my marriage plans are upsetting everyone it seems...

[Enid]

I'm having a crap evening. My parents came down to visit yesterday and I asked them if they could give me some money towards a wedding for dp and I (they are paying for my sisters wedding in June). They agreed but very reluctantly even though I said I wouldn't want as much as my sister is getting and it wouldn't be for a while, trying to take the burden off. So anyway, they agreed, which was kind, but not a word of happiness or congratulation. Then my sister rang tonight, very peeved that I was thinking of getting married too and worried that it would be before hers etc etc. Then dp told me that he didn't realise that I was so serious about getting married (err.. despite being together for 8 years, having one daughter and one on the way, and me saying repeatedly 'I really want to get married' for the last few months)and that he was feeling pressured and stressed about it.

I feel like an idiot now, I thought it would be a really nice thing to do and it just seems that everyone closest to me thinks its a really stupid idea. So obviously I am feeling very sorry for myself. All I've done is try and borrow a bit of money so that marriage could become a possibility, its not like I've set a date or even thought about when or where.

Both my parents and my sister asked why I wanted to get married, I said because I'll have 2 children and I feel strongly about it now. They both (independently) said 'oh, what an old-fashioned viewpoint'. Despite the fact that my parents are married, and my sister is getting married this year and is definite that she wants to get married before she has children.

I feel as though I've spoilt something before its even started

Oh I forgot our speeches were from my father and dh. Very short and very emotional. dh's sisters and mother cried (note: none of my family did!!) I felt like it though. Now I've relived my wedding you can have your thread back. Yes, other people did say what they wanted beforehand (particularly my mother) but we said we'll do it our way, thanks.

Your wedding sounds lovely, CAM. And I didn't even know you could get bouquets of sugar roses!

Enid, I'm such a non expert on marriage that I didn't really know what to say to you when I first read this thread, though I do sympathise. I really hope it all works out for you and you get dp down that aisle and have a fantastic, gorgeous wedding.

Our wedding was cheap, but very cheerful. We got friends/ relatives to help with the day rather than give presents:

Vicar-friend did the service (though we did pay him, as the money goes to the church)

Rings made of silver cost £30 the pair (engagement ring silver and garnet cost £24!!)

My Mum paid for the dress (not v. expensive- made by local dressmaker), a friend embroidered a Celtic knot on the cuffs

His Mum paid for and arranged flowers

My Dad took the photos and paid for the drink

My Step-Dad sang during the signing of the Register, and my brother played the flute

My bridesmaid (one only!) wore her own dress, but I had a sash made out of the same silk as my dress, and bought her a present

My Mum made the cake, and a friend iced it

I walked to the church

We paid for the reception-sit-down meal for 40 at a local pub/restaurant

Definitely the best day of my life, and very little upset! The only difficulty was limiting numbers, but we don't have that many friends(!)and work colleagues/ more distant relatives were given a photo and a piece of cake with an explanantion that we were on a budget, so we couldn't invite more than close family/ friends. No-one grumbled.

Enid, your wedding day is YOUR day - no-one else's! It is a celebration of YOUR relationship to EACHOTHER, nothing more, nothing less!!!!

My dh and my dad made their speeches before the meal. That was my dad's idea as he knew that he wouldn't be able to eat when he was nervous and wouldn't be able to have a drink! As it was he only said a couple of sentences that went along the lines of - 'glad you could all make it and aren't they a lovely couple?'

My dad is not a public speaker and is very shy so I did not mind that he didn't say all that mushy stuff about what a lovely baby I was etc. I didn't mind as we had a nice quiet time together talking about that sort of stuff on the way to the church.

I had to help dh edit his speech as he had forgotten to mention me at all in it! But then he isn't a public speaker either!

Our best man on the other hand is one of the funniest blokes on the planet and was happy to wait to the end of the meal to get everyone laughing!

I also had a 'best woman'. She made a brilliant speech about our days at uni. Why should the guys have a laugh about past lives?? We have lived too you know!!

We did have some nightmares though - MIL threatening not to come if FIL brought his bird along and FIL saying that if his bird couldn't come he wouldn't come! We just sent them all invitations and said we would love to see them but would understand if they couldn't make it.

As it was, FIL's bird got off with my cousin (20 years her junior) which made things a little uncomfortable but...

DH and I just didn't care about all the flak as it was OUR day!!!!

ha, ha,Scummymummy!

I think I asked dh to marry me about three times, each time he said 'no', once was whilst all our friends were present. We had known each other for 2 years and been dating for a year. We were planning to move into a house together and being old-fashioned I wanted to be at least engaged, I needed some kind of commitment from him as I was giving up all I had - my own place, my ambitions to move to London, my single status. He knew how I felt but each Christmas, birthday and Valentine's day passed without a proposal and I felt a bit taken for granted. Finally, two weeks after we moved into our rented house, he asked what we were to do that day (Saturday), and I jokingly said, 'go into town to buy me a lovely engagement ring'. He said 'ok then'. And that was my proposal! We chose the ring and then went to the pub for a burger and pint to celebrate!

The wedding was very simple and cheap and it was all how we wanted it. I didn't ask my parents for money as I didn't want them to have much input into how we spent it, but dh's parents were very kind. At the end of the day you get married for your reasons, it's nothing to do with family, it's your declaration of love for your partner. So don't feel embarrassed, now you've put the idea into his head he may come round after dwelling on it for a while, they usually do. Just threaten not to sleep with him until he agrees, that works for me!

Enid - reading these posts with much interest. doh and I have just recently become engaged (on my 30th!) and it was the most romantic thing ever! We've been together 6 years and like you I thought he'd never pop the question but I waited, and waited and waited....

I waited mainly because if I was honest about our relationship, I would say yes we have a fantastic relationship, a beautiful daughter and getting married wouldn't have made it any better.

Saying that I didn't turn him down when he proposed but he did it because he felt ready and that meant a lot to me.

Wait it out Enid - if he does it because you want to it's not for the right reasons. You need to do it because you both want to.

I can't really add much Enid to these other posts, just my two penneth worth ! (Or whatever it is they say !).

RE your dp, totally agree with the posts about the speeches, he doesn't have to do one. Do it differently. In my experience, the speeches at most of the weddings i've been to have been average to poor at best. Unless you have a really good speaker with wit etc they are normally quite tedious, apart from the fact that it's all very sweet of course for them to be thanking everyone and saying how beautiful their wife is etc.

It sounds to me like your sister is jealous and doesn't want you to steal her thunder. It is quite a selfish attitude but im sure she'll get over it. As you said, just talk about her wedding etc when you see her and maybe she'll realise she's being selfish then.

I have had two wedding's now . The first was very extravagant, all fairy princess like and rather too expensive - it ended in divorce ! The second, far more intimate, just close friends and a few family, much smaller, much more memorable and of course much cheaper. Im not associating big weddings with unhappiness or the reverse, just saying i've had both now and IME I enjoyed the humble affair far more.

I must say I don't agree with your parents treating you both differently financially. That is really not a nice thing to do. But I know that saying that is not very helpful, I guess that maybe what you should do is say to them that you feel bad about asking so you'll try and manage without ? This may make them feel bad about their favouritism.

I agree with not pushing DP into it until he's ready but sometimes men do need a gentle shove and if all he's worried about is the speeches, cut them out

Enid - know totally how you feel.

Have been with DP for nearly 5 years and have a 5 month DD but he doesn't seem too keen on marriage.

I would like to mainly so that DD and I have the same surname - she has DP's surname and also to feel more like a family (silly I know).

Unfortunately DP seems to think that a child and a joint mortgage are commitment enough - how romantic!! He has been saying we will get married 'next year' for about 3 years!!!

Having read the other comments has prompted me into organising wills as we currently don't have one. The thought of DP's parents bringing up DD if anything happens to us is so scary - must organise something soon.

Hey, just thought I'd resurrect this thread to say that dp actually proposed to me last weekend with a lovely ring and everything! So hurrah I'm getting married! Even though in-laws don't seem thrilled...theres no pleasing some people.

Congratulations Enid! Have you set a date? Mine is in Ocotber.... can't wait! It's all so exciting.

Congrats M2T - I'd like a christmas wedding in December but its going to be quite hard to organise (caterers etc all booked up early for Christmas). The next thing to do is to find out whether our local church will marry us - its such a nice church but I think they may disapprove of the two children issue...

Not being fuuny Enid, but the churches around us (some very pretty village churches too) are so desperate to pull in the crowds that they're taking anyone - Satanists, Divorces, the lot !!. I doubt that you'd have problems as a result of your 2 children. Plenty of people with kids get married in church, I think that Christianity is finally moving with the times !

Sorry that should have read 'divorcees' !

Whatever happens, I hope you get the day (and life!) you want. Best of luck

Congratulations Enid! A Christmas wedding is lovely, and once you find the venue / caterers everything else is easy as it's not a busy wedding season. Have fun with the planning.

Congratulations Enid, I'm so happy it's worked out for you! I'd give the churches a whirl, as WSM says, they can be much more welcoming than you think. After all, what they are after is people ready to make this serious commitment and wanting to do it before God. Fab news!

My brother got married 3 weeks before me and it was no problem at all. he asked if I minded and I couldnt think of any concrete reason why I would/could!

Congratulations Enid, will the dds be bridesmaids (big dd I mean)? A friend of mine had her twin youngest kids as paige boy and b/maid and he fell asleep in the aisle whilst they were exchanging vows!!! He did look cute though. Good luck with the preparations..........

Oh I am pleased to hear this Enid

Congratulations Enid - I really hope you get the wedding of your dreams

Enid, I went to a Catholic wedding last year, where the priest's sermon was all about how young people these days don't get married and how horrible it is for children born out of wedlock (this was in Ireland), all the while the couple's ten month old daughter sat in the front row. So I wouldn't worry about the children bit.

It all sounds sooo romantic (sigh)

congratulations!

Really lovely news Enid

If the vicar gets a bit funny about being maaried suggest a blessing - i've got 2 friends who've been married previously and on both occasions they had a civil ceremony and a blessing afterwards and a great time was had by all.