Totally not serious in any way, shape or form thread

[Rhubarb]

I'm getting a bit bogged down by the God threads that have appeared and emotionally distraught by some of the abuse threads, so wanted to create a chill-out thread!

I've had a very tiring day, looking after brother and dd, sorting out builders, organising charity do, placating neighbours re. builders, doing 5 loads of washing after finally being able to plumb in washing machine after 7 weeks due to bloody builders again! Now dh has gone off to play squash, have put dd and db to bed and have just opened a nice cold can of lager! Ahhh, bliss!

I think Mumsnet should have a chill-out zone for all those of us who do not want to get embroiled in a serious discussion, but just need to small talk and CHILL! So c'mon then, give us your best chill-out moments and some totally not serious small talk!

Cam,MMMMmmmm!!!! Your reference to mauve reminded me of a crocheted tunic I had with matching hat made for me by my mother (I am sure my daughter at 13 would
love it today!!)

CAM, when dh and I were travelling back from Cornwall or somewhere we looked at the map and thought Devizes was a suitable halfway stop-off point - when we arrived everything was closed and not a soul in sight - I half expected to see tumbleweed rolling across the road!

Bet you looked the bees knees as a Marc Bolan glitterbabe!

I think it's the only place left in England that still does early closing on Wednesdays and as for Sunday opening, what's that?!When my sister goes to visit my parents she feels quite frightened in "town" as she thinks everyone is staring at her. She does have slightly unusual dress sense but it would be considered quite trendy in most places. If you go in a shop, the locals get served first even if you're in the queue in front of them.

Has anyone ever seen anybody light a fart? I just ask this because I have and thought it was most amusing! Especially when he burnt his arse! I was just thinking about it today as dh had a bit of a wind problem last night and I wondered why it was that men fart more often than women, do we hold it in out of embarrassment? Or do men have to practise for their fart-lighting sessions?

Sorry if this topic gets up people's noses - hah!

Ha, ha Rhubarb lol!!! Only seen it on Graham Norton - v. funny tho'. I know people who have never farted in front of their partners even tho'they've been with them for ages - how uncomfortable must they be!! I think blokes just don't care about farting/belching etc , whereas us women likew to think we're more refined - altho' I'm definately not!

DH seems proud of his wind problems!! What is it with men? Thing is, I can't imagine my father farting, turning to my mother and saying "Get a lungful of that!" Is it a new thing??

Never seen any fart lighting though.

lol

My f-i-l farts all the time, and belches. My dd is now getting to the age where she copies everything. Recently we were in the car when he let out a loud belch - she giggled and said loudly "BURP!" then she repeated it lots of times for maximum effect, much to my embarrassment! But what do you do when your f-i-l belches and farts in front of you? I have been dying to laugh when I observe everyone else pretending that nothing has happened when he has let rip a really loud one. I'm sure he's taking the piss!

LOL SoupDragon. I do remember the lads at school rocking sideways to let one out and saying 'mmm beefy'

I find farting really funny - I can remember getting an ex- boyfriend to pummel my stomach, whilst I had my legs in the air to get some relief. Probably why he's an ex.

My dad used to blame his shoe if he was caught in the act!

My MIL swears blind that she has NEVER farted...

I very rarely belch, all my wind comes out of the other end, which can be very unpleasant for all around if I have been eating certain foods. My DH is even worse and the kids are in practice too.

I have seen the lighted fart trick, but I think you need the forceful ones, the lingering ones that creap out slowly (getting a bit graphic here, sorry) could lead to a burnt bot. Apparently it burns off the noxious gases if you light them so you don't get the same bad smells. Never tried it myself though - imagine going to A & E with burnt bits and singed public hair. How do you explain that one!!!!

There'll be mumsnetters all over the world having a go at that one right now

Dunno about not getting any bad smells from burning farts, when my friend did it there was most definitely a smell of burning bacon! :0 I think he must have had one of those lingering ones so he singed his A somewhat!!!

Another trick I saw was the same friend setting alight another mate's socks whilst he was wearing them! Apparently if they have lots of bobbling on them, the bobbling all burns off but the socks themselves do not burn, so you get quite an impressive flame and a good reaction from the hapless victim, but no burns. Good one to try on dh sometime.

By the way has anyone ever put cling film around the bowl of the toilet? Just wondering if it worked.

God this thread is getting really base isn't it? Tee Hee!

ROFL I'm almost wetting myself here

Haven't done the clingfilm on the toilet thing but I did go to a party once where someone put some dry ice down the toilet. Its the stuff that they use on stage to create the spooky smoke effects. Once it hits water it starts bubbling and pouring smoke/steam out. Just imagine what it is like when hot wee goes on it. I still snigger at the thought. I don't know how you'd go on with an insurance claim if it cracked the bowl though.

Toilet humour is the best sort - everyone has to go there several times a day so I don't know why it is all so taboo.

A litre of bath foam in the toilet cistern is always good for a laugh at parties. Had great fun giggling to myself after trying it out. GOt even funnier as it turned out my brother, sister-in-law and boyfriend had all been doing it too.

Also, my RAF brother tells me that if you separate out the chemicals in a fir extinguisher, putting one lot in the bown and the restin the cistern you get a very impressive amount of foam

Oh, the joys of youth!!

Weren't we all naughty in our younger days? I'm far too boring these days.

Message withdrawn

This is just a bit of animal torture ( not really) but my dh used to put sticky tape on the cat's paws so that she couldn't feel the ground, and she would leap around all over the place. He also used to get great amusement out of putting a sock on her head because she would walk backwards trying to get out of it... very bad man. When my father was a boy, he & his brother used to go around the chicken coop and put all the chickens to sleep - apparently if you tuck their heads under their wings they'll drop off after a while. They also used to toss cats into the nearby lake and watch them swim back, only to do it again. I suspect a lot of kids were at a loose end back in my father's day...

We lived next to a spiritualist chapel and my bro and I used to reach in and pull the loo chain in the middle of the service. Honestly, we did it so often you thought they'd have learnt to close the window!! And our sittingroom was upstairs and on sunny days we used mirrors to reflect the light into houses across the road so we could see inside. Also used to creep through a broken window into the basement of someone's house. It was always a disapointment once we were in, though, as there was nothing inside. Another favourite game was to jump out of the lane beside our house at unsuspecting passers-by. We stopped after one old lady practically had a heart attack in front of us, though.

Liamsmum, most readers will know my feelings about cats from other threads so I loved your tales. When I was a little girl I used to test out the theory that cats always land on their feet by throwing my grandma's cat from various levels of the staircase in her house. Amazingly, you could even drop it upside down from the top of the stairs and it would still flip over and land on its feet. We used to pull the legs off daddy long legs too. The RSPCA would have me locked up for these confessions!

My dh used to burn ants with magnifying glasses, he said all their mates used to come to try and save them so he'd burn them too - sick man! And this is even more evil, apparently if you feed a seagull (or possibly any bird, probably more explosive with a seagull though!) alka selzer it would expode a short time later! I've never seen this done though so I don't know how true it is.

Oh my brother used to run a stick up a slug from it's tail end so that it's insides would come out of its mouth! Sorry, that's probably too gross! Maybe we should stick with toilet humour!

Urgh really gross. I have been known to sizzle slugs with salt though - ever done it?

And what do you call a spider with no legs?

A currant

Groan, pathetic.

My dh told me this, I thought it was really funny! He used to lasoo or superglue a bit of thread to a bluebottle and then he would take it for walks with him! Cruel but funny!

Rhubarb, I must be really evil, I can picture it right now and having a right old giggle. I'm so cruel.