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I don't have big piles.

998 replies

QueenMortifauxcado · 29/11/2016 21:26

Which is mightily impressive for sitting on a throne all day and existing primarily on carbs (and the odd avocado), isn't it?

Anyone else got an arse of steel?

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QueenMortifauxcado · 29/11/2016 23:59

Suits you Prince Wine

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paxillin · 30/11/2016 00:45

I've read that Napoleon suffered from piles during the battle of Waterloo.

PopeMortificado · 30/11/2016 10:19

What by heavens happened?

One minute I was off having beauty treatments preparing myself to perform a Royal Wedding. The next thing I know the Peasant Bride has been executed, the Thread of Mortificado is closed and everyone is going on about having/not having big piles.

Is that big piles of munny?

(I've brought the Vatican Wine Cellars with me by the way. They travel wherever I go)

BrewerDragonofMortificado · 30/11/2016 10:31

Interesting tidbit of the day: I've heard that the Vatican wine cellars are infested with rats.

Incidentally, three kegs for two today from DragonsBrew! All currencies accepted Dragon$€£

PrincessMortificado · 30/11/2016 10:34

Pope, thank goodness. We'll need a formal christening. You do harpies, yes?

(Also perhaps we could keep it between ourselves? The judgmental oiks on this thread 2kids would just love to blame this one on me).

UnbornMortificado · 30/11/2016 10:40

Grin can't believe this is still all going on.

I've yet too nc back I quite like this name.

FuckYouDailyMail · 30/11/2016 10:43

Brilliant an in joke I actually get!

I'm even willing to change my user name in the hope those DM twats do actually publish this!

BabyHarpyOfMortificado · 30/11/2016 10:47

Squawk!

PrincessMortificado · 30/11/2016 10:48

No no no! Back inside! Shit!

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 11:49

You do need to get a distillers licence btw, but I'm sure 2kids can provide one for a small fee.

I hope that's not sarcasm! ()

But as it happens, BrewerDragon . . . . () . . . just as soon as the cheque clears, this is yours.

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 11:51

Where the hell have those Harpies come from?

Oh hang on - let me guess . . . Angry

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 11:52

However in the interests of my fat offshore account saving souls, I am prepared to christen Harpies.

Though I will have to ask for a small fee.

BabyHarpyOfMortificado · 30/11/2016 11:56
PrincessMortificado · 30/11/2016 11:57

Oh good boy. There's mummy's treasure!

Indoors though, indoors!

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 12:40

Remember that "treasure" can end up getting buried Princess.

Just sayin'

TheMortificadosDragon · 30/11/2016 13:27

It was inevitable that there would be harpies at some point. Don't worry, princess, when they're fledged I expect I can give them some flying lessons. Don't ask BrewerDragon, the kid uses jet propulsion rather than conventional method. (light dawns as to who the real father is ... Errol Hmm)

BTW, brewer... it occurs to me that I never know whether to address you as 'he' or 'she'. I'm all in favour of gender-neutral childrearing but maybe I've been a bit overscrupulous. Confused

BrewerDragonOfMortificado · 30/11/2016 14:52

You don't know? I've been meaning to ask you! How does a dragon tell these things?

By the way, product recall:

Prince, I'm afraid all the sloe gin you bought yesterday needs to be returned. It turns out the things inside were bat droppings.

The bats are no longer a problem.

I am willing to give you a partial refund and a voucher for your next purchase.

!!!!! Christmas special: 18 bottles of mulled wine for the price of 17 plus another 1 plus VAT. No bat droppings, guaranteed! Dragon £$€ !!!!!

(Am I doing this right?)

QueenMortifauxcado · 30/11/2016 14:58

It's just occurred to me 2kids that if one were looking to procure an amulet there is one person to whom one would pay a small fee. Not small enough for poor flappy, one would assume?

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QueenMortifauxcado · 30/11/2016 15:09

Brewer, in honour of post 69 please send over 69 bottles of your finest cheapest booze.

Also, I've had an idea for getting rid of these centaur corpses new munny. We'll make it out of brightly coloured plastic and everyone will be so enthralled by it's beauty they'll pay twice as much!

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PrincessMortificado · 30/11/2016 15:47

Holy shit, holy shit, how do you stop a newborn harpy from crying?

She's literally killing me. My soul keeps floating towards the underworld, it's all I can do to stop the others eating me too.

I've tried a sling and feeding to sleep but nothing works I swear!

Could it be colic?

BabyHarpyOfMortificado · 30/11/2016 16:45

RELENTLESS AND UNENDING SCREAMING

paxillin · 30/11/2016 17:06

Jeez, am I Mortificado's only wage slave at the moment? I can't follow the action. Might just have some of the batshit gin.

BrewerDragonOfMortificado · 30/11/2016 17:09

No no, you mustn't!

It ... might not just be bat droppings.

Blush
2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 17:09

It's just occurred to me 2kids that if one were looking to procure an amulet there is one person to whom one would pay a small fee.

You get them from Amazon.

Or possibly THE Amazon.

Flappy has a catalogue. There are pictures, a size guide, customer reviews and all that stuff.

AND I'm not sure that I like the implication in your comment. I love Flappy as much as if he were my own claw and scale. I have worked my fingers to the bone, up a ladder evening after evening with a broom, knocking down bats (his favourite) to make jam. I skin and bone all of the chamois we catch (I have a chamois table in the back Alp - they come to feed and we hit them with a Toblerone) by hand. As you doubtless know, chamois bones are very dangerous for small dragons, as they can stick in their throat and put their fires out.

I buy him only the very best scale polish, and buff up his talons twice a day, and rub saddle soap into his leathery wings to keep them strong and supple. He means the WORLD to me ().

The small fee domestic contribution I charge request is just so that he learns the value of Munny, and will be able to budget sensibly when the time comes for him to stand on his own four feet.

I'm not spending it on myself - it goes into a bank account in his number. At least most , some , a bit of it does.

Look - it's an important life-lesson, right! Who are you to judge me??? Do you want to make something of it???

Outside - now! ()

2kids2dogsnosense · 30/11/2016 17:11

AND SHUT THAT BLOODY HARPY UP, IN THE NAME OF CHRISTMORTIFICADO!!!