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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
mummydoit · 05/06/2007 12:22

I'm not sure that I like the idea that men are objects to be owned by one woman and stolen by another. They have minds of their own. The OP is spot on when she says married men do not look elsewhere if they have a happy marriage. In an ideal world, they should separate before getting involved with someone else but many men, particularly if there are children, will stick with a bad relationship in the hope it might improve. It's only meeting someone else and realising there is a happier alternative that gives them the push to end the bad relationship. In some ways, I'd be more inclined to respect a man who persevered with a bad marriage until the last possible minute rather than someone who bailed out at the first sign of trouble. Plus, sometimes you don't realise how bad things are until someone comes along to show you a better way.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:23

sorry just read the extremely childish 'not possible to build a relationship now'

oh really?

look at your DS .. is there anything he could ever do that could make you imagine cutting him out of your life? .. this woman is your DH's mother .. she cradled him as a baby and nursed him through sickness .. she will forgive him if she is approached .. (the issue here is either of you accepting that you deserve forgiveness isn't it)

stop acting like farking children (this is SO irritating) and try to build bridges

so they didn't come to your wedding

big feckin' deal

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 12:23

Exactly move on from what you did, accept it was wrong and try to make the best of where your life is now without going back over old ground.

Trying to justify it will just continue to aggravate the situation.

nannyogg · 05/06/2007 12:24

Can I offer another pov? My brother has just done this to my SIL. After 20 odd years my SIL is not, to me, just some woman my brother is married to - she's like a sister to me, and a very close friend. I'm outraged on her behalf and disgusted with my brother. It's early days but I can't see us ever accepting his bit on the side (for that is what she was) wholly into our family. And I'm sorry but my mother has also insited that she will never be regarded as part of the family. In time things may change but I believe there will always be a barrier there.

I don't know what would happen if my brother and that woman ever did have children, but I would sincerely like to think that we would be accepting of my brother's child - as long as the child's mother was willing to help build bridges instead of insisting she had the right not to be viewed negatively.

SoupDragon · 05/06/2007 12:24

In answer to the thread title, yes you are.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:25

"Why should the man be called a B*d or W**r, why should the woman be a homewrecking, sex crazed, slut necessarily, and why does the one left behind always become this saintly persona?"

because unless the 'one left behind' said our relationship is over, go and shag that girl then she is the innocent party in this .. which is why she takes on saintliness .. because she did nothing .. whilst you two did SOMETHING to bring hurt to other people

madmarchhare · 05/06/2007 12:25

bigmouth, I think women 'turn' because they believe a woman should have it in her to see the damage they may be causing to the family, children etc.. if not, then there is an urge to defend the childs interests (the father already having dismissed them).

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 12:25

Men are not object to be owned but when they enter into a relationship they willingly commit to be faithful, they are perfectly free to stay single of course they then dont have someone at home to cook, clean & bear their children.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 12:27

Las Vegas - the purpose of that visit to the zoo and when DH's ex came brought SD to DS's party (160 mile round trip by the way!), was so that SD can re-establish a relationship with DH. DH had made two or three initial visits to them prior to that.
and obviously as SD had no knowledge of DH and us as a unit no one would have wanted to put SD in such a wierd situation of having to meet all these strange people all on her own.

Fanny action Fio Fio? What the hell are you talking about? This isn't the Jeremy Kyle Show you know.

And no, I don't want a scrap. That is so not my world? Is it yours.

OP posts:
TenaLady · 05/06/2007 12:29

Well, unfortunately and sometimes fortunately we have to live by the given standards in our society.

I agree with the fact that had things been happy at home he wouldnt of left. That doesnt make you the evil woman.

However, I think you both could of been a little more sensitive to folk around you. Not sure what the great hurry was to get married but I would of thought you would give everyone time to recognise that you have a relationship with this man before you jump in and stick two fingers up to everyone elses thoughts.

Its not compulsory to do so but it does act to smooth your own path.

This rejection and negative thought pattern from all around you could the very thing that destroys this relationship.

Hope time heals but in my experience it often continues to feel a tarnished existance and quite a stressful too. Good luck

handlemecarefully · 05/06/2007 12:29

Have only read your OP and wouldn't dream of calling you any names etc, however I personally have a problem with women who go after men who are already in a relationship (irrespective of the circumstances)...because I believe in the 'sisterhood' and I do appreciate that makes me sound like a bad 1970's throwback

It's not so difficult to date only men who are single is it?

mummydoit · 05/06/2007 12:30

Men commit to be faithful to a person as that person is on the day they marry. Suppose she changes? Suppose she behaves in a way that is completely in opposition to his beliefs? Suppose she renages on a promise (eg they agreed to have kids, she refuses). These are not completely hypothetical. I have known people in these situations. People grow and change and it is a sad fact of life that married couples do not always grow in the same direction. Sometimes it can be worked through, sometimes not.

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 12:31

yes but it can be worked through between them and a decision made without the outside influence of an affair which skews everything

handlemecarefully · 05/06/2007 12:31

mummydoit - it's perfectly acceptable for a married or cohabiting couple to go their separate ways and bail out on a relationship. It is not acceptable if the reason was another 'woman' or 'man'

SoupDragon · 05/06/2007 12:33

But,that's not the point. You fix or end one relationship before embarking on another. You don't just go and sh*g someone else.

NKF · 05/06/2007 12:34

I think the left spouse (providing he or she is normal) always gets the maximum sympathy because they are put (often suddenly) in a position not of their choosing. And often one that makes them very unhappy. They are sometimes on their own with small children and therefore people rally round because they need help and support.

Tutter · 05/06/2007 12:37

don't have energy for whole thread

but isn't it simple? if you're in a relationship then anything outside of that is an affair. if you're having an affair then you're going to be judged and called unpleasant names

i'd prob think those names of you, yes

if you begin a relationship with a divorced/separated man/woman then it's different

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 12:37

You're probably going to ignore this question again BS but I'll ask it one last time

WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO FIX THE MESS YOU'VE BOTH CAUSED BY SHOWING A LITTLE RESPONSIBILITY AND TRYING TO BUILD BRIDGES WITH HIS FAMILY?

TenaLady · 05/06/2007 12:38

When my married came to an end (still not sure of the reason) I consoled myself by blaming the fact that I obviously didnt fulfil his needs. He had a choice and he made it. (He didnt go to another woman though).

Maybe if I had been this or that he may of felt he wanted to continue.

So bad luck me and next time look after your man.

compo · 05/06/2007 12:38

At the end of the day it's up to him to build bridges with his family.
Just like I refuse to send b/day cards to my inlaws - that is dh's job

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 12:40

Twiglett
How do you know what the woman left behind may have done or not done. Or are you saying as seems to be underlying implication in a lot of these posts that the worst thing you can do in a relationship is to be sexually unfaithful?

So if you ignore your partner, don't communicate, don't share your thoughts and feelings, exclude him from your life, act as if they don't exist or don't need to be there, basically stopped being their friend and soulmate. Personally I think that would signal that the person has lost "faith" in you as a partner - if they no longer attempt to share their life with you. If you make a person feel so unhappy in a relationship - are you suggesting that all that is fine as long as you are not sexually unfaithful?

Surely being faithful in a relationship is about more than just sex it is about having an unspoken agreement to share your life with another person, that means sharing all the the things I mentioned above too. Surely either partner who stops doing any of those things could equally be accused of being unfaithful to the relationship that is shared between two people. Why is all the focus only ever about sex.

Do you know that some people have faithful loving relationships and are OK about their partners having sex with other people? Would you say that they are being unfaithful - would you disapprove.

In a relationship a person of course a person does might not want their partner to be sexually unfaithful - but often by that same person might already be behaving in an emotionally unfaithful way by shutting their partner out of their lives.

OP posts:
NKF · 05/06/2007 12:42

BSB - no-one is arguing that there is no such thing as a bad marriage.

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 12:43

just that you should sort it out and then move on

SoupDragon · 05/06/2007 12:44

The point is BSB, a previous relationship has to end before another is begun. Nothing else matters.

Speccy · 05/06/2007 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.