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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
NKF · 05/06/2007 13:06

BSB - you did ask why is the left person always seen as the saint though and when you talk about a woman who was indifferent to her husband and dismissive of him, I've assumed that you are referring to her. Maybe you weren't and if not, I apologise for making the wrong assumption. You've also suggested that he tried and tried to make the marraige work. So in a sense you have suggested that he was unhappy and that it was her fault. That's the impression I've got anyway.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 13:06

sorry you thought it was directed to you mummydoit .. it was just a cross-post I'm afraid

and as I said immediately after I'm sorry for posting it at all and have asked for it to be deleted

Loubie37 · 05/06/2007 13:08

As the 'innocent victim' I need to put my point across here.

My ex husband left me and our 2 kids 5 years ago for another woman. They're now married.

Some people's point of view is that if there was nothing wrong with the marriage there wouldn't be an affair in the first place, ie the affair is a symptom of a bad marriage.

I've got to say I disagree with this. Call me naive if you want but the news that he was having an affair came like a bolt out of the blue. We were still happy (as far as I knew). Nothing had changed (as far as I knew) and we were still being intimate.

So as far as I'm concerned, NO, the other woman had no right to 'steal' my husband away and to 'steal' my children's father. My kids hate her for what they both did to me (and to them). OK he was to blame as well, but he's their dad so as far as they're concerned the blame all lies with her.

As it happens, I'm happily married again now with a gorgeous baby boy but that doesn't mean that what they did back then was right. And having been through it, there is NO WAY I could ever inflict the hurt and pain on to someone else. If god forbid I ever 'fell out of love' with my DH, I would have the decency (and guts) to end that relationship before embarking on another one.

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:09

BSB - what do you want people to say? That what you and your DH did - and are doing - is totally fine? That would be judgemental too of course but pehaps that wouldn't bother you as it would be a judgement in your favour.

foxinsocks · 05/06/2007 13:09

I don't think anything involving emotions is ever simple tbh.

But BSB, no matter what you do, the way the majority of people think/feel about affairs will stay the same. He cheated on his partner with you. That is the black and white fact that everyone else sees - they don't see all the details behind that.

You must have known people would make that judgement of you. So in your shoes, I'd move on from that because nothing you say or do could change the way that a 3rd party views your situation.

mummydoit · 05/06/2007 13:11

That's okay, Twig. Sometimes it's hard to keep track of who's replying to who. Loubie - yours are the cases where I really do feel the sympathy lies with the person who is left. It's easy to say a marriage must be bad for a person to leave it but if you have no idea there's any problem, it must be a terrible shock. I do feel for you. I wonder what your ex told the other woman. I wonder if she knew your marriage was okay. Glad you're happy now with someone else.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 13:12

BSB I have to laugh at the concept of you "thinking of other peoples feelings" whose were you thinking of when you married your DP just after his partner had given birth? I guess you thought she was pleased because you were so in love.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 13:16

OK there are some on here who would like BSB burnt at the stake but I think one of the things some of us are objecting to is her sense that what she has done is "right" no sense of responsibility for her actions "lurve excuses all"

I have no problems with married people who agree to have sex with other people that is a whole other thing - doesnt float my boat but each to their own.

FioFio · 05/06/2007 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 13:18

Thanks Rhubarb for your post.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Although calling people "ANNOYINGLY UP-YOUR-OWN-ARSE MORALLY BANKRUPT IDIOT" is a bit rude - and again it's not what I'm about. What I was trying to do was open a discussion about why "other women" become so stereotyped as bad etc.

I think the person who leaves will always be the bad person, particularly if they leave for someone else - then that someone else becomes the cause of the relationship breaking down, when really they were actually a symptom that the relationship was not working - for whatever reason.

It is very easy to make judgements and assumptions about this particular situation. I won't paint DH's ex as being the bad one in the relationship. And if people want to read that into what I have written that is up to them. Why should there be a bad person - it just wasn't working between them that's all, DH tried, she tried, they both tried for a long time - it didn't work.

If people have been the ones left behind then naturally their emotions on this subject are likely to be strong as it is a painful thing to go through.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 13:21

This thread is getting out of hand.

The problem with is that we (as in me too really) want BSS and her DH to acknowledge having done something wrong and start building bridges.

I don't imagine that anyone on this thread wants to pillory her. Everyone has emphasised letting the past go and building bridges. The trouble is that letting the past go is only possible if you are prepared to acknowledge mistakes.

So given that BSS can't/won't acknowledge any wrongdoing, and can't/won't build bridges, this thread is not going to go anywhere. Hurling abuse at her is NOT going to make her open her eyes.

Some people will have been very hurt by behaviours similar to that of BSS, but please can we all be moderate in our postings?

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:21

The other woman is "stereotpyed as bad" because she is seen as deliberately choosing to behave in a way that causes pain to someone else/other people.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 13:21

oh gawd .. I have to snort at you repeating that when I immediately apologised and asked for it to be deleted, which it was .. LOL

FioFio · 05/06/2007 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:22

QU - you might react negatively to the OP without having experienced infidelity yourself.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 13:24

Exactly Q - but I dont think BSB can do that so I dont see how she can move forward.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 13:25

I think twig typed before taking a deep breath LOL she admitted it was wrong immediately

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:26

She doesn't want to move forward. Doesn't want support. She just doesn't see why she should be regarded as a bad person for what she did. That's my impression anyway.

Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 13:27

I agree NKF but people who have been very hurt by infidelity are likely to be more outraged by some of the fairly predictable "my wife didn't understand me or meet my needs" type of guff.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 13:27

Ah well then we need to agree to disagree and perhaps she needs to give some though to Twigletts adage about the tail

tribpot · 05/06/2007 13:28

In fairness, see my earlier post about some of the antics of my friends, I don't think they are bad people. I think they made bad choices. Where my friends have refused to acknowledge that they have made bad choices (i.e. friend who wanted me and dh to go on holiday with him and his married lover so it would look like a 'friends' holiday' in the eyes of her husband) I've found it much more difficult to stay in touch.

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:29

QU - that's true and I expect that's where the heat comes from. But infidelity can be a good subject for discussion because it raises lots of important questions about how we should treat each other and how important is a good relationship and where does one's own happiness belong when there are children involved.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 13:32

But the thing is I don't think I or DH have done anything "wrong". If you feel that sleeping with someone while they are still in a relationship is wrong then we were wrong. But I have also said that there are worse things you can do to someone in a relationship.

ALthough I do take on board waiting to get married - and how getting married so quickly could be perceived (and was). Particularly as he was with his ex for 13 years and never married her. But it's done now.

The fact that me and DH fell in love caused some people a lot of pain.

OP posts:
contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 13:33

BSB what could you do that was worse then, interested to see what your priorities are

oranges · 05/06/2007 13:34

i'd genuinely like to know how bad their relationship was, if she got pregnant and had a baby so soon before you married him.

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