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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
ernest · 05/06/2007 14:05

bloody hell, that's soooo easy for you to say, to justify your terrible behaviour! That poor baby, coming into the world without it's dad around, it's poor mother having to cope with the sudden end to her relationship, the fact that her partner cheated on her, then so soon after, marrying someone else (not that you're crowing over that fact either). Yes, now I see you did the baby a favour.

I'm sorry, but you come across as so totally selfish, blinkered and thoroughly unpleasant. No wonder your in laws don't want anything to do with you.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 05/06/2007 14:05

I agree with Twiglett

And those saying similar to her on this thread

I also don't agree with this idea that only the married person has a responsibility for a marriage. That is the point of marriage: it is a public relationship and as members of society we are all asked to support it. Opting out of any responsibility not to shag someone else's spout, is pretending "there is no such thing as society" imo

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 14:05

Again you are making an assumption about the grandmother.

Not all grandmothers are lovely cuddly old women in cardies with a their hair rolled into a grey bun, who sit knitting all day and eating Werthers Originals.

There is a lot that you don't know and that's not your fault - but try not to judge, please.

OP posts:
Tutter · 05/06/2007 14:06

tis not only sweet knitting grannies that deserve a relationship with their grandchildren though

OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 14:06

"not to shag someone else's spout"....

?????

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 05/06/2007 14:06

Sorry don't mean spout, mean spouse

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 14:06

I started a clear and concise vote thread for your question btw .. answer yes, no or undecided to the title question

here

although to be fair people seem to think it was the wrong thing to do .. I thought it would be interesting to have the discussion here and the vote there

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 05/06/2007 14:06

Tea-pot passions....

I really want a cup of earl grey

Desiderata · 05/06/2007 14:07

What a very strange thread ...

NKF · 05/06/2007 14:07

Well, look BSB - you post bits and pieces and then say "ah, but if you knew the whole truth you might think differently". And perhaps we might. Or might not. But so far all we know is what you've told us and as far as I can see, nobody has given you a round of applause yet.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 14:08

I really wish you no malice at all (I dont know if you were referring to me) bearing in mind your DH has already left behind one family I would really hope he can stick with this one. The point is he has been capable of the deception before and is therefore capable of it again.

Who know may be he did tell his wife he was unhappy and she didnt listen where you will - perhaps that will be your strength.

I shudder at the thought of being inseparable from DH - I need my space.

Saturn74 · 05/06/2007 14:08
Tutter · 05/06/2007 14:08
Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 14:09

Ernest - I agree with you and empathise fully with DH's ex and the SD's situation. It is a horrible horrible situation to be in. You don't know me, or what I was thinking/feeling at that time. I am putting things down in a factual manner here because if I were to present myself in any other way you guys would either not believe me, or find a way of twisting it around. So I guess the nuance of the emotions surrounding these events is lost. But believe me, you have no idea.....

OP posts:
Twiglett · 05/06/2007 14:09

I've been told to say sorry for starting the vote thread

so sorry

again

Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 14:09

VSS - is it just long spouts that tickle your fancy? Or would a short spout - like a milk jug do the trick?

Do you get carried away by watering cans?

SoupDragon · 05/06/2007 14:10

"So SoupDragon I disagree with your post "

Which one?

And as for you not having painted her as anything, as per Speccy's post on Tue 05-Jun-07 13:47:40, amongst other comments, you have clearly painted her as someone deserving of her fate and causing the breakdown of her marriage.

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 14:10

try us BSB

We might just understand
or we might see more excuses and self-justification for unjustifiable acts as we have seen so far!

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 05/06/2007 14:11

LOL, i was in the middle of making a pot of tea when I posted that and i was looking at the tea-pot...

Hence the confusion of spouts and spouses

OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 14:11

How about tea urns?

persephonesnape · 05/06/2007 14:11

Loubie37 on Tue 05-Jun-07 13:08:40 .

glad everything eventaully worked out for you - really hope the OPs Dh's XP has the same end result.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 14:13

Ohh tea sounds like a good idea & I have a child I should be interacting with

Speccy · 05/06/2007 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 05/06/2007 14:15

I don't think (in my case) that there is any malicious intent in asking how you would feel if dh had an affair, it's a straightforward question. You think it wasn't wrong when he had an affair with you, therefore I assume you wouldn't think it was wrong if he now chose to have an affair with someone else. I hope he won't, but by your logic, if the marriage wasn't working - which it sounds like it is - it would be okay.

oliveoil · 05/06/2007 14:16

everything is black and white on NM all the time isn't it?

no shades of grey at all to be found, ever

well, sorry but life isn't like that folks

people have affairs, no they shouldn't

but they do

and just because someone has an affair, doesn't mean they will always have affairs

I really feel strongly however that you - or more pointedly your dh - needs to build bridges

your son needs to know his grandma and sibling imo

can you arrange a excuse to meet up, half hour visit for something, then build it up from there?

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