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Original poster

Advice on searching for 'birth' mother

60 replies

islandgirl · 20/04/2004 20:49

I am contemplating searching for my birth mother, and wonder if anyone had a similar experience. I have wonderful parents, and am not doing it because I Feel I am lacking anything, but because as a mum myself I feel guilty that I have never tried to get in touch with her. I have always known I was adopted, and have my original birth certificate and birth parent details, but don't really know where to go from here, and am guite scared about starting!! You can never turn the clock back can you.

OP posts:
roisin · 29/04/2004 20:44

madcyclist - thanks for sharing your story. It's really encouraging.

Original poster
islandgirl · 17/07/2004 20:19

so today a letter arrived saying that Birthlink have made contact with a birth relative (male), and to call them when I feel ready to move forward. Initial reaction was almost relief that somebody had been trying to contact me, and now fear!!!!! I'll keep posting with progress and when I feel like I need to just chat.

OP posts:
roisin · 17/07/2004 21:23

Thinking of you!

Please keep us updated with how you go on. I am really excited (and nervous) for you.

Roisin x

Jollymum · 21/07/2004 20:26

Roisin-you did what you had to do and I'm an adopted child which means you go through every emotion. Mine was sadness at being "dumped", anger at knowing my birth mother had four kids after me and relief that my basic instinct was right. She was MY MUM, she had very little choice in keeping me and now I've met her, it's like looking at a mirror image. We laugh alike, we have the same dirty sense of humour, she gets on great with my dh and kids and she's MY MUM! I hope that your son looks for you, he LISTENS to you and whatever he thinks about you or the circumstances of his adoption, he hugs you and waits for an explanation.

Jollymum · 21/07/2004 20:29

Islandgirl-take it a minute at a time. Think about it and then then go for it. If it doesn't work out the way you had hoped, at least you tried, but if it does, well look what you've gained! Hope it goes well for you..XXX

Yorkiegirl · 21/07/2004 20:32

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Yorkiegirl · 21/07/2004 20:34

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Original poster
islandgirl · 22/07/2004 20:38

Yorkiegirl - I like you always knew that I was adopted, and have a fantastic family, and wonderful parents. I had no desire to find my birth mother, and all I knew about her was that she and my birth father had been in a relationship, and then parted when she was pregnant. I am now 37, and only felt a small urge when I had my first son in 2000, but did nothing until earlier this year. I still have no real expectations and am not looking for anyone to replace a void, as there isn't one. My brother is also adopted and does not want to trace his birth mother. Do nothing or something when you want to, and not becasue you feel you should. Now I have started I can't turn back!!

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Original poster
islandgirl · 22/07/2004 20:41

update - the person who is looking for me is my brother, who had been searching since 1991 - that was a real shock, and obviously his circumstances have changed since then. No other news as yet. I have amazed myself about how calm I am being, and feel no need to rush, which I'm pleased about for all of us, as I'm sure there is a big emotional journey ahead. Thanks to you all for your on-going posts.

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Yorkiegirl · 03/08/2004 14:49

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Original poster
islandgirl · 03/08/2004 21:52

Hi there. I have had a letter from my brother, who is 6 years younger than me, which was a very emotional moment, and a bit overwhelming. He seems very kind, and very excited to have found me, but also aware that I need time, and he is not rushing me. He registered in place of my birh mother, because she felt is was not her place to trace me, although she knows that he has. Ironically she is on holiday until Friday, and does not know. I think he is my half brother, as his father has a different name to my birth father, and there is also another brother who is 3 years younger than me. A lot to take in, and my head has really been spinning. We have exchanged letters, and I don't wish any verbal contact yet, but may do in time. It is now a case of wait and see with regards to my birth mother, but I am relieved that she is alive, and that she will know that I don't feel she abandoned me at all, and that I have a happy life. I am feeling positve, and although lots of lives will be touched, not least my mum, dad and brother, I hope that I can reassure them that they are my family who I love dearly, and that in time my birt family may be a part of my life in some capacity, or may not. Early days, but I feel that I am going at a pace I am happy with, and can almost deal with emotionally. So far, no regrets, but still lots of questions. Just very tired from disturbed sleep !! Will keep posting. xxx

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Yorkiegirl · 03/08/2004 21:55

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Christie · 30/08/2004 16:09

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Fran1 · 30/08/2004 19:09

Does anyone have suggestions on how to find birth relatives if not actually adopted?

E.g the birth father left before the child was born, and the step father's name is on the birth certificate.

Only a name and place of birth is known about the natural father - is this an impossible task??

Original poster
islandgirl · 31/08/2004 21:05

Hi there. I have now had a letter from my birth mother who is delighted to have made contact with me,and who has obviously thought about me a lot over the years. She has always been honest about me, and her husband (who is not my father), always knew about me, as did my brothers. This meant a lot to me, as I have clearly never been a secret that she carried. Her letter was very emotional, and very honest, aned she is also aware that we are all embarking on a journey that hopefully we can all be accepting of in time. She seems a really kind person, and so far the journey is going well. Thanks for your continued interest and support!

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roisin · 05/09/2004 18:30

Hello! How did I miss this bit of news? Sounds really positive, and I am completely in awe of how calm and controlled you are all being about this, and taking it slowly and gently.

jampot · 05/09/2004 19:45

Islandgirl - WOW!!! I can't believe I;ve missed this ongoing thread (was Sexgoddess!). I am soo pleased for you and wish you all the best in your journey together.xx

biketastic · 05/09/2004 20:13

wow, that is soo exciting. I remember going a bit bonkers when I made contact with my mother. I think you need to take it really realy slowly. Work out what you want from these people and then see from their point of view if it sounds reasonable.
I do hope so much that it all works out. It's great that you mother didn't keep you as a secret, mine did and it nearly broke her.
I am so excitied for you...this is such a big thing in your life. You will find all sorts of weird similarities that will amke you laughand freak you out a bit.
Do let us know how it all goes.

Original poster
islandgirl · 06/09/2004 14:52

Hi all, and to jampot, as I did wonder where Sexgoddess had gone! I have now spoken to one brother, and we were on the phone for 2 hours, and it was a really natural conversation. It was good to talk, as we were very honest, and were able to explain things more easily than in written format.
The whole family just seems to be delighted. My other brother wrote to say that it has brought the family closer together which is nice, and that he is really pleased I am making the effort to build relationships with them all. Our main concerns have been for their father, and my family.
In fact I told my mum yesterday, and she was incredible, and said it was a huge relief, as she had thought about my birth mother often, and wanted to let her know I was well and happy, and how grateful they were to her. All quite heavy stuff really, but each contact is another step forward, and for me the phone conversation was the next big step. I think meeting up is a long way off, and we all need time to absorb things first.
I have now sent a photo of me, but not of dh or the children as I feel that can wait for now. Bit hard to explain that one though.
Anyway, it's lovely you are all so pleased for me, and can't thank you enough as it was you that gave me the strength to post that original letter.
bye for now
x

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Original poster
islandgirl · 20/10/2004 20:09

Hi there all! Just back from a weekend with my brother - and it all went so well. He was a bit shocked by how much I look like our mother, but he got over that and we had a wonderful time and got on so well. We talked and talked, looked at old photos, did a bit of crying and loads of laughing, and it was really sad saying goodbye!! I am so glad we have made that big step, and I now have a date to meet with my birth mother, amd am looking forward to that. We have spoken on the phone, but to meet her in person will be amazing I sense.

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 20/10/2004 20:10

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jampot · 20/10/2004 20:18

wow Islandgirl Im very glad you had a good meeting with your brother and that you've made contact with your bm. Please keep us informed of your progress. xx

kalex · 20/10/2004 20:53

OMG Islandgirl Well Done you!!!!!!

I am so so glad that this went well. And i hope that all future contacts go as well.

All hugs from Scotland
Kalex

kalex · 20/10/2004 20:53

PS Please keep us up to date with what is happening.

roisin · 20/10/2004 21:20

Thanks for the update Islandgirl. Spooky: I have been thinking of you recently, and actually started an email to you today, but got interrupted and didn't finish it.

I can't even begin to express how delighted I am for you all; am filling up just reading your post and thinking about you.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us all