So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

I posted to open a discussion about so called "other women". Yes i could have kept it abstract in hindsight. Reading through the threads has been insightful.

I don't mind if people want to judge me. That's their prerogative. I have lived the past seven years with DH with a big fat judgement from MIL and SIL's (who have never met me or had a conversation with me BTW) so what the heck. It's the idea of me that people don't like, and I realise that from this thread.

Tribpot I do think that is a reasonable question. So BSB DH comes home tomorrow and you realise he has been doing the deed with a buff single free 19 year old - how would it feel?

Oh teas ready.

It's your attitude that I don't like

You are justifying it to yourself, you seem to have done a good job of that

However you will never justify it to anyone else because it is wrong

I can understand your inlaws being judgemental initially, god yes

but after 7 years????? [mind boggles]

a lot of growing up to do all round imo

I'm gonna get contentious again now that the spout question has been settled.

It's not the just the idea of you as the "other woman" BSS. It's what you did. Sorry to be so blunt about it.

I think I must have been born French by mistake

or Italian

as THESE THINGS HAPPEN

ranting on saying they shouldn't is all well and good BUT THEY HAPPEN

the only thing you can do is make a bad situation better

and that means getting your son to see his other family

You say that, Olive but, much as I love my children, if any of them were invoved in something like this (as adulterer or Other Person) I would disown them.

Fio - but things fester. You get cross and have a row and no-one will apologise and before you know it, time has passed and it's too late or too hard or too painful to get the relationship back. Not speaking from experience but from observation.

really soupy?

I had you down as a reasonable sort

link your pitchforks pleasee to lighten the tone

the fact that you feel the need to vehemently protest your innocence brownsugarbabe suggests that you may have a bigger hang up about yourself being the "other woman" than anyone on this thread who has disagreed with you. If you were comfortable with your life and the family you have made for yourself you would probably not feel a need to post [hmmm]

just get over the whole sorry shenanigans and move on. your dh's family have made the decision (rightly or wrongly) to not have a relationship with you and your new family, which is a shame, but sadly sometimes inevitable when this happens.

However, best of luck for the future, and try and put other peoples views behind you -they may change in time but theres not much you can do to influence them.

Personally I would feel very nervous of being in a relationship with someone who cheated on, and left, their previous wife, particulaly when she had a small baby. Call me old fashioned, but this would give me 'trust issues'. After all, the man can say 'things were going wrong' in the relationship anyway but you only have his word for that...and he would say that wouldnt he? Plus he has already proved himself fully capable of a huge amount of deceit by having an affair in the first place......

I would always be wondering if he left his wife because I happened to be the more appealing option at the time......some men are shallow like that, they prefer a new, fresh partner to the one they are used to, who maybe is showing them less attention since the babies came along, and who might be tediously suffering from PND or something.....

But then I am cynical

nooooo soupie

I wouldn't disown either of my children under any circumstance. But I would be greatly saddened if they started hurting other people and refused to take responsibility for their actions.

Yes, really, Olive. I would support them should their relationship fail and then they move on to another one but if they embark on one without finishing the prior one properly and decently I will disown them. I hope that I will manage to raise them with the morals to ensure this never becomes an issue though.

That's hard FF. Perhaps there will be a breakthrough.

I don't get why its so hard to say "We're sorry for any hurt we caused in the past, but we're a family now and would like you to be part of it and know your grandchild / nephew"

am rather shocked at that soupy .. nothing would make me disown my children .. nothing!

I would never disown my kids