Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

It might look like tumbleweed. They are my kids though. They've gone feral, what with the holidays and all that. No washing or brushing of any description has taken place since the 20th July. The future of Mortificado is wild. How's our Maj and Schadenfreude?

I don't know about 'er Maj, but I'm here. I've been to sunny Beadnell, Riviera of t' North,

Thank Gawd you warned us those were your feral kids - I was just about to set all of these Sasquatch traps I got off e-bay. I though they were breeding again!

I'm not criticising your maternal instincts, or even your mothering skills Pax (God knows I'm in no position to, the degree of neglect I showered on my own little bleeders darlings in summer hols of yore), but can they even see through hair that long and matted? It would explain why I keep having to fish them out of the filter in the moat. Luckily it's been pretty dry lately so there's not much water in there, but they were covered with embryo legfish last week and I had to turn the hose on them (sorry about that) to get the plop off. (It didn't seem very kind to leave it, even when I thought they might be Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) or that the Princess might have been putting it about again.)

Not sure they can see. I feed twice a day. I will recapture and domesticate them in three weeks. Perhaps we catch them before for a hair cut to prevent fish plop in beds? Shudder. You didn't bring plop to Northumberland?!

They still use beds?

I just assumed that they were curling up in a ditch, and wrapping themselves in pine needles or summat of an evening. I swear one of them was eating a raw squirrel this morning . . .

. . . all that was left were a set of incisors and a pair of fluffy, tufted ears . . .

Yes! TUFTED ears!!! It was a RED squirrel - you know - the NICE ones! Not the ones that just look like rats with fancy tails - one of the PRETTY ones . . .

Perhaps if you have them a bag of crisps or something it might reduce predation on the local wildlife.

OH SHIT! They're disembowelling a moose Shoo! Shoo, you little tinkers! That's very, VERY naughty!

Pick those entrails up! NOW!!!!!!!

Oh well - never mind. I daresay Tarquin will finish anything they leave.

I bet you can't wait for the school to re-start. Kids, eh?

What, my disobedient brats darling children eat squirrels?? Do squirrels carry rabies? If not, never mind. Does squirrel fur make nice coats?

I bet Tarquin has been practising the piano and polishing his maths..

No, that was me. I've been wearing the ears, luckily they seemed to accept me as their pet and I've not suffered too much aggression. Not since one pulled my tail off and ran screaming anyway.

Literally drinking both right now

Did health and safety rubber stamp a fire breathing unicorn?

We have stamps? I wouldn't know.

Yes. We do have stamps.

And the only reason we have them is because I have the key and don't let you lot in here willy, or indeed, nilly, just because you want to post a letter.

I've told you before that the stuff isn't there to use - if you use it we'll have none left, and then what would we do?

It's there so we know we-ve got some if we need it .

FBUnicorn - Drinking both what?

And where did you come from? A liaison between a dragon (draco burnus) and a common or garden unicorn (unicornus domesticatus) is rarely a fertile one. Normally it just involves one of them eating the other.Ileave it to your imagination as to which one usually ends up devoured.

Well it took a few days but I'm in! stationary for everyone!! Although these aren't rubber stamps, they're just potatoes. And these aren't postage stamps, they're just bits of post it note cut with edge scissors.

I suppose this isn't ink then, either. Have we finally found the port wine stash?

Ooh I dunno. Try it.

Wha? Did I sleep? It's certainly not ink. We should dilute it.

NOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo!

The stationery cupboard has been violated!

What?!?!?!

Someone has taken my rubber stamps and replaced them with potatoes? And my stamps have been purloined and replaced with bits of sticky notes trimmed with pinking shears and bearing a crude sharpied facsimile of our beloved Monarch?

Only one person in Mortificado has pinking shears - The Royal Vestement Fashioner!

BARRY FROM ACCOUNTS! INEED AN INSURANCE CLAIM FORM AND A BIG KNIFE! I'M FEELING VERY STABBY . . .

VERY STABBY INDEED!!!!

And don't anyone drink or dilute that "ink"- it's an experimental brew that was too potent to leave in the laboratory.

There's Gorgon in it.

I think he's out of the office. Or quit. Whatever, I don't know but he's not answering the door.

Could we freeze the "ink" in ice lolly molds?

Do we have a freezer? I thought we were getting an ice dragon for that. Who's responsible for ordering dragons around here?

anyone home yet?

Kids recaptured, re-tamed, washed, put in uniform and dispatched to school. Phew. Back to gin-sozzled MN life, RL is just too exhausting and sober.

Here Pax - have some of my special the-little-feckers-are-back-to-school-at-last .. It's good stuff.

I was going to order an ice dragon but they're very expensive and Barry in Accounts (or possibly the Cayman Islands by now) wouldn't sign the chitty.

I'm waiting for the pre-Mortificadmas sales.

Hick.

Much better. Don't talk about Mortificadmas, the brood will be off school again, aaargh! We should have all-year-round schools in Mortificado, preferably boarding schools.

I have to agree Pax.

Those feral kids (not just yours, though you can take pride in their leadership skills, imaginative brutality and really original swearwords) have got the behemoth terrified!

Seeing a 3-ton be-scaled monster trembling under the settee is heart-breaking (plus I can't lounge about on it drinking special gin and eating my beetroot-flavoured Russian chocolates my Georgian pen-pal sent me while I binge-watch Spongebob Squarepants The Sopranos.)

Here - have another pint. Get yourself set up for the next clash of wills school break.

This first weekend before you've recovered your strength must be bloody awful for you. I've been there - the scars never fade . . .