So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

they wil fuck up - I did - that is life -

It wouldn't stop me loving them, I will love them til the day I die but that would be one thing I could never accept. Ever. There is no excuse for it whatsoever - you end one relationship and then you start a new one. It really is tht simple.

ooh beety are you an evil homewrecker too?

you do know that 'disown' means refuse to have contact with don't you?

Twiglet you are funny and I agree with everything you have just said in your last two posts. It's ridiculous behaviour not to leave a grudge behind.

This thread is sad and circular.

And that's the main reason why DH and I won't go back and say let's all be friends. I personally would not disown my DS either.

Yes, of course I do.

To me 7 years is an awfully long time to disown your child (unless it had done something unforgiveable like rape or was a pedophile) but as BSB says we dont know all the details. I would be suppportive of my DS partner but still want to maintain a relationship with my son although I would be angry and disappointed in him.

I wouldn't disown mine and I would be devastated not to know my grandchlidren. I would be over the top conciliatory to prevent that from happening. That said if my daughter married someone who'd recently left a wife and small baby, I would be dismayed at her choice.

dh's grandad (his dad's dad) had an affair and they haven't spoken for about 10 years

he hasn't seen either of my girls

at his ex wife's funeral he 'wasn't welcome'

and when they had sorted out her estate all contact was off again

pathetic I say, fgs, MOVE ON

ok I am going to be brutally honest and blunt here.

people have affairs, it happens. people fall out of love with their partner and sometimes fall in love with someone else. it happens. but...

A man who sleeps with another woman while his wife is carrying his child is the lowest of the low.

A woman who sleeps with a man while is wife is carrying his child is the lowest of the low.

So you can go on to have a successful relationship afterwards, but at the time, what you did is the lowest form of humanity.

nope -

have shagged a marreid man though - a long time ago. He is still with his wife as far as I know

so if babydragon had an affair with a married man, you'd refuse to speak to her again?

BSB I would be geniuinely interested in your justification to yourself for these actions. What were the circumstances that made you think what you have done is ok really?

It will never become an issue because I will ensure they are brought up to have the morals not to do it.

WannaBe - when you say you're going to be brutal, you really do mean it.

Now, about that Brian character? Have you seen him about recently?

yes I think Move one - we aall make mistakes of some sort and hurt others - it doesnotmake us bad people

those are YOUR morals not theirs soupy
They will have their own

soupy - it may have nothing to do with your parenting sadly - any of those dragons may go off the rails. 'tis life

Bad decisions don't make us bad people. But sometimes they have really bad consequences that we have to live with. Besides the OP doesn't think what she did was bad. Because, as he told her, the marriage was bad and they were in love. Real love.

God I'm no angel either
I shagged someone when his wife had just had a baby (in my defense I was very young, it was a threesome and he started it )
It was a silly pissed thing and she never found out thank god, I felt so terrible though until I had kids I really had no idea what I had done)

people make mistakes though, I think we can only bring our children up to have the strength to acknowledge their mistakes and to do their utmost to attone for them .. even if it means demonstrating the humility needed to apologise for their actions and striving to make things better .. even if rebuffed in the first instance

at least that's what I hope my children will understand

Nope. Not even BabyDragon. I will support her through drugs, teenage pregnancy and a whole host of other "disasters" but if she knowingly embarks on/continues a relationship with a married man (or woman ) I will disown her.

But, like I say, I will raise her and her brothers to know that it is unacceptable and prior relationshps should be ended first.