is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Trying not to be completely negative. The Freedom Programme should help me with confidence? I was online yesterday with it. I've been thinking how good it would be if all professionals did the course? It seems to explain some of his behayin a way I struggle to articulate (to myself even). My old GP had apparently done a DV awareness course but didn't seem to understand or even believe me. I keep thinking about the time I tried to show her injuries and she said no need to show her. That was evidence. I think the freedom programme would have helped her understand.

I'm going to try to focus on the course for now. I'm trying to be prepared for emergencies bit otherwise I think I need to take time to gain strength before trying to leave again? I feel positive about the course.

Sorry, Wolfie. I was so busy rambling to myself, I didn't see your reply.

Deep down, I know you're right. I need to be strong and face the fear. I think, even although it's not answers I'd like, having questions answered by councils, charities, etc, is helping me get the confidence to do something. Just making the calls was hard. I have more information on what to to, how to leave. I'm slowly building up a plan. I know it's slow. Its not the way I wanted to leave but I need to accept it's changed. I need to focus on the FP this week. I feel so attached to him. I just want to hug him. I need the confidence of doing the FP, I suppose, before the final leaving plans. I think I can do this. I promise I won't post again until I have a better update.

Post whenever you want to. Whatever you want to. This is YOUR thread. Talking to people, making calls and doing the FP are all massive things. You need to give yourself the credit for doing them.

Thank you for being so kind. Thank you.

@plantlife - hello again. Glad you’re working your way through the FP.

Are you getting a few lightbulb moments? You seem to suggest you are...

So glad you’ve been brave enough to ring some agencies.

My lovely counsellor once said to me that Knowledge is Power. She was quite right. The more I discovered, the more confident I felt. My gut was telling me stuff, and my brain wasn’t listening! Stuff like the FP helped a lot.

Whatever you do, DO NOT TELL HIM your plans. Ever...

Hi Plantlife, just checking in. You know, the change in your posts is becoming more and more obvious to me - you hardly ever blame yourself any more!!
And you went to the shop again AND ENJOYED IT!
Keep going, you're amazing

Thank you for the continued kind support. Thank you. Getting outdoors gave me some confidence back. It doesn't seem like it but I've drawn lots of strength from this thread. Thank you.

Do you think if I send a DV charity a link to this thread, they'll hate me or see me as difficult? All my rambled posts about the bad experiences I had with that one particular local DV charity? It probably looks like it's me being too demanding it difficult, or perhaps complicated mental health. It really was the charity but I know that's hard to believe. I spoke to two different ones today. Just briefly but they were both amazingly kind and understanding. It's made me feel more positive, that some good support is out there.

I did some more FP today. I feel guilty still about this, and any plans, but it's helping me focus I think.

It does actually seem like you’ve grown in confidence and clarity.
You could send a link but I don’t know what it would achieve. I know you’ve spoken to some places but I think you need to think about what specific questions you want them to answer and what sort of help would be best for you.
Hoping to manage a lovely dog walk tomorrow. X

I saw two lovely dogs when I went out. I hope you have a good dog walk tomorrow.

I think if I'm like I was today I should be able to explain the situation. But I've had times when I've tried to speak to support places and I feel numb and frozen, no strength to explain anything or even really speak. I know it seems lazy, maybe it is? But if that keeps happening maybe I should just email the link and ask for help. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm tired.

I plan to write down what help I think I might need, in bullet points so no rambling. Hopefully this will focus me and get things moving. I have a housing application to fill in (not in my current area) and I'm scared I won't explain things properly or say it the wrong way and then won't be accepted for help. It all feels so daunting, and I'm feeling very scared and conflicted about any plans. He's being nice.

Maybe I can do this myself. I'm going to think about possible good futures - with dogs, to try to stay strong.

@plantlife - I’m sure between us, we can help you.
I’m guessing there are two things you need sort...

• what you’re going to say on the phone

And

• what you need to write down on your housing application

You can use this space to make a start.

Personally, I find it a good idea to make myself accountable to other people when I have stuff to do.

You can also just go through this thread and pick out the stuff you need.

Not lazy at all. Could the support places help you to fill in the application.

Thank you so very much again for being so kind. I want to try to go outdoors again today. Don't want him to know so last chance before the weekend.
Over the weekend, I'll think hard about what I need to ask and what to write. If I struggle, if it's ok, I'll post here - and try not to ramble.

My local support place said they don't help with housing. I spoke very briefly to one in an area I'm thinking of moving to. They are wonderful but I don't feel I should push things. I had a brief question about the housing re DV on their area. As I'm not local at the moment I don't feel able to ask for further help. I have one other local one to possibly try on Monday.

I think it does help me to feel accountable. It pushes me to keep trying. I do feel I owe you all and I'd love to report back that I've sorted things out for myself.

I'm going to try to go outside now. So nervous. Keep feeling sick with shame about the neighbours. I have to try though

Sod the neighbours!!!
Hope you made it outside.
You owe us nothing. But you owe yourself the chance to make things better.

Thank you. I don't want to lie to you so I'll be honest. I didn't make it out. I panicked I wouldn't be ready and then back before him. I know it sounds like me being paranoid but every time I've started getting better health-wise he's awful.

I don't know what level of detail I should give in the housing application. There's a half page asking why I'm applying and a separate full page for me to write any supporting information. I don't know if I detail specific incidents. Do I just mention past physical violence or say exactly what he did. Also how far back should I go. My local DV charity said they only take into account the past 12 months when accessing risk. I don't know if it's the same for housing application. It won't make sense why I'm so scared of him if I don't refer to the past. I also don't want to say anything that would get him arrested. Especially before I've left, although I really don't want it to happen anyway. I'm already scared he'll hurt himself if I leave. I don't want to make it worse for him.

I realise I need to mentally prepare for a refuge rather than anything permanent. I'm trying to do that.

It doesn’t sound like you being paranoid. It sounds like you have the measure of your abuser and you are doing what you need to in order to feel less at risk.
He is not your responsibility. If he threatens to hurt himself it’s all part of him trying to exert control over you.

Even if you can’t do it today, it is good you are looking forward to going outside & maybe to a shop again soon.

It is an application for housing for you, so you can live safely.
Just state the facts.

Hi plantlife, sorry I disappeared, I lost the thread. It went miles down my watching list and I couldn’t remember where it was posted. I’m not very familiar with all the boards on here.

Anyway, well done for getting to the shop, that is massive progress. It’s true that you’re sounding more confident. It’s great that you’re doing FP. I’m going to do the face to face one in January hopefully.

Anyway, I was wondering if there is a Floating Support service in your area? I have had help from one in my area a couple of times and they’ve been very helpful. If you can get them on board they will help you with the housing application. I’m not sure exactly where you are or I’d look it up for you but as you’re in London I imagine there will be something.

If you intend to fill out the application yourself then you’ll need to disclose the DV. You can tell them of major historical incidents in brief but be sure to tell them about more recent incidents. When I was last on this thread he’d kicked you. I don’t know what if anything has happened since. Do not minimize this. Also you need to be very clear about the emotional strain this is causing you, eg you don’t know what mood he’ll come home in and whether he’ll be violent. Also you should tell them that he stops you from getting treatment for your medical condition. I think you have accepted that he does this now which is certainly progress from where you were. You need to make it explicit that not only does the constant stress, fear and uncertainty make your medical condition worse, but that he actively tries to prevent you from getting treatment and getting better, eg prevents you from going to appointments etc.

Anyway I’m glad to have found you again and I’m pleased to see that you’re continuing to make progress. You sound like a different women to the the scared apologetic little rabbit in the headlights that started the thread.

I’ll be back.

Thank you all again so much. I really am so grateful, and thank you for the advice.

I made the phone calls today, explained I'm scared details of DV (on the housing application) will trigger police involvement. From what I've been told it likely won't, especially as no serious violence in the most recent months.

But, unprompted by me, both people I spoke to said I wouldn't be priority need because no children. I know I've gone on and on about it here but I didn't mention it today. I actually was already resigned to that but decided no harm going on a waiting list. If I can cope with him until a place comes up, so much less traumatic than refuge/emergency housing.

I know its self-indulgence but I feel so horrible. I feel vulnerable about housing - but it's almost physically painful thinking about being childless. I feel like an outcast and partly don't care about him hurting me because being childless is a worse pain.

I'm sorry, I need to pull myself together. I know that's self pity. There's a lot I could do in life away from him, including helping animals.

Sorry for rambling. It's hard to be told the bare faced facts, although it's better than false hope.

Sorry. Rambled mess. I'm slowly mentally preparing for changes. The first person I spoke to was so kind and understanding. She wanted to look for a refuge for me but my phone cut us off. I'll call again but when I'm fully ready to do it. Back to the GP for now.

You are making progress. You’re making plans and starting to find a way out. It’s not self indulgent to be worried. Not at all.

Sorry, I forgot to say. Whatisthisfuckery, I hope you get to do the FP. I'm finding it really helpful, although my rambled post above probably doesn't seem like it. I want to do one on person when I'm well enough but I'm finding it useful being able to go back to reread things with the online one.

Thank you for the floating support suggestion. The main DV charity in my area only helps with going to court. They said they didn't help with housing. I went to their drop in a year or so ago. They called the housing woman from the council in. She just said to apply but she had no idea if I'd get help and she didn't know what information they needed (for DV evidence).

I'll try the other place again when I'm ready to completely accept it's probably got to be a refuge. I think I'm getting there. I

Thank you so much, Wolfiefan.

I really am trying. Sometimes I look back and realise how things would've been ok if I'd just had the courage to try.

But you are trying. Back to the GP. Making contact with charities. That’s all progress. You have the courage. You’re doing it!!!!!

Have just come across this post and am worried about OP. Maybe she doesnt want to talk anymore but I hope you've managed to confide in someone and leave xxxxx

Am so sorry my phone stopped at October posts but I now see you're still posting and I'm so relieved about that. Please keep posting. Understand you're life is so precious and can be so so wonderful without him xxx

You have courage and you are trying.
You are looking & moving forward.