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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 12:47

Sorry Twiglett I thought I had answered the ? re "the mess you have caused and build bridges...etc"

Because it is not possible, as I have seen from this thread to change people's entrenched opinions. It just isn't. And I respect that and we just get on with our lives as we have been for the last seven years.

Why this has come up again as an "issue" is because of my other SD post last week, when people jumped on the other woman thing. DS does not miss having DH's side of the family. DH would not be open to any sort of bridge-building anyway and mainly because he knows it just would not work.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 12:48

Speccy - this post is not for me to defend myself or my husbands actions. Only DH and his ex can answer that one. SO just leave it please.

OP posts:
Speccy · 05/06/2007 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 12:52

Again I see we're - back to the sex thing.

Like I said, there are worst ways of being unfaithful in a relationship than having sex with someone else.

OP posts:
Speccy · 05/06/2007 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:53

of course it is possible for your DH to build bridges with his Mother and his Sisters

honestly, do you think your son could ever do anything you wouldn't forgive him for?

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:55

There is an old adage that maybe you should think about

?If one person tells you that you have a tail, you laugh.
If a second person tells you, you laugh.
But if a third person tells you, you turn around and look!?

Tutter · 05/06/2007 12:57

don't think she wants to hear, twig

bsb, maybe best to leave it, you're not going to hear what you want to hear

NKF · 05/06/2007 12:57

BSB - I don't think you really want a discussion of the issues. I think you want people not to judge you harshly. And I think you think harsh judgements are unfair because your DH was unhappy in his marriage. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that.

My guess is that you would have to make a very strong case for the ex-wife being terrible before anyone would say that it was right for him to leave her when she's just had his baby. And you haven't really made that case.You've just made a long list of his unmet needs. It doesn't sound as if even his mother was convinced and God knows, mothers tend to be on the side of their children.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 12:57

Speccy - yes we do consider other people's feelings actually FYI. How judgemental you are .
We don't think it will do DS any good to put him into this IL situation - he is only 3.5 after all. None of this has anything to do with him.

OP posts:
mummydoit · 05/06/2007 12:58

Someone I know suffered mental and physical abuse for 25 years in a marriage everyone thought was perfect. It was only meeting someone else that gave her the courage to leave the marriage. Does that make the wife-beating, controlling ex-husband the innocent party and her the marriage-wrecking witch? It's not always black and white. Sometimes the partner who is left deserves every ounce of sympathy, sometimes they get what they deserve. I think the true innocent parties are the children of broken marriages.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 12:59

calm down twig

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:59

oh bugger .. I apologise and I shall get that deleted

Speccy · 05/06/2007 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 13:00

I don't know what planet you people live on.

Not all mothers are perfect women who forgive their children.

Not all marriages/relationships end tidily and amicably.

Step children exist.

People sleep with each other whilst still in relationships.

This is happening as we speak. You can't judge people for not being perfect. You can't condemn people for admitting to their own imperfections.

OP posts:
tribpot · 05/06/2007 13:01

You say he left soon after their child was born - this happened to one of the members of my antenatal club here on MN, her husband departed when the baby was 4 weeks old. Classy. You're not going to get anyone here saying "hey ho, that happens" (except I think someone did tell macdoodle to chill out about the fact her husband's ex-mistress is planning on giving her child his surname!).

On the other hand, a friend of mine got pregnant as a result of an affair with a work colleague who was living with someone else (no kids). Another friend of mine had an affair with a married man, also a friend. (No kids either before or after that one!). Both say things similar to you: at the time they just didn't think about the consequences of what they were doing, it kind of seemed like a dream and it "just happened".

They both know - now - that isn't true, and I don't judge them because they're my friends, they've made mistakes and acknowledged it. (Which I don't think you have).

However, I wouldn't expect Mumsnet to validate their choices and say "well done you - pregnant by someone else's boyfriend, eh? Nice one".

Oh, I forgot: another friend of mine got pregnant by her lover whilst married to someone else (already had a child with him). I think I must surround myself with the morally bankrupt I haven't spoken to her about why she did what she did. I certainly don't approve of it though!

Tutter · 05/06/2007 13:01

we know it happens bsb

doesn't mean it's ok

doesn't mean we won't disapprove

Lasvegas · 05/06/2007 13:01

Brown sugar thanks for Zoo info. The wronged women sounds like Mother Teresa and your DSS is very lucky to have such a great mum.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 13:02

And BTW I never said that DH's ex-partner was the bad person in the relationship. It takes two to make a relationship work and to make it not work.

OP posts:
mummydoit · 05/06/2007 13:02

Twiglett, I really don't think I deserved that.

Rhubarb · 05/06/2007 13:02

This thread is getting way out of hand I think.

Brownsugar I think what you need to bear in mind is what you yourself have said. We don't know all the circumstances of your dh's past relationship. From what you have said, he was unhappy in the marriage but I guess his wife wasn't exactly over the moon with it either. Did he not try Relate?

I suppose what people are saying is that if there is something wrong with your relationship you don't just walk into another one and call it a day. You work on it.

A lot of mums on here have been on the receiving end of affairs and so of course they are going to emphathise with his first wife, surely you can try to understand that? You now have a stable relationship with him and I hope he has access to his other child.

But in an ideal world what everyone is saying is that the decent thing for your h to have done would have been to have tried other courses of action to save his marriage, especially with a young child being involved. Did he not think she could have been suffering from depression? As it was he left her with a young baby to set up home with you. On the face of it, it does seem a bit heartless of him. But for all we know he could have tried his best to save the marriage etc etc.

I think you have to look outside the box and see things from other peoples perspectives. On a site like Mumsnet you have to be aware that others have been painfully let down by their husbands and may take a dim view of the "other woman". If I were you I would put this thread down to experience and leave it at that.

Tutter · 05/06/2007 13:04

mummydoit, twig didn't direct that at you

mummydoit · 05/06/2007 13:05

That's a relief! It's just it followed immediately after my post and had me reeling! Sorry, Twig!

Rhubarb · 05/06/2007 13:06

And you yourself only know your dh's point of view on his ex wife, which of course he is going to embellish. I doubt their marriage ending was all that black and white either. She too has a story to tell and I daresay it'll be very different to his.

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