Gin and a moat

[paxillin]

Not by one of the Queens this time... But we can drink here.

. Nothing in Mortificado is flammable

I'm fairly sure plebs are flammable. And royalty. I wouldn't want to put that to the test, would you?

I'm going to need to see training certificates and a completed set of mutiny forms, please be sure to fill out all 462 pages and include signatures of everyone involved. When you're done just pop it over there in the blue bin with the little arrows on.

They will give you a practical demonstration of their training if you want. And I am NOT flammable. Remember the last inferno? Only the corgis failed the fire test.

A demonstration won't confirm attendance on an accredited course. You'll need to provide paperwork for the pitchforks and torches too, plus all participants must be wearing appropriate flame proof attire and eye protection. It's all in there

Googled pitchforking. Not even Mortificado will have pitchforking courses for plebs .

Why is the Dragon getting paid?

I'm not getting paid!

Is anyone else getting paid?

I'm not even allowed depleted uranium - I have to put up with plasticine! It's not fair!

And I've nearly finished the last of the Toblerone I brought back from Zurich when I was Pope in Exile.

The dragon is getting paid?

Talk to HR. I'm assuming that's pax what with all the monarch-peasant relations. Although I suppose the princess has a leg up there.

Remember, no legs.

Nobody gets paid. Queenie's "job" came about after she popped to Poundland for a clipboard and a high vis vest and printed out some random regulations. She can claim back her Poundland expenses for pens, paper, clipboard and vest.

Actually Barry is paying me. He's overrun with Legal Work and thinks we need more regulation. Although now that I think about it, who's paying Barry? Do we pay Barry?

Your, ahem, private arrangements with Barry are on your own terms. We do know you like a bit of rough and he is loaded after all. In your role as official clipboarder you remain unpaid, Barry shenanigans are strictly extracurricular. I won't tell daddy, not that he could talk.

Barry is fickle - be warned and he has had more than one assignation with the Princess (allegedly platonic hahahahaha!) .

Ew. Not for all the gin in Mortificado! It is NOT like that. Now if it were his cousin Larry I might feel differently. He's a firefighter you know.

Barry will hump anything bigger than a chicken and not fast enough. including her Maj, evidently

Mind you, Barry might make a lovely Prince consort. He'd need to cover the full sleeve ta'oos. I will buy a purple velvet suit for the wedding. I trust it's morganatic so there won't be any tedious arguments about the paper crown going to me when, ahem, the time comes.

5. No plotting against the queen.

5.a. Ribbing da Queen when she humps commoners is just fine

Oi give my pen back or I'll have you done for treason! Where's the enforcement dragon?!

'Tis the regal pen and I am the fruit of the King's loin so can use it.

No, it's MY pen look! Its declared and everything. And if you want your own pen you'll have to sign for it. Now give it back

Pick the orifice for me to shove it up, your Maj.

You naughty girl. You're supposed to be daddy's floozy new Queen.

I'm not the floozy, the king was dead by the time I showed up. And all that flirting as Chardonnay was just for the crown you pervert. Can't a monarch be single without everyone insinuating things?!

I am the crown then anyway?

Technically your mum's still about and left me in charge so, no.