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Original poster

If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

442 replies

jeangenie · 13/12/2006 10:55

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

OP posts:
kittyschristmascrackers · 15/12/2006 19:44

B&WC you benefit from the fact there are SAHMS.
I think you would find that society would be very different for many reasons if every woman had paid work.
Have you ever considered that it is BECAUSE there are woman who do unpaid work that you can be in the position that you are?

Original poster
jeangenie · 15/12/2006 20:09

I'm kind of staying out of this as it's all a bit heated.I can never understand why we all have to pop at each other, but there you go.

Just wanted to say to Berolina - you aren't alone - your posts rang bells with me to a huge extent. I feel pulled apart too, hate leaving in the mornings, hate thinking of someone else at home with my DDs. But I work, cos we need the money, and for a couple of other reasons that I am not going to go into. I am torn though, and I really empathise with where you are coming from when you say you feel like a sah and a woh mum. Hey, maybe this is the best way.......

OP posts:
santasweetdreamer · 15/12/2006 20:21

personally I feel me being at home has been better for the kids than for me

it can be lonely, isolating, not to mention years of financial struggles.......

but I just couldn't leave them with anyone else, it's not a question for me, it's the one thing I'm always sure about

but as I said I don't think it's totally done me the world of good........

blackandwhitecat · 15/12/2006 20:34

'B&WC you benefit from the fact there are SAHMS.'

How exactly?

'Have you ever considered that it is BECAUSE there are woman who do unpaid work that you can be in the position that you are?'

Erm, no. What am I missing? I am in the position I am because I had brilliant parents who worked hard to raise me and my sister (and as teachers funnily enough) and I worked hard to go to university, do my teacher training. Met a wonderful man who is also a teacher and we both planned and saved money so we could have children. Had maternity leave and went back to work part-time. Other WOHMs looked after my children in nursery. My colleagues are mostly WOHMs, my students' parents are mostly WOHMs (and as many of them or more as SAHMs still seem able to support their kids by coming to parents evenings, helpign with hwk etc) How exactly have I benefited from SAHMs?

'please dont lecture people on contributing to society as if you have all the answers.'

I'm not lecturing people. I never pretended to have had all the answers. I have said explicitly many times that I was just expressing my opinion. There are some people who feel that everybody should aspire to be millionaires, there are other people who think nobody should work for a living and we should all live in communes. My dp's family are all heavily into the guiding movement and think we should be spending all our time doing that. Other people believe everyone should be into dancing or music or whatever. If any one of these people told me their opinions on dancing, or being a millionaire I wouldn't be offended. I wouldn't feel the need to attack them. I wouldn't think they were lecturing me. I wouldn't feel the need to defend myself or explain why I'm not into dancing, or being a millionaire or anything else.

As I've said many times if you're a SAHM and happy that's great. I'm happy for you and if you are happy with your situation then why the hell do you care what I or anyone else thinks anyway? If you feel the need to defend yourself or attack me then that really says more about you than anyything I've said.

The whole 'contributing to society' thing was a digression anyway. I started off by saying that being a SAHM is a brilliant choice if it is a choice and you are happy with it. I certainly couldn't do it full-time. But it's important to think of the long-term consequences of this for your own and your family's sake.

blackandwhitecat · 15/12/2006 20:42

And thinking about it all of the people who have helped me have been WOHMs (and dads) from my own parents to the midwives who delivered my kids to my own teachers and professors to my best friends and colleagues to my lollipop lady and my dds' lollipop lady and actually my GP. Need I go on? But then that all makes sense because where would I ever have come across SAHMs?? Nowhere because unless they do voluntary work etc etc they are at home with or without their kids and not doing paid work in the community. Obviously this is just my experience which I'm just expressing so no need to go on the defensive.

daisy1999 · 15/12/2006 20:46

to answer the original question - yes I am happy with my decision to stay at home.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 15/12/2006 20:46

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Rantaclaus · 15/12/2006 20:49

I think, that unlike many (but not all)men, women constantly feel torn about the role that they should be playing in their families and in society. If I leave my children with someone else am I failing them? If I don't work outside the home am I failing to contribute in the world? Will I regret not spending more time with my children when I am old, or will I look back and wish I had furthered my own interests and career and let my children become a bit more independent? If my children take the wrong path in life is it my fault for not being there as much? Do I overindulge my children or place too many expectations on them? Am I a pushy mother? Do I not push them enough?.......The list goes on and on and on...

I think it is because we know that being a mother to our children is the most challenging and demanding and emotionally invested thing that we do, whether we go out to work or not. I think that you need to find the solution that works for your family (bearing in mind that we all need to live off of money some how or other), and accept that the choice that you are making is the best one that you can make in your own circumstances - and you need to remember too that a happy, relatively contented mother (no life is perfect!)makes for a happier family. I really hope that you can find an alternative that works for you Jeangenie.

drosophila · 15/12/2006 20:52

OK i think these are the things you need to consider:

SAHM

Positives

See the kids more.
Less rushing.
I imagine better for your health as less stressful.
Don't have to deal with tossers and be polite all day.
Bugger all travel.

Negatives
Isolating.
Depressing.
Dependant on DP or DH.
Not sure who you are what your identity is.
Don't get time off for lunch.
Judged.

WOHM

Positives

A different space for your head.
More adult conversation.
Get to dress up and wear make up.
Still recognise yourself.
Money- independence.
Future security.
Role model for girls.

Negatives

Too stressful rushing everywhere.
Continuing to do lion's share of domestics
Judged.
A level of tiredness that is beyond description.
Midlife crisis kinda feelings (what does all this crap matter anyway).
See less of kids.

drosophila · 15/12/2006 20:53

I've done both btw

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 15/12/2006 20:54

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drosophila · 15/12/2006 20:55

Guess it depends on what you would like for your girls.

daisy1999 · 15/12/2006 20:56

The problem is that women have been sold the idea that we can "have it all", work, a family, etc. but in reality it has meant that women "do it all". We have been give extra pressure, work and guilt. Today a working mother does everything her mother used to do plus holds down a full time job. Women feel guilty whichever path they take. I think the answer is to make a decision that is best for you and your family and don't feel you have to justify it to anyone else.

drosophila · 15/12/2006 20:56

You know like how they say one of the good thing about single sex schools is that the girls see women in positions of authority and achieving academic success.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 15/12/2006 20:58

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drosophila · 15/12/2006 20:59

Daisy I agree. I truly believe there is no straight forward answer. Some people have no doubt about what to do and they are lucky regardless of what they choose but for many you feel damned if you do damned if you don't.

drosophila · 15/12/2006 21:00

I think PT work is particularily good as it shows girls two different roles a woman can do.

shepherdswatchedtheirfLOCKETS · 15/12/2006 21:01

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Rantaclaus · 15/12/2006 21:01

I personally don't care about what you think B&Wcat, not on a personal level. But I tend to take other peoples opinions seriously, which is why I entered into a debate with you - my own opinion differs slightly. I like to be open minded about fellow human beings and their motivations including women who work outside the home and pay for childcare and those who stay at home and do it themselves (unpaid or financed by a spouse) - both valid choices in my opinion. As a slightly facetious aside I'll add that I would like to think that anyone who might educate my child would be open-minded too. But you have decided what is what and are sticking to it. That is your right, as you have made very clear and that is fine. But it seems that you are the one that is a little exacerbated that not everyone agrees...

dingdonglapinroseonhigh · 15/12/2006 21:12

what a shame that a perfectly reasonable question has turned into yet another rant/argument session

Rantaclaus · 15/12/2006 21:18

Sorry, I don't want to sound like I am ranting or arguing, just having a healthy debate - I certainly meant for most of my earlier contributions to be directed at answering the OP's orginal question!

dingdonglapinroseonhigh · 15/12/2006 21:27

not particularly aimed at you, just feel sorry for OP who seems to have been put off returning to her own thread

EllieHsMum · 15/12/2006 21:30

OMG think I'll stay away from this one[fshock}

Rumpel · 15/12/2006 21:42

I gave up work in June, when pregnant with my first. She is 10 weeks old now and I am loving it. Always said I would be a SAHM when kids arrived, until they go to school anyway. Loved my job but have waited a long time to be a Mum and want to enjoy it. TBH I could keep my hand in a few hours a week if I wanted to, in the future due to the type of work I do anyway. Lets face it the more money you make the more you spend anyway, however, I do understand that some folk have no choice but to work.

Original poster
jeangenie · 15/12/2006 21:43

don't feel sorry for me , I've had great advice (thank you all) and heard lots of different opinions, some of which have made me think, others of which have made me groan

it's been informative

I'm still unsure what I'll end up doing

lots of sahm seem deliriously happy, some more tempered, lot sof wohm the same. Some more militant than others on both sides

whatever I do I'll be somehwere in the middle, thinking both sides have some things easy, some things hard

I appreciate it's a heated subject, just wasn't aware quite how heated it could all become

anyway, I really do appreciate the time and effort many of you have put into trying to help and sharing your experiences

I am now officially in "mulling it all over" mode

OP posts: