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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 13:54

But surely then if you are thinking about the children primarily - all the more reason to get the hell out if what they are going to grow up with is seeing two unhappy people who stayed together just for them. Surely it is better to see your parents happy in secure loving relationship.

OP posts:
Tutter · 05/06/2007 13:54

don't think anyone is arguing against ending an unhappy relationship, bsb, just that you shouldn't start another while it's ongoing

OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 13:54

But BSB, don't you think that most relationships start off that way?

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:55

I certainly don't hate you. I don't know you. I'm just interested in why you feel so aggrieved about the way some people view you. You must have known that people would be hostile to what you did and to your opinion and yet you posted. Why?

Blandmum · 05/06/2007 13:56

I think everyone would agree that there are two sides to every story.

But the honorable thing to do is to end one relationship before you start the next.

Simple as that. And it really is that simple. Anything else is dishonest. No everyone concerned.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 13:56

I am sure the hidden feeling/wish in all of this is that I will one day be the wife left behind. But that's OK and very true to the stereotypical hatred of us so called "other women".

OP posts:
imtheirmum · 05/06/2007 13:57

To the people who've posted the more "heated" comments on here - genuinely curious! Do you tend to make comments like this to people's faces? It just strikes me that people use the anonymity of forums to be express things in a way that they just wouldn't in a face to face situation. If you knew the person concerned, and she was generally a nice person (hopefully!!), would you say stuff like this? NOT saying you're wrong to post (your opinions were sought after all!!), but just can't help noticing forums end up with views expressed in a way they never would at playgroup/coffee mornings or the watercooler!!
To BSB - you're a lamb to the slaughter opening up your life to strangers like this. The people who've posted critical comments will just go away and get on with their own lives - but if I were you I know I'd end up letting their comments eat away at me. Whatever the rights or wrongs of your situation you've certainly faced criticism by the people you know - why open yourself up to more?

NKF · 05/06/2007 13:57

Not at all. Not from me anyway. Why would I wish bad things to happen to a stranger. You said you wanted a debate. So debate. Don't go plaintive.

Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 13:57

BSB you started by saying that you hadn't done anything wrong, and suggested that whoever had been hurt was in some way to blame.

Now you are saying that you acknowledge you did hurt people and that some people might think you have done something wrong.

Is that progress? It feels like progress to me.

Blandmum · 05/06/2007 13:57

I don't think that anyone wants that to happen to you. But given that he has already done it once, he could well do it again.

tinymum · 05/06/2007 13:58

I kind of agree with NKF. Surely you realise that when a relationship breaks up and children are involved people can be very unforgiving. Certainly it sounds like you are very happy with your partner but it also seems that you might be a little naive and perhaps in denial?? Just a bit?

I cetainly wouldn't see you as evil, you'd have to do alot worse to be evil in my book!

expatinscotland · 05/06/2007 13:58

Yes, and someone pointed out, BSB, there's a way to go about splitting up with dignity and respect.

I ended a marriage in such away, because I had respect for my ex husband's feelings.

As for hating you, oh, yes, I'm sure everyone's so jealous of the relationship you have. NOT.

FWIW, I wouldn't want to be 'inseparable' from my husband. It was drive me spare.

It says a lot about you that you feel the need to come on here and justify and defend what you've done to a bunch of strangers.

I mean, like who cares?

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 13:58

oh BSB how many couples do I know like that who have now split up due to an affair - errr - quite a few!

Take off your rose-coloured specs my dear

If tomorrow you discovered your dh was having an affair and then he left you, you would be on here bleating about it, the truth of the matter is that until it is done to you you can have absolutely no idea how devastating and out of the blue it can be, especially when you are convinced that your relationship is inpenetrable as you clearly are.

edam · 05/06/2007 13:58

I'd give up if I were you, BSB. You aren't going to convince everyone that what you did was right because it wasn't and you know it, however much you protest.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 13:59

I think what matters to many is your refusal to acknowledge that you and your DH did anything wrong .. we were innocent victims of lurve .. oh give us a break

Your refusal to build bridges with his family now .. him alone and then you eventually .. is also quite pointed

Actually your ability to post as though you're some Mills & Boon wronged heroine is quite illuminating too

I said it in my very first post, and I'll repeat it again .. grow up

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 05/06/2007 13:59

I suppose in answer to the op's question about why is it always the other women who's villified.

Because if the other woman hadn't played along then the chances are the man would never have left his wife. 99% of the time when a man leaves its because another woman is involved. They very rarely leave because they're not happy. But I don't believe its just the other woman who's villified but the man as well.

edam · 05/06/2007 14:00

(can I have a childish snigger at the idea of an inpenetrable relationship? Strikes me it would be in need of some therapy... )

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 14:00

She wanted a debate and she got one - I think she is holding up quite well

Its nice to discuss something like this without it degenerating into the usual string of abusive swear words.

If someone asked me something like this in conversation I would probably try to wriggle out of discussing it and give them a very wide berth. If they really wanted to discuss it which BSB obviously does they yes I would probably say the same.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 14:00

and your belief that people want to see it happen to you is mistaken .. its just people wouldn't be surprised on a karmic level I suppose

i hope it doesn't because you have a family unit now .. albeit a small one which avoids your child's grandmother .. how incredibly sad is that? poor little boy

Tutter · 05/06/2007 14:01

twig, praps time to Step Away from the thread

get yourself a cup of tea m'darling

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 14:02

but she 'nnoying me

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 14:03

Actually imtheirmum you are right.

I don't mind the criticism, really because people are entitled to their opinion. I know that people on DH's side of the family would be wishing and hoping that our relationship would fail - but it hasn't.

There is not rule that says that DH will be unfaithful to me in the future - but I understand the malicious sentiment inherent in that statement, and the place where it comes from.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 14:03

I'd avoid the subject like the plague in RL TBH. But that's the point of MN - it's mostly anonymous and subjects can be aired more ..erm....energetically .

If you are really hurt by what a bunch of cyber strangers say you shouldn't really have posted that should you?. If you wanted an abstract discussion you could have posted it as such without mentioning specfics.

Tutter · 05/06/2007 14:04

i know

but let someone else pick up the challenge for a while - you're getting yourself all het up

NKF · 05/06/2007 14:04

Exactly OI. So why did you post BSB. What's in it for you?

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