Social services

[chloeeboww98]

Hey guys, ive never posted before nor have i used the app.

Ive recently had a social worker come and work with my and my partner. We are still in the very early stages of social care involvement. Shes still writting up the assessment and shes decided to put my LG on a child in need plan. Ive had social care involvement before 3 times and shes been on a CIN before, but my mind has gone blank on what happens next. They are involved due to a past of DV. I left my LGs dad at the beginning of the year and left and moved 2 hours away for 6 months and then we ended up back in touch. Hes comepletly changed and has really turned himself round after going down hill massively when we left. I suffer really bad with anxiety and cant go to baby groups due to this. I had a meeting with the SW, and one of the first things she said that will go into the plan is getting me down the childrens center for groupz etc. I physically cannot do it. Im on medication for my anxiety and depression, i know i need to go back in them but anyone who suffers with anxiety too will know how hard it is to call the Drs to make an appointment let alone actually going to it. My partner suffered with a crack addiction and homelessness when we left and the beginning of the year. Hes not touch anything like that for 7 months now. We both been truthful with the social services about cannibis use, we have it maybe once of twice a week when our daughter goes to stay with her grandparents. The social worker has no concerns about my flat, or myself, she said she can see how bright, up together and head strong i am. They sre purely involved because of the past of DV. Im kind of bricking it if im honest, my partner can be very short tempered with them and has a very strong dislike for the social care system due to them failing him when he was a teen. She said hopefully if all goes to plan and no more concerns araise then shes only be a couple months and then case closed. But i have a very strong feeling that thats not the case. What happens when shes done the assessment? What next? Im so worried its going to result in a CP plan, and i know if you dont comply with them at this point in the system they have the power to remove the child. Everyone i see, family/friends/strangers on the bus or in town/other professionals, they always say how happy and healthy she looks, and thats because she is happy and healthy, i just worry something more will come of this, take for example the look she gave me when i told her that at the moment im reliant on the food bank/vouchers for food at the moment, ive had aload of trouble regarding electricity supplier, spending over 120 per month on the top up key, this is why ive become reliant on yhe food bank/vouchers. It hasnt helped ive not got my freezer yet as i prefere to stock the freezer right up at iceland and just do a one off big shop. So due to not having my freezer yet ive been doing a weekly shop which also hasnt help finacially as im actually spending so much more that way. Going back about the childrens center and baby groups etc, i feel as if they are going to force me to go and i cannot do it. As soon as i walk in that center i will freeze, i wont talk, i go all sweaty, chest tightenings, struggle to breathe etc. We are a very good solid family unit now everything has been left behind. We are moving on as a family and building up our little unit.

Sorry this is such a long one, my family know i have social care involvement, i dont use social media anymore and dont really have any friends to talk to and just needed to get this all out as my partner is very black and white when it comes to social care. Thanks for taking your time to read!

That's EXACTLY what I was asking.

You are clearly very vulnerable, I was trying to find out just how do.

You are on the defensive, and that is what needs to stop.

People are giving you their judgements to help you, because if you continue to be defensive, you won’t change, and if you don’t change, you will end up without your child.

I’m glad your partner is getting lots of help, and it sounds like he is doing well, but he will still be judged a risk, whether you like it or not. Stop trying to win the argument and defend your choices. Start taking concerns on board and changing.

Stop arguing, and start showing that you child comes first. That means going to support groups even when it costs you every ounce of your nerve.

I agree cannabis use on its own is unlikely to be high up in the list of concerns, but it is unlikely to assist your mental health in the long term.

If someone is supplying you with weed, it may well be a route to harder drugs. What positive things does your relationship with p bring to your , and more importantly your dc , lives.

Sadly your daughter will be removed
You will not he able to kiss her goodnight or parent her in the way you want to if you don't change

Lydar, i have it everyone now and then to mainly to help with my undiognosed eating disorder, but i also smome it every now and then to relax and enjoy myself. I do not put drugs before my daughter not at all. Im for every posting things for sale to get money for food. Borrowing to make ends meet and this is not due to me buying cannibis. If im honest i dont even remember the last time i bought some

Stop the cannabis. Listen to your social worker and do everything that’s asked if you. End your relationship. Because right now, because of not doing the above, you’re on a sure path to losing your DC. You’re being very defensive. People are saying the same thing over and over to you, sometimes harshly, for good reason. They can see your situation for what it is and are trying to help. Is the odd smoke worth the risk of losing your DC? Is your relationship worth that? For the love of god use some common sense.

So you don't take it a few times a week as you originally described?

Agree alexa. Op you are deluded if you think food and a bed are all that kids need. Your child needs stable reliable parent/ parents/ carers. You have enough on your plate with anxiety, eating disorders and occassional cannabis use. Having ss involvement every 2 weeks is actually a lot. It means they have serious concerns.

So who buys it then?

why won’t you just say who pays for the cannabis instead of constantly skirting around the question?

The issue is her partner, my bet is the cannabis use would reduce or stop if he were not in the picture.

Do you have support, other than your partner?

She said hopefully if all goes to plan and no more concerns araise then shes only be a couple months and then case closed

I don't think you should worry too much OP, as long as you're doing as they suggest.

Hope it goes well for you and your family

Okay thanks everyone for the responses. I will not be responding anymore and there will be no further posts from me. Im disgusted in the way some of you have spoken to me, but as youve all said its opinions. So heres my opinion, i think a lot of you should be ashamed that as a mother you can speak to someone else the way you do. Its wrong, we are all human and we make mistakes, some more costly than others. Im feeling pretty sure that it will not result in my child being removed. My social worker hasnt even suggested anything like that nor any meetings for in the furture. I hope you all keep up the standards of a "perfect mum" i hope one day life hits you hard and you get knocked from your little throne youve created and then realise how hard it can actually be. Good luck to all you perfect mum with no faults. Oh wait you dont need it because your perfect. Opps.All the best! 🤗

@chloeeboww98 I have had a life of hell
I was brought up horrendously
I was addicted to weed at 12 -years-old
I have been in numerous abusive relationships and have gone through unimaginable trauma
I think you may feel there's no hope for you and your life hasn't much purpose
I advise you to go back into education
-Volunteer maybe at a drug and alcohol service or mind
And focus on giving your daughter a good start in life

Just reading between the lines, you mention your partner working but not contributing and that youre having problems with bills etc....

As a side note to this, If you are claiming as a single mother and your partner is living with you (classed as stopping more than 4 nights a week) and you aren't declaring a joint income - that is benefit fraud and the social workers have a duty to report that if while they are working with you things don't add up - I've done work for HMRC in admin and they really are clamping down on it.

I'm not trying to be unkind when I say this I'm just warning you as I'm sure this would only add extra stress to what is already a very difficult situation.

Re the CIN plan, call the social worker up and ask for another meeting and have a list of questions for him/her - they are there to help and explain things to you.

I hope you manage to get things sorted and that your partner stays clean but please do yourself and you're little girl a favour and ditch the weed. Any professional will take a dim view of drug use whether it's weed or heroin, it's not appropriate behaviour for parents.

OP, sorry you feel that way. I have so much experience to offer you but you have to be forthcoming. Please do co operate with SS though, it really is the best way forward.

Chloe- nobody here knows your situation and some of the replies here are horrible. And Im sorry it sounds like you and your partner are both vulnerable- probably in part due to your own childhoods. And now ss will be trying their best to make sure that that pain and destruction isn't passed on to the next generation anymore than it has been already with your daughter. It may be that despite all of your partners hard work- he just isn't able to be part of this safely.
The next steps will be that the assessment is completed and they will try to put things in place with you- like going to groups and meeting you and your daughter to help maximise your chances of looking after your daughter well enough and supporting her mental health and development. If they are really worried and you don't comply then it could be stepped up to cp. Nobody wants to remove children unless absolutely necessary- that won't be there aim. But of course if that is the only way to keep children safe then they will.
I know you feel you can't do the groups but you may need to work towards things like this to ensure your daughter is able to thrive. Unlike this thread, the assessment won't be about blaming you- but it will be about seeing if you can manage to support her develop even with your own significant vulnerability and needs. It sounds like you need all the support you can get - have you accessed any mental health support for your eating disorder and anxiety?- you could also ask if they can help with ideas about that.

People are being fucking arseholes on here, the OP has asked for advice. You might not agree with her choices but surely better to be asking for help and communicating than completely isolating herself.

The comments about Jeremy Kyle and her daughter finding a nice new family are completely out of order. Ffs, listen to yourselves.

OP, you know that by staying with your partner you are leaving yourself open to further scrutiny by social care and I hope that you are able to keep to those boundaries you have set. It's great that he's clean and the abuse has stopped but it's still very early in that recovery for all of you and it's hard to break those patterns. Has he had any help with managing his aggression?

It might have been better for you to live separately for longer if I'm honest.

What's the situation with your energy supplier? Has this been resolved yet? Getting your finances sorted will be a big help.

I hear what you are saying about weed use and alcohol and you're right. Half the people having a go at you for smoking weed when your daughter isn't there will probably be sinking a bottle of wine a few times a week when their kids are in bed.

However, cannabis use can exacerbate MH issues so think carefully about whether this could be having an impact on your anxiety and consider other ways to tackle your eating disorder.

The best thing you can do is be honest with social care about your struggles and work with them.

You have to prioritise your child and that means at the slightest hint of aggression from your partner, he has to go. No question.

I can tell you, as a mother, it seems like your situation is similar to the 1 I was in. The dv started slow... got worse. the first time the police was called I received a letter from social services, that was enough for me. Too much in fact . My ex was gone there and then. I choose my child over my relationship. The letter said, the police had informed them of domestic violence, that scared the shit out of me. I can also tell you my ex got a new gf, who he also abused and he went to jail. Ppl like tht don’t change in my opinion. If you want what is best for your child. Remove this man from your home

Who buys the cannabis? If it's your partner than he's not as Loving a dad as you say he is because if he can afford that he can afford to help with the electricity and food. Your comparison to alcohol isn't the same, it's not illegal for one, but even if it were, people would be saying the same thing, it's not acceptable to go out drinking if you can't afford to feed your child. Frankly motherhood is hard, it means putting someone else's needs wholly before your own. I think the majority of mothers have felt exhausted, frustrated and lose themselves a little, it's good to have something for you, something that relaxes you, but drugs are not the answer to that.

Support isn't always people agreeing with you, the purpose of these groups is that people can see the bigger picture that no one can see when they are in it.

You need to go to your GP, you now state you have an eating disorder, undiagnosed, as well. You say taking drugs so you eat is going to feed that cycle, you need professional help to guide you through this. Your unhealthy relationship with food is perhaps why you don't prioritise food over other things.

You say we shouldn't make judgements, but judgements are part of life, we all make judgements everyday about how we see the world and how we react to it, social services make judgements as the the stability of your home and your fitness as a parent. It is about judgements. Likewise you have judged that you believe your partner to have changed and one point you judged that he was a danger and left. So judgements change, social services have some very valid concerns based in judgements from your situation, their judgement will change based on how you react and behave from here on out. Whether you see it or not, we are trying to help. I very much feel if you carry on the path you're in you will lose your daughter. No one wants that, I think the very fact you wrote here means you love your daughter and want this situation to go as smoothly as possible, but that does mean making changes. Go to your GP, get some help, you can do this.

OP let's play this a different way.

My DC had/have everything.
Love, security, two parents
Professional parents and family friends
Beautiful home, here and abroad
Etc, etc, etc.

It did not stop dd developing mh issues - anxiety, depression, eating, cutting, ods, losing a year of school.

It did not stop a&e reporting us to ss. It did not stop SS phoning me. Even though they closed the case without meeting us we still have a record with SS. I made my blood run cold and it upset me deeply. It is horrendous.

You are minimising. He is taking advantage and behhaving for now. Itbgets very cold and miserable in a tent on the beach even in summer. Can you not see that. The cycle will begin again and it will be too late.

OP you do realise that cannabis makes mental health issues WORSE.
So when you are not high, your anxiety will feel tenfold, it isn’t the baby groups, it is your obvious reliance on weed to feel better.

People don’t judge smoking cannabis bevause it’s illegal and think that drinking is better. If you had said that you drink a bottle of wine once or twice a week without your daughter around - well people would STILL question why you can afford booze but need to use a food bank. And bottles of wine/beers are cheaper than weed !

Saying that cannabis helps your eating disorder because it gives you the munchies is ridiculous as well.

Listen to the previous posters. If your daughter meant anything to you you would do ANYTHING to keep her safe, well and healthy.

Your current lifestyle is not serving her that. She deserves better, as do you.

What I can't understand is why someone would start a thread where they cheerfully admit to spliffing up several times a week. then whine about having to use food banks. Oh hang on...

Weed doesn't help anxiety OP. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression for years now and it's much more manageable on some antidepressants and some CBT/self help books.

Ditch the drugs
Ditch the DV boyfriend
Provide food for your daughter with the money you'd use for drugs
Get to the doctors and talk about your anxiety
Socialise your daughter with other children

Then social services will leave you alone.

Unless you don't want to do that, you'll most likely lose her. (My mums a social worker).

Like PP have said, if there's an emergency and you're high your daughter is at risk (even if she's at her grandparents when you do it!).

It's shameful that you prioritise drugs over good food for your daughter. 😔

If SS are going to ask you to go to groups it will be for yours and the children's benefit so you're not isolated. However if you are finding this difficult then speak to SS and voice your worries with your anxiety, with their help you maybe able to get some support to help with your anxiety and that will/should only go in your favour in the long run.