyway, they agreed, which was kind, but not a word of happiness or congratulation. Then my sister rang tonight, very peeved that I was thinking of getting married too and worried that it would be before hers etc etc. Then dp told me that he didn't realise that I was so serious about getting married (err.. despite being together for 8 years, having one daughter and one on the way, and me saying repeatedly 'I really want to get married' for the last few months)and that he was feeling pressured and stressed about it.

I feel like an idiot now, I thought it would be a really nice thing to do and it just seems that everyone closest to me thinks its a really stupid idea. So obviously I am feeling very sorry for myself. All I've done is try and borrow a bit of money so that marriage could become a possibility, its not like I've set a date or even thought about when or where.

Both my parents and my sister asked why I wanted to get married, I said because I'll have 2 children and I feel strongly about it now. They both (independently) said 'oh, what an old-fashioned viewpoint'. Despite the fact that my parents are married, and my sister is getting married this year and is definite that she wants to get married before she has children.

I feel as though I've spoilt something before its even started

Sobernow, it does seem as your dp is concerned about your financial position and certainly intends to stay with you forever (the will seems pretty good evidence of that!). He's just being silly about getting married. Do you think you might consider changing your name. There's a famous unmarried novelist who has done this - can't remember her name though. She has three kids and like you, wanted all the family to have the same name.

Hasn't Julie Myerson done this - don't think she's married and has three kids. Seem to recall her saying something about this once.

I hope you don't mind me being blunt here but it's late !
In our relationship it is me who does not want to get married. Baiscally at the back of my mind I fear getting shafted in the event that we might at some point divorce. In other words it is the other side of the same coin you find yourself in, Sobernow. In a strange way I actually feel we are more likely to stay together if we are NOT married, and even envy those of you who DO want to get wed.

Don't forget the pension aspect of not being married. If you're not married, you would not be entitled to any widows part of the pension and, no matter what the will says, this affects your income if you are a SAHP. This has just happened to a friend of my parents - happily "not married" for well over 30 years without anyone knowing and, despite a will leaving everything to her, there is no pension and therefore no income now the "husband" has died. The house will need to be sold or investments cashed in to provide her with a pension. No children involved here though.

Yes, it was Julie Myerson. Thanks for reminding me. Re pensions, it depends. A lot of pension schemes will allow for any named dependent, married or not. The state pension, I believe, doesn't. It is certainly worth checking your pension scheme. Inheritance tax, as I said, can also be a problem, but hopefully not for a very,very long time!