Social services

[chloeeboww98]

Hey guys, ive never posted before nor have i used the app.

Ive recently had a social worker come and work with my and my partner. We are still in the very early stages of social care involvement. Shes still writting up the assessment and shes decided to put my LG on a child in need plan. Ive had social care involvement before 3 times and shes been on a CIN before, but my mind has gone blank on what happens next. They are involved due to a past of DV. I left my LGs dad at the beginning of the year and left and moved 2 hours away for 6 months and then we ended up back in touch. Hes comepletly changed and has really turned himself round after going down hill massively when we left. I suffer really bad with anxiety and cant go to baby groups due to this. I had a meeting with the SW, and one of the first things she said that will go into the plan is getting me down the childrens center for groupz etc. I physically cannot do it. Im on medication for my anxiety and depression, i know i need to go back in them but anyone who suffers with anxiety too will know how hard it is to call the Drs to make an appointment let alone actually going to it. My partner suffered with a crack addiction and homelessness when we left and the beginning of the year. Hes not touch anything like that for 7 months now. We both been truthful with the social services about cannibis use, we have it maybe once of twice a week when our daughter goes to stay with her grandparents. The social worker has no concerns about my flat, or myself, she said she can see how bright, up together and head strong i am. They sre purely involved because of the past of DV. Im kind of bricking it if im honest, my partner can be very short tempered with them and has a very strong dislike for the social care system due to them failing him when he was a teen. She said hopefully if all goes to plan and no more concerns araise then shes only be a couple months and then case closed. But i have a very strong feeling that thats not the case. What happens when shes done the assessment? What next? Im so worried its going to result in a CP plan, and i know if you dont comply with them at this point in the system they have the power to remove the child. Everyone i see, family/friends/strangers on the bus or in town/other professionals, they always say how happy and healthy she looks, and thats because she is happy and healthy, i just worry something more will come of this, take for example the look she gave me when i told her that at the moment im reliant on the food bank/vouchers for food at the moment, ive had aload of trouble regarding electricity supplier, spending over 120 per month on the top up key, this is why ive become reliant on yhe food bank/vouchers. It hasnt helped ive not got my freezer yet as i prefere to stock the freezer right up at iceland and just do a one off big shop. So due to not having my freezer yet ive been doing a weekly shop which also hasnt help finacially as im actually spending so much more that way. Going back about the childrens center and baby groups etc, i feel as if they are going to force me to go and i cannot do it. As soon as i walk in that center i will freeze, i wont talk, i go all sweaty, chest tightenings, struggle to breathe etc. We are a very good solid family unit now everything has been left behind. We are moving on as a family and building up our little unit.

Sorry this is such a long one, my family know i have social care involvement, i dont use social media anymore and dont really have any friends to talk to and just needed to get this all out as my partner is very black and white when it comes to social care. Thanks for taking your time to read!

Drop the partner and the weed, then the anxiety etc will reduce, I say that as someone who has been in your position.
It will be hard, I get that, but you need to do this for the future of your kid and you

@adoggymama I hope in the future if you have difficulties that you have people in your life who are willing to give you a chance and not just abuse you.

OP the occasional joint isn’t an issue at all. It’s all the other stuff. You seem to have an extremely rose tinted view of your “little unit” when from the outside it looks chaotic, irresponsible and selfish. I mean not getting treatment for anxiety even though it means you can’t take your young child anywhere to socialise? That’s one of the most shocking things I think you’ve said.

If you are anxious about going to groups see if you can get some support. If there is a branch of Mum's in Mind in your area they may be able to send some who can support you with going to groups and go to the first one with you. I think that home start also do this to.

The comments about Jeremy Kyle are just mean and unhelpful. It is concerning that you have returned to a relationship where there is domestic violence. You do come across as someone who is keen to work with services which is good. If you say, I would like to go to groups but would like some support getting out the house. That will be viewed more positively than saying I can't go because I have anxiety.

I'm definitely not a perfect mother but I am a good mother. I don't think perfect parents exist. But was does exist are parents who 100% put their children first no matter how much they would like a nice 'family unit'
Here's what I would do in your situation to be a good mother:
Stop the weed completely, be on my own with my child to ensure that they are never in an environment where dv is a risk. Cooperate fully with ss and attend any and all groups they want me to attend because I would be sure my anxiety would be a lot worse if my child was removed from me.

So you don't need to be a perfect mother op, but you do need to be a good one and that involves putting your child before the needs of yourself and your partner. Regardless of whether he has changed or not, having him in your life has trigger a ss review. As a mother that would be more than enough for me to stay out of a relationship with him and focus on ensuring ss know my child is the most important thing in my life.

I can see you feel like you are getting a hard time on here but surely you love your child enough to put her first.

HE HAS NOT CHANGED!

He's still got you doing what he wants, he's still taking drugs (so very much NOT doing "all he can"), he's still got a temper.

Even when it's "just" addiction issues the advice is to completely abstain for at least a year before the non-addict partner even THINKS about having them back! - and that's as much for the addicts benefit as the partners. I've a family full of addicts.

Going by your timings I think it was less than 6 months!

He did a great "woe is me" performance with the tent on the beach (obviously this was during the summer).

You are risking:
Losing your daughter
Losing your life
Your daughter's life.

Get rid of the loser and put your dd first.

SS seeing you fortnightly when they're under huge pressure from cuts is actually telling me they're not buying his act at all! The "encouragement" to go to groups where you & dd can be observed on a regular basis to support the fortnightly visits, as well as ensure you don't become isolated and maybe even build a support network.

I'm not buying for a second that any sw has said you'll be discharged from them within months, not in this scenario.

Who a person is at heart doesn't change. An impatient angry man will ALWAYS be an impatient angry man.

He's reeling you back in, biding his time until maybe SS start to relax too - then the abuse will start again if it hasn't already on a verbal/emotional level.

Can you say and do WHATEVER you like? Can dd? Are you being careful what you say and do? Are you managing dds behaviour so he doesn't get angry?

"We both know when to say no to it so that shows we do not have a habit." Rubbish! If that were true you wouldn't be spending food money on drugs! If you're supposedly not paying for it who is? It's not given away for free!

"No different to someone having a bottle of wine on an evening." Yes it is - one is illegal and could have God knows what in it, the other is ILLEGAL, completely unregulated & is known to contribute to MH issues which you've already mentioned. Go to your GP, be completely honest about the anxiety & eating disorder and you'll get proper treatment.

"Im sorry but who are you to say that?" In my case a teetotal veggie single mum who isn't having SS round fortnightly because I'm with an abusive addict.

I'm well aware how hard life can be seeing as I survived an abusive home (I was your dd - just add in sexual abuse too), have been homeless more than once, suffer serious MH issues and am disabled plus dd also has a disability and I've raised her alone since she was 2. Not a perfect mum, but done my best. Dd now working full time and at almost 18 in an area with huge drug issues has never even tried a cigarette.

"Just reading between the lines, you mention your partner working but not contributing and that youre having problems with bills etc...." Well spotted. So there's already financial abuse.

Most mners have had a tough time themselves at some point, there are many who've been dv victims, addicts etc so in all likelihood that's who's replying on here. People who've been where you or dd are and got out.

You're in denial and need to stop ignoring the hard facts. That is how you'll get discharged by SS.

Ask them to honestly tell you what exactly they want you to do in order to feel they can discharge you.

I highly suspect it will be:

*Ditch the loser
Ditch the drugs
Go to dr & get help for MH issues
Sort finances (loads of good advice On this to be had on mn)
Parent your child positively - that doesn't mean perfectly but the good must far outweigh the bad^

You wouldnt slam down on a mum who goes out round to town getting drunk every now and then so to me it shouldnt be fair to slam on me just for smoking a joint maybe once a week when my daughter isnt around. No different to someone having a bottle of wine on an evening. I would if that person is taking food from a foodbank when they are prioritising you own interest over their child.

If you can't afford to put food on the table then you certainly can not afford to spend money on drugs or alcohol. That just selfish behviour

I'm a social work student. Although I cannot guarantee what will be the outcome or anything else because I don't know all the details. I want to reassure you that the social workers main aim is not to take the child away from you. The social workers priority is with the child but they want the best outcome for your child. They will be trying to work with you to ensure it is a safe and a good environment for them.

Once your sw has completed her assessment of your family it will be discussed with her supervisor (this tends to be ongoing throughout) and then depending on what is found it might go to a panel to check with other professionals like doctors, teachers and sort of thing to make sure that they have no concerns. From there the case could be closed or it could be escalated. If it gets to court and an order is placed for the child to get adopted you will find it incredibly hard to prove that removing the child isn't in their best interests. I know it's hard but try not to panic and worry.

The best thing you can do is be honest to your sw and tell her of your concerns or anything that is happening/ happened. The worst thing you can do is lie or try to cover something up. SW are there to help you and your family. If you don't feel comfortable going to groups mention it. There might be other options within your community so your child can meet and play with other kids and you can socialise with other people.

The red flag for me personally is your partner. Unfortunately, I have personally seen so many women become acclimatised to abusive behaviour to the point where it becomes normal. You need to really think about how your actions might affect your child or if something is going on at home and she's witnessing it what it will mean for her.

Smoking cannabis might not seem like a massive deal but think of the setting you are then bringing your child up in. Like others have said recreational drugs really do mess with how you feel mentally and your anxiety will most certainly be effected. I would advise talk to your GP or your social worker about ways of cutting down on it and then removing it from your life. It really does do more harm than good.

You just need to really think about how you can make more positive choices to ensure your child comes first and they are not at risk of anything. I don't want to come across that I am telling you what to do, like I said I don't know you or your case. I hope your ok, try to ignore people being rude or judgemental. Unfortunately there are a lot of people with a lot of opinions and like anything on social media an innocent comment can come across as being unkind x

You’re asking what steps SS will take

Most on mumsnet, the vast majority, have no experience or dealing without SS whatsoever. Me included.

You however have had extensive dealings, and rightfully so.

Just follow the process, whatever it is. If you are the right person to care for your daughter, then you don’t need to prepare for anything, you just need to be yourself.

However given what you have payed, I pray SS remain heavily involved

It's obviously up to you if you don't post on here anymore but I hope you are still reading the replies.

I don't know very much about social services but I do know they haven't got the budget to get involved without there being serious concerns. You don't seem to accept that reality which is very worrying because that is the first step towards making real changes.

I'm not going to 'judge you' on the cannabis use but the reality is you're doing your mental health no favours with that. You need proper treatment and if you're not currently on medication then that's something you have to get sorted asap. Saying that you're too anxious to see your GP isn't going to fly with SS, and it does indicate that you're not coping well, ditto for not feeling able to go to groups at the children's centre. Ultimately if you can't make yourself take these actions then you aren't giving the best to your child.

It's not your fault that you have anxiety but it's your responsibility as a mum to take steps to deal with it and you need to show social services that you are doing this.

What you say about your partner is really worrying, it just reads to me that you are in complete denial. 'People can change'... Maybe, but not within six months. Sorry but that is delusional. Abusers rarely do change and if they do it's through a lot of therapy and taking responsibility, not blaming others and getting aggressive towards social services who are there to keep your DD safe. And you are talking about a guy who had a crack addiction just a few short months ago. He's a very bad bet and if you're honest with yourself you must know that.

Anybody looking at this objectively would be concerned because it looks like you are being manipulated into feeling sorry for him, and that you have extremely poor boundaries by letting him getting his feet back under the table after all that he has done in the very recent past.

People that prostitute themselves for drugs do it for hard drugs like smack or cocaineC not bloody weed! Weed is category c and the other 2 are category a. Addiction to weed in no way makes anyone that hard up for cash that they sell their bodies, jeez

Also pimps in the UK only exist if girls are forced into it, or work on the streets, and most sex workers don’t work on the streets and most of them are not vulnerable junkies who have no other option, some women just skipped Uni, yet still want to make a shitload of money to have all the nice things that other financially content people have, they cheated and didn’t study but went straight to the cash! I think a few of you have been watching too many movies.

OP I realise this is an old thread but MN is not the right site for you, or me for that matter, there’s too many judgmental types on it that aren’t really streetwise and you strike me as a streetwise type of person, most weed users are. Straight pegs are often clueless about so many things, it’s embarrasing.

Try Netmums, they’re a far lovelier bunch overall and slightly more in tune with people that are, dare I say it, different from themselves.

Just about every thread I’ve ever read on MN has bullies in it and some of these women claim to be in professions where they’d be sacked if they bullied people irl, however like most bullies, then they are cowards and these MN cowards hide behind their keyboards and insult people that are going through all different kinds of turmoil. You put yourself out there with this thread and you got stung, lesson learned.

In all honesty I’ve had enough of MN and I’ve often felt bullied myself and all because my views don’t fit in with their socially acceptable ones, I’m a bit of a black sheep and I used to be ashamed of this title but when I see what the white sheep are really like, then I think to myself, thankfuck I’m a black sheep.

Freedom of speech doesn’t exist on MN hun, well not if your different anyway.

The media have a point when they slag MN off, every negative thing they’ve ever said about MN is all true.

I’m deleting my account now.

‘Sigh of relief now’