If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

to JeanJeanie,

i have not had time to read all thread but will give you an example of my experience - after ds1 i returned part time and then full time when he was 3 that was the right decsion for me - even though after childcare costs we were not well off financially - ds1 gained alot from nursery and the arrangement suited him and my lifestyles at that point in time.

after ds2 i was offered vol redun so i could became sahm - we can afford it though have to be careful - i don't regret it - but have found it and still do find it very difficult as i live far away from a support network and have unsuccessfully tried M&T group. Being 12 hours a day with a toddler with no adult interaction can be very tiring. and i long for the time he goes to preschool for a couple of hours a day

So i have now adjusted to working a couple of evenings so i get my time.

On reflection i would not change either decision

thanks SS

a lot of people seem to find that the p/t thing works well for them. I suspect I will be one of that group. Am glad you've found a workable solution

Apart from anything, we'd find it VERY hard to do more than the basic survival on my DH's salary, so I am starting to reconcile to the fact that I do have to work. And tbh that might be best for me anyway. Am glad I don't have to do it full time though, and will try to redce my hours somewhat I think...

blackandwhitecat - how is it possible that your children's school is 10 mins away from your school, yet you still are at the school gates every day?

I am genuinely fascinated that you say as a teacher you only work school hours - I used to be a teacher and me and all my colleagues worked far FAR more than school hours - and okay you can do marking etc. at night but what about endless meetings...

Another point, I don't know about other schools, but my daughter's primary school would be a much poorer place without SAHMs coming in to help out with reading, sorting etc.

I'm a SAHM and I think it is a job, like a childminder or nanny but for your own children (and without a lunchbreak ).
I don't think being a SAHM/WOHM makes you a better or worse parent because parenting in itself isn't a job.
Can I also suggest that clinical psychologists, or what have you, are more likely to encounter unhappy SAHMs in their work than happy ones? You're not going to have so much time to meet happy ones if you are at work full time as happy, contented people don't tend to seek that kind of professional help.

I work part-time school hours. I drive to work arriving at 8.15 am. Dds and I walk over to school by 8.45. I'm back at work by 9 am. I finish teaching at 2.30 and have a little time to get my stuff together before picking up dds at 3.15 pm. Sometimes it makews me cross that dp works pretty much these hours (9 am - 3 pm and 2.30 pm on Fridays) but gets paid a full-time wage where I get paid for the equivalent of a 4 day week. But he works in special education at secondary level and I work in 6th form education. Neither of us would swap. My workplace has been good about accommodating my unusual hours. But then again both our Vice-Princiapls are WAHMs as is the head of personnel and my work is very keen on honorouing the legal requirement to provide flexible hours for its employees. Every mum in my dept works part-time hours. No other WOHMS work these hours at my place as far as I know. Instead some of my WOHM colleagues choose to work 4 days and get all their prep and houseowork done on their day off. There are many 1000s of women and men who work around school hours like me. My best friend andd her dp run a business and she works 3 days, he works 4 days and her children go to nursery 1 day. My next door neighbour was a dinner lady while her kids were in school. TBH I know very few SAHMs and very few full-time WOHMs. As I have said it is a relatively small and often privileged minority of often middle-class women who are able to take a career break short or long term to stay at home to look after kids or an unfortunate minority who has no choice but to stay at home.

Claus, where exactly have I not been open minded? Where exactly have I said I am right and others are wrong? Where exactly have I lectured others? I have said many times that I respect SAHMs. I may have made the decision to be a SAHM while my dds were pre-school myself if I had had a network of friends with children and family who could have supported me, could have driven a car and didn't have a job I loved and didn't want to lose etc etc. I have said many times that if you are happy with your lifestyle then that is fine and I'm happy for you. Posts on this thread and others and SAHMs i have met in RL confirm what I thought which is that some SAHMs are happy with their life, some aren't, some have been while their kids were young and are now itching to get back to work, some are worried about money, some are worried about long-term effects et etc.

I have questioned the contribution that SAHMs make to society and manage to be better parents during the hours that their kids are in school unless they do volunteer work etc etc and tbh nobody here has really enlightened me. Kittysomething said those hours that her kids were at school gave her time to concentrate on her kids and obviously she feels she needs that. Fine. I don't feel the same need (to have hours to myself to think about my kids while they're not there I mean). I do think about my kids while I'm working and I spend as much time as possible with them when they're not in school. In fact, it would not be possible for me to spend more time with them if I was at home because they wouldn't be. But if anyone has any ways to enlightend me about how they are contributing to their parenting life or society as a whole during the hours that their kids are at school I remain open minded.

I recognize that I am lucky. I have a good job which allows me to work flexibly. More important than that I have a good dp who is also a teacher working school hours. He is as important a parent as I am. So my kids live in a family with 2 incomes and 2 parents who are there for them during every minute they are not in school. Having said that I am lucky, I did not fall into teaching by accident. I have always wanted to contribute to society in a visible way. I have always wanted to have my own children. My way is not the 'right' way for everyone but it is right for me. Neither is it easy. I work very hard as a teacher and as a parent. OFten I have to literally run to school to be on time to pick up dds, sometimes I work late into the night marking when the children have gone to bed. But I personally find my life as a WOHM easier than I would as a SOHM because for ME the rewards outweigh the hardships.

If you read through my posts you will see that more than once I have said everytone has to find what works best for them and agreed with Issymum that there is no one size fits all. How is this not open-minded?

I could get offended by certain people mis-reading my comments but why would I? I don't even know you! However, it does make me think that there are certain SAHMs and it is a minority (even on this thread because many others have been very honest and genuine about their motivations and the disadvantages and advantages of their life-style without attacking others) who automatically assume that a WOHM who contributes to this debate is attacking them. Maybe that's because they're used to being attacked, maybe it's because they feel insecure about their own position (some of you obviously feel the need to defend yourselves). I really don't know. I remain open-minded.

By the way, there are other ways in which my workplace tries (and doesn't always succeed) in trying to accommodate FAMILY life (note family life because dads are important as are mums in my view as important) such as timetabling meetings one morning each week so they don't drag on after college. In my view all workplaces should try to do more for families (Mums AND DADS) and that would be more productive than having mums attack other mums which is frankly a bit weird and not what I am about.

blackandwhitecat - vg post. your situation soubds ideal. as u said 'you didnt fall into teaching by accident! sometimes we hve to make our own situations possible.

more importantly, round of applause for such a legible adn readable post this hour of the morning!!!

Thanks Dab. Right, I'd better get back to my kids because at this precise moment I'm happy to admit I'm not being a great mum. DP is lying in (we take it in turns to get up with the dds who are still early risers 6.20 this morning) and the dds are running up and down in a bid to get him to come downstairs!

SAHM who do nothing actually do amke a contrubution to society- if all mothers went back to work the Health Clubs and Coffee shops of Surrey would be empty !

So they are creating jobs for others in the service industty Joke before anyone jumps on me....

Very B&WC that you can have a job so close to your children and hours that accomodate - very rare to have both and your Dp doing the same ! Count yourself lucky . many have train journeys and longer hours to contend with and school holidays to work and childcare to think of during school holidays.

mummydear - you may think that you're joking, but what you say is true - add to that hairdressers, masseurs, nail technicians, any kind of shops, personal trainers, bus drivers, cinemas, museums etc etc - they all need daytime customers and SAHMS must be a big contribution to their customer-base.

wish I could afford to get my nails done! and a massage would be great too.

and my hairdresser is a working mum, who only works during school hours

iota - you are right thought that SAHMs do make a contribution to society, be it voluntary work, PTA work, and of course, doing the important job of child raising.

I worked full time before becoming a SAHM, and at some point plan to work again.

ah Belgo - twas not me who made those claims- I'm just a rampant consumer, who provides work for all those service industries ( esp the coffeee shops and gyms)

oh gawd , now I'd better mention all my worhty PTA activities in case you think I'm seriously a drain on society instead of a contributer

In between PTA and parent helper at the school I do frequent the coffee shops , not the health clubs though cant afford them !

Blimey haven't had my nails done since I stopped work - couldn't justify the expense !

Anyway have to go soon , DH is working today ( not all of us can have regular hours ) and the boys have to go to football , wher I will watch and drink coffee. A contribution there I feel as I may be helping future Englamd players who will have wives that spend spend spoend and do nothing all day ...on no here we go again !

Yeah, but I would consider myself to have suceeded if I raised boys who were rich and sucessful enough to have wives who did nothing all day.

That's in all seriousness.

So you go to the football!!!!! And enjoy the coffee

BWC you are very lucky with the arrangements you have, but I have to say that all of the working mothers I know with children in primary school would really struggle to work if their own parents or in-laws weren't available to help.

Interesting point about contributing to society etc. I work three days and I struggle to see any meaning it. I suppose I am earning and spending which helps the economy but the actual job I do whilst my colleagues think it is crucial to the smooth running of the country (government job) I have difficulty seeing it's value.

It's not that I crave to be with my kids and resent being in the office I just can't seem to get enthusiastic. I think it's the sheer tiredness that gets to me. Leave the house at 06.30 and return after 18.00.

On the role model point. Do you think that if girls see their Mums always in the Mum role (for say 10-15 years) it has an influence on what they see for themselves when they leave school?

Drosophilia, I suspect it makes little difference what children see their mothers do. The is such freedom and choice nowadays that girls have many more female role models than ever before.
I do find it such a sorry notion that somehow to want to model yourself on your sahm is somehow second best. I fmy girls want to stay at home with their children i would feel pleased that my own mothering of them had allowed them to appreciate what a very, very important and worthy job it is.

I think what has the most effect is whether your parents were happy, not whether they worked.

SoD - you talk a lot of sense

(just had to say it)

B&Wcat - I am back .

I appreciate that you have not suggested that people shouldn't do whatever makes them happy. What I disagree with is that you have stated that SAHMs whose children are at school do not contribute anything to society. I am not offended by this myself(afterall my ds is only 22 mths and I DO intend to return to work once he can go to nursery). However, I think that your view on this issue is a little naive. For instance, when dh was growing up his father worked very long hours when he was at home, although often he was away from home for WEEKS on end while ds and his sister were growing up. He did this because of the industry he was in and because he enjoyed it - he made a good income for his family and paid the appropriate taxes for it. DH's mother stayed at home (she did work periodically, but not throughout all of her children's schooling) because she felt that in the circumstances it benefitted her children to have her available when their father frequently was not, at all. The family also moved around alot for his job so it was not like it was easy for her to settle into a job over a period of years. She was happy with this arrangement, not because she was lazy but because she loved her husband and her children and wanted them to be able to stay together more than she wanted a career. Don't get me wrong, my MIL and I have MANY differences, in our outlook in life and our ambitions for ourselves, but I totally respect the sacrifices that she made for her family and I recognise that the stable home that she created for her family despite all of the moving and all of the absences of her husband was an enormous contribution to society because she sent two very stable, ambitious, educated and motivated people into the world.

I think it is admirable that you and your husband have found a way to incorporate work and family very successfully, but there are actually not THAT many industries where that set up is possible - and we can't all be teachers or the economy would definitely collapse!

When I wanted to return to teaching after dd1 and asked about part time work I was told that I obviously wasn't committed enough to my profession if I wasn't willing to give it my all.

This was by a female head of department.

b&w cat, you are exceptionally lucky with your work set-up.