My passport expires in 6 weeks. I have everything organised and tomorrow I will fill in the application to renew it. That has to be done online and then immediately printed off when complete. I also need to download and fill in the authority for the application fee to be charged to my debit card. On Monday I will ring the authorised courier company to arrange for them to collect the above and deliver them to the American Embassy in London. Then I wait for my new passport.
I do have to make one decision about an option on the application. Do I order just a “normal” passport or do I order the one with extra pages? At renewal there’s no difference in the fee. My expiring passport is full. I’m just lucky the last couple of stamps were squeezed in.
One thing of which I am certain. This will be my last passport. It will be valid for 10 years – until April 2027. There’s most probably less than one chance in a million that I’ll still be around in 5 years, never mind 10 years.
Over the last couple of weeks there have been a few extremely exciting announcements about advances and breakthroughs in treatments for many kinds of cancer. The “cure” word is even being used. If true, these advances will be the most incredible things to have happened in my lifetime. But it’s almost sure that they are coming just that little bit too late for me. The clinical trial protocols need to be completed. Then it will remain to be seen which, if any, of them the NHS will fund. Nope. I don’t have that sort of time.
I probably won’t need the extra pages passport after all.
So, now I’m thinking about “lasts”.
My birthday is only 7 weeks away so odds are excellent I’ll see another one of those. But, will it be my last? I like birthdays. I like feeling that there’s a special day for me (and however many other millions who share it). I haven’t been able to celebrate my birthday since 2011. In 2012 I was in the midst of my first regime of chemotherapy. In 2013 I was recovering from a Large Loop Excision of the Transformation Zone (LLETZ) to remove severely abnormal cells from my cervix. In 2014 I was 5 days post-op after my second mastectomy. In 2015 I was suffering from chemo side effects and becoming progressively less well. I became so unwell that just 8 days after my birthday I was admitted to hospital for what turned out to be a 5 week stay. Five weeks during which there were times when not even the staff could be sure whether I’d live or die.
This year (2016) I have chemotherapy the day before my birthday. Even if it’s a good cycle I won’t be up to celebrating that weekend. But, as there is an outside chance that this will be my last birthday, I want a celebration to end all celebrations. So I’m thinking of delaying the celebration for a week. That would be appropriate in another way. Michael’s birthday was exactly a week after mine. Well, technically it was 8 years minus 1 week before mine. It could be a double celebration. I’m still thinking about the logistics. I can’t host the party I want to have at home. I need to pick a city, find a venue, find a cheapish hotel to recommend (and book myself into) and then just throw it open and see who wants to come along.
What other “lasts” are there? I’ve already been through several. I won’t detail them but realising in retrospect that they are done is painful. Parts of me have already died. I mourn for what has gone. But I must accept that they are indeed no longer part of my life.
What about travel? Will my new passport be unused? It will be difficult, but, NO it fucking well WILL be used. I WILL go to Kos again. I WILL go to Virginia again. I WILL cruise again. I may well only be able to do each of these one more time but do them I will. I hope.
What about Thanksgiving? It’s not done here in the UK and I do miss it. If I can I may try to make that my Virginia visit. Waifs and Wastrels calls. I hope.
Christmas. Ah, Christmas. We’ll have to see if I make it that long.
The really HUGE question is when will I have my last active treatment for my cancer? Do I go on grabbing frantically at every option offered to me? Even if/when those options continue to debilitate me to the point where the things I WANT to do recede ever more rapidly into having been the last. Or do I have my last treatment while I’m still “well” enough to go out and exploit my bucket list to the max?
I’m not asking for advice. These decisions must be mine and mine alone.