I don't have big piles.

[QueenMortifauxcado]

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

Vying for the throne are you Jane? Well not on my watch. Clearly our thread is of the finest in the land, maybe you're just not royal enough to see it

Might have a point though, if we sit around much longer we're going to get roped into babysitting.

FlappysMammy there are some plastic munnies in the post to you as we speak, I trust this will speed up progress of your fajita delivery business. By the way, it was sent by carrier hen so don't hold your breath, something about a shortage of eagles? Anyway I'm sure it'll turn up.

I'm sure your fajitas will, too.

I am reluctant to criticise the Ruler of The Green and Pleasant Land of Mortificado, but can I point out that it a minor embarrassment having the only world currency that is made of plastic.

Here in Zurich the bankers find it hilarious. (There is invariably raised eyebrow and the tiniest twitch of the corner of a mouth - just the one corner. This is the equivalent of laughing uproariously to the point of cardiac arrest anywhere else in the world. Except Finland, obviously.)

Ok ... I need to come clean here.

The harpies aren't my children, but I did feel responsible for them.

There's a chance - a tiny tiny chance - that I opened a hellmouth in my bedroom back when I contacted Zeus about child payments (sadly not a euphemism).

I mention this only because as of this morning, four men on horseback appeared out of nowhere and rode out of the window. You can't miss them if you see them, they're the ones on massive fire horses with scythes.

Phew! Glad that's off my chest.

Anyone know how to close a portal to another dimension?

Oh also - vampires. Sorry about that.

Queen - did you mention babysitting?

Babysitting a hellmouth, Princess are you joking? go hire a nanny.

FlappysMammy jokes on them, plastic munny prototypes are selling for THREE times their worth at local auction. Our Queendom will be restored in no time.

Now, listen up, I've been hearing rumours about a quest to reclaim the gnome kingqueendom of verificado from some dragon. Does anyone know anything about this? I mean I quite fancy a gnomedom on the charter but I was told this by some sort of wizard with breath that smelt like bat droppings. Mighty fine booze in the local taverns I must say Brewer. Anyway he said he was a wizard. And from Maui. Kept ranting about a ring, must have been an awful breakup. Someone be a dear and look into this.

FlappysMammy - dragons of course continue to only use gold. Flappy will inevitably melt his plastic munny when he starts getting up to full operating temperature in adolescence, so I'm sending him some gold - that should be a lot more respectable in Switzerland too. Brewer will bring it over when he's sobered up (he needs to moderate his dedication to quality control TBH).

FauxQueen - you could just try inviting that dragon over for a party. He's probably lonely. Are you sure it's a gnomedom , I thought it was dwarves - and FYI, it's even harder to tell the sex of those than dragons, so use of either 'kingdom' or 'queendom' runs the risk of misgendering, and doing that to a whole flipping monarchical state will surely get you banished.

Why, do you know this dragon of which he spoke? What if the dwarves takeover the gnomedom whilst we're all sat around blind drunk and hallucinating from Brewer's latest concoction.

Ahem, don't think I'm quite recovered from the last batch.

Oh god. Why is my warehouse empty?

Where did I take it?

Or did I drink it?

I can't - my head is - I'm so ....

Oh god.

And why's that man down there clutching a bit of gold and whispering to it? HOLY FUCK DID HE JUST DISAPPEAR?

What's going on?

#hangoverfromhell

Hum. I knew brewing and distilling would be popular with the locals but I hadn't realised you'd feel obliged to sample all your products. I should have realised that you wouldn't do things by halves.

Maybe I should have suggested you opened a naice teashop? That's what this place needs, TBH - less alcohol, more scones.

Flappy really enjoys a Chamois hoof and Mousedropping scone with Bat jam. If you can provide these (also Rat and banana), well be delighted to frequent your Teashoppe (I won't even charge a small fee, but if I could leave some flyers for your customers, advertising my services asa painter anddecoratoe, I'd appreciate it. Ta.)

Dragon Thank you for the gold - Flappy's MortificadoMunny was already starting to ooze out of the coin slot in the Batty Bank, and he was a little upset, as he likes Munny (the words, apple, fall, and tree, spring to mind). The Bankers have shown us new respect too, and have been arriving with complimentary baskets of Toblerone and free illuminated cuckoo clocks, and telling Flappy what a fine figure of a young dragon he is and patting him heartily on the wings! It's quite creepy, actually. If I didn't know their obsession with everything monetary I would be concerned that they were predatory drakenophiles trying to take advantage of his innocence. As it is, I've told him "Just say NO!" if they suggest anything he is uncomfortable with, such as signing legal papers or handing over the key to his gold store (it is very tiny at the moment - just the two golds you sent, but he is thrilled with it, as you can imagine.)

*painter and decorator, not painter anddecoratoe - you bugger! autocorrect

I also forget to mention that my rates are very competitive - Chapel Ceilings a specialty.

Melting munny? I have a cunning plan... we'll convince the gnomedom to join our charter so they can use our new DRAGON DETERRENT munny. If a dragon tries to claim the gnomedom the munny will simply melt and off he/she/ze'll fly, dragon crisis averted!

And the gnomes would be left with a pool of melted plastic which would not be redeemable at the Bank of Mortificado ... oh yes, very cunning. Especially if they have had to buy the munny from the Bank with actual gold... very cunning.

I say, what a good plan!

Before you convert my inheritance into melted centaur though - what if (theoretically of course) someone had released several ice dragons from a hellmouth to track down the four horsemen of the apocalypse ... Could that ruin the "everything on fire" plan?

(Also it's blinking cold up here, can we please put the heating on already? I know Daddy doesn't like to waste money on a big airy castle but as I said ... Ice dragons )

Ice dragons? Oh, hi cousin Frosty, look could you be a good chap and go and deal with those horsemen? Then we can catch up on old times, but best you don't stay too long, else the humans will be asking me to shoo you away. And well, you know how having me breathing down your neck makes you embarrassingly slushy, we wouldn't want that.

If everyone could whisper I'd be very grateful ... and stop mentioning food and tea and ... oh no not again

Helllooooooo?
Where is everyone??

What's all that noise?! And where's all the booze?!

FYI I just tried to run a bath to thaw out and the taps are running red with wine. Or blood. I'm not really sure given brewer's experiments but I drank it just in case

If anyone wakes that bloody Harpy up, as Mortificado

God is my witness they will regret it!

Dn't know how the ended up there!

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

AGGGGHHH

....

...

...

AGGGGGHHHHHHHH

SQUAWKKKK

You had to say it.

Has ANYONE seen the executioner?

OH MY GOSH someone's finally here I was SO BORED. Mum croaked and I know we're supposed to be secret and all but OMG the house got repossessed and so I thought I'd come and meet daddy. ARE YOU MY SISTER?!!!!!!!!1