If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

I didn't, I said I make a better mother because I can concentrate on that. I know it's not a particularly popular stance but it's what I feel.

kitty: If you had said 'I, kitty, make a better mother etc.', I wouldn't have taken offence. But you didn't - you generalised to 'mothers who work'.

Greeny (it's FIT btw), I absolutely agree with you on that point - load of nonsense IMHO to suggest that sahms don't, by virtue of sah, contribute to society.

Everyone has the right to make the choice to either be a SAHM or work, unfortunately sometimes due to finances some women dont have that choice.

I dont have an issue with working mums I respect their decsion to work and hope they respect mine. what I do find insulting is the fact that I am not seen to be making a contribution to society . I think that is what the issue is here.

Eggnog put it well by saying that SAHM are the invisble glue inside society.

I agree with Greeny, I am annoyed with many of b&wc's posts and her angle that those who stay at home are not contributing as those who work. It is not my intention to insult or upset anyone here and I am sorry if anyone feels that way.

mummydear - how about just 'mothers' on that, rather than 'SAHM'? Then I'd get closer to agreeing. FWIW I parent ds and work and sit up in the night translating to earn extra money and do voluntary work. dh will probably never earn enough for me to be able to sah entirely, and tbh it does make me sad, but I'm f*cked if I'm going to destroy my marriage with resentment about it, as my mother did to hers.

(kitty - I resent my mother not for working, but for harbouring such enormous, open and aggressive resentment towards my father because he didn't, in her eyes (not objectively), earn 'enough').

kitty, I do think your posts might be construed as hurtful by mums who have to work and are already feeling bad about having to be away from their children when they would love to have the option of spending all their time with them. I am grateful that I don't have to do paid work at the moment (although that could change!). I am able to have this precious time with my children while they are little. Do consider how it must feel not to be able to have that and how you would feel if someone suggested that you were depriving your children because of it.

And I really am going to leave this alone now, because it is upsetting me too much - daft, when I have been round this argument so many times before with the same posters.

That's true Greeny, as I said , that was not my intention.

Blackandwhitecat, I understand your point of view, and I think that when I get to school age I will probably want to work again. However, I really do not think that I have any platform of superiority from which I can fully understand others peoples lives/motivations/complications and judge them because they prioritise things differently to me (ie go back to work when baby is 4 mths old, or never go back at all). It is stupid to say that if all working mothers gave up work the economy would collapse - yes it probably would, but equally if every single SAHM decided to be a teacher or doctor or lawyer, you might very well find yourself out of work and not by choice. (That is the way capitalism tends to work - there is always someone better than you and if you increase competition you might come out of it worse, rather than better off) In my situation dh was always on a much higher salary than me because of the industry he wanted to work in. It makes financial sense for him to be the one to work although I am sure that at times he would like to be the one at home with ds - he is a great working dad though. In the meantime, I file all of our tax returns, pay our bills, do all of our shopping, maintain all of our correspondance, organise all of our finances, wipe bottoms, cook meals from scratch, play with ds, do lots of inane housewifey cleaning/baking type stuff for family and friends, visit and care for my very elderly grandmother so that the state doesn't need to pay for her to go into sheltered housing, I belong to a volunteer organisation in the local community that helps low income families, I take my son to several toddler classes, I babysit other parents children, I exercise daily and take our dog for walks with ds in all weather. i am quite busy and I contribute to our community for FREE - looking out for elderly neighbours, doing their shopping. I am not a particularly worthy person. Most of the other SAHM with whom I am friendly lead different but equally busy lives. I HAVE worked for money in the past and I will in again in the future, but it is ignorant to think that that is the only thing that contributes to a successful society.

What i just dont understand is that anyone could say it is better to be one or the other. every situation is completely different. it is just thick to think any other way. some people make good SAHM and rotten working mothers and vice versa. some of us have to stay at home, others have to work, some of us have the choice. to say one or the other is better 'for the kids' is ridiculous. all children are different, all mothers are different, all families are different. arguing that your own choice is somehow better or more valid is strange. How can anyone know what is like to be in another's situation? i dont judge my working friends and i hope they dont judge me. we respect each other's choices as we understand we are not clones and there is more than one way of doing things.

rantaclaus- well said

'when ds is asleep i study spanish. today i spent a lot of time on the phone as a friend's sister has died suddenly. as i have more spare time than most i was able to do stuff others couldnt do. i went out for coffee with a friend who is a little depressed, i hope chatting helped her feel a bit less isolated in a new country. blah blah blah. '

Which of these things could you not have done whilst also doing paid work? And I'm failing to see how this stuff which is the kind of stuff all human beings do day to day is contributing to society as opposed to your nearest and dearest. Newsflash, I am also able to talk to friends, support others, do community work, do things for personal fulfilment etc etc AS WELL as doing paid work as do most other WAHMs. I do not have a negative attitude towards WAHMs I'm just saying they don't do much for the greater good in the hours when their kids are at school unless they do volunteer work etc etc.

And for every SAHM who fills their time with valuable and valued things while their kids are at school there are many who by their own admission don't.

I'm still not criticising. Each to their own.

There are plenty of people doing paid work work who are servicing only their own and their family's needs and whom society could well do without.

The bottom line is that it's a nonsense to presume that you know the usefulness or quality of someone else's life or their contribution.

I have just had an interesting conversation on the phone with one of my friends.
Our roles have completely reversed until recently she was a SAHM and I had a "career"
She used to be the completely organised one and I was always harassed.
Now when ever she phones all I hear is stress and tiredness in her voice.
I am not entering into the debate as it is pointless but there is a price to pay regardless of which choice you make.

'the suggestion from b&wc that SAHMs are contributing nothing to society and that we are defined only by the paid work that we do.'

I never said that or even thought it. Read my posts.

Actually, Rantaclause, in the 21st century the majority of mums DO paid work. It has always been a relatively privileged minority who can choose to stay at home solely for the purposes of being a better parent and an unfortunate minority who are not in a position to work because they are not qualifed to or it's not finacially worth their while.

blackandwhitecat - you may not have said it but it is what is coming across

'There are plenty of people doing paid work work who are servicing only their own and their family's needs and whom society could well do without.'

If you are doing paid work in this country that is legal and you are earning over a certain limit then you are paying taxes. That is contributing to society. It is my opinion that all of us unless we have a good reason not to i.e. pre-school children, sickness, can't get a job, can't get a job with child-friendly hours and can't find or afford after-school care etc etc, should be contributing to society either through taxes or some other form of work (volunteer work etc) or both. As I've said that's just my view. It's how I've been brought up and how I am raising my kids. I don't see how that's offensive. There's room on Mumsnet as in real life for differences of opinion as there is room for different people spending their time in different ways.

If these SAHM who by their own admission dont do anything but are finaicailly supporting by their DH/Dp and do 'lunch' etc etc and dont claim and benefits etc then fine, let them do it.

The problem here is that alot of SAHM on MNs actually do alot of varied things whcih are not paid and thst why SAHM on this thread are getting the hunp ! An assumption again that SAHM dont do anything useful .

IF I was able to work , chose not to and claimed benefit then you could critcise me for not making any contribution to society.

After all we all benefit from taxes and all benefit from other people's work every second of our lives.

I am glad that I do voluntary work then - would hate to be thought of as not contributing to the good of society

Alot of pople have benefited from my taxes that I paid from the age of 18 to age of 38 yrs.

Work is not the be all and end all if we chose not to and are able to support ourselves.

I really should go now before I combust!!
Night night

'IF I was able to work , chose not to and claimed benefit then you could critcise me for not making any contribution to society.'

To criticise people who are childless aren't working THROUGH CHOICE and are claiming benefits or even just living off others (like a 30 year old man still living with his parents and not earning) is a fairly mainstream view.

As I said, I did do paid work until I had ds a year and a half ago. When I was working I simply didn't have the time to do many of the things that I do now and I am grateful that I now have the opportunity to do them. I worked long hours to meet tight deadlines for very little money in the non-profit sector. I loved my job and worked hard. Incidentally, in all of the jobs I have ever had, there have ALWAYS been other employees whose commitment and dedication to their job (never mind society) was at best questionable. Please don't forget that many SAHM have, in fact, worked outside the home for years - they know exactly what kind of contribution people in the workplace make to society and it is not always positive. So get off of your high horse blackandwhitecat . I am sure you are a great mother with varied interests, who works hard, but please dont lecture people on contributing to society as if you have all the answers.