Advice on searching for 'birth' mother

[islandgirl]

I am contemplating searching for my birth mother, and wonder if anyone had a similar experience. I have wonderful parents, and am not doing it because I Feel I am lacking anything, but because as a mum myself I feel guilty that I have never tried to get in touch with her. I have always known I was adopted, and have my original birth certificate and birth parent details, but don't really know where to go from here, and am guite scared about starting!! You can never turn the clock back can you.

There are specialist counselling agencies who can help you through the process - some Mumsnetters have done this I think and could help. Research does show that even when there isn't any lasting contact, the vast majority of adoptees are glad they found their birth mother. Good luck with what you decide.

Islandgirl - I found my dh's birthmum 2 years ago. I knew her name and her age and used a fabulous lady who charged about £120. Within 2 weeks I had a married name, address, phone number and a brief history. If you want to contact me via mumsnet I can recommend her.

BTW my dh is now really close to his bm and they keep in touch by phone a few times a week and see each other every couple of months.

SEXGODDESS - thanks and I may contact you if I get brave - how does DH-s adoptive family feel?

Islandgirl - afraid DH's parents don't know. They were always honest with him but I'm afraid his mum would be very upset. I think she doesn't realise I know dh is adopted. She also told me once she didn't get pnd after having dh.

It's a very brave thing to do - dh and I discussed it and I said I would "look" and I dropped him snippets of information every so often. I also contacted her without his knowledge just to make sure she wanted to be found. Obviously if she didn't I would have told dh I couldn't find her. He wasn't desperate to find her but curious...especially since having children. He is not in the slightest bit interested in finding his bf though (his bm has told me where he is).

islandgirl I am adopted, my parents didn't tell me but I found out when I was quite young. When I was away from home at University I traced my natural parents and didn't tell anybody for about 2 years, eventually the pressure got to me and it all came out. My parents were shocked but accepted that I needed to know. By that point I didn't care anymore as I just couldn't keep it a secret (I was only about 19).

I can't remember all of the details but I think when I contacted whoever you contact to start the search they told me that my birth mother had supplied her name and address as she wanted to be contacted so I didn't actually have to search - I think they keep a register.

It turned out that my birth parents married after giving me up and went on to have 4 sons (I also grew up with a brother - My Mum got pregnant after adopting me). So now I have 5 brothers & 2 sons!!

I currently live 10 mins from my natural parents and have been part of their family for 13 years now. My 'real' parents are also very close and come to stay all of the time.

I realise I have been very lucky for it all to turn out this way and for me I had to know whatever the outcome. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done but I would definitely say it was worth it.

Good luck with your search if you choose to go ahead with it and keep posting if you need any support.

As a starting point you could register with the Adoption Contact Register . You could even find that your birth mother has already registered, and your search could stop at that point.

Alternatively, this site has a selection of links which could be useful. Or you might find her on sites likes Friends Reunited, or by registering with sites like this one .

GillW - have taken the plunge and registered with the adoption agency. See how that goes, and cross any bridges when I need to. Fell quite emotional about it now....

islandgirl, Just a posting from the otherside of this thread. I'm not adopted but my mother had a child adopted before she met and married my father. Didn't learn this till I was in my late twenties a big shock for all my family ( brother and sisters). We suddendly had a half sister out there. My sister decided to trace her, which we had the right to trace her, birth mother didn't. Birth mother can leave a letter saying they give permission to be traced. . We went through NORCAP for this ( very good) liase on your behalf . Although my sister did the research and found out exactly where she lived,etc.This you can do if you have time to do this.
All I can say please take into account do you want to be part of the new family if you are accepted ( don't mean to sound harsh here ,but sometimes as a friend of mine found out her birth mother did not want to know, be prepared for all).
We all had a good meeting with our half sister, we were her only family her adopted parents were dead and she was an only child.
We all feel slightly different from her in the fact she choosing when she wants to be part of our family and choosing who she wants to attend family gatherings like christenings,etc ( her children are older).
My mother feels slightly hurt by all this and has so much guilt that she has never got over.
I do wish that my half sister understood being part of our life ment including all the family which is part of my mother's.
I can't say our overall experience has been wonderful and we all slightly disappointed by her attitude towards us. Please note she is not awful to us all but she just doesn't think as in a large family inviting one and not the other is unaccepted.
I do wish you good luck and hope all works out for you. ( Please note this is just my experience that I wanted to share with you). larsxx

lars - this is one of my many concerns and why I have been thinkg about this off and on for about 10 years now. On my file it said she had moved to Canada after I was born, but still has family in my birth town in UK. I am assuming she married and had more children, and may or may not wonder about me. If I have been kept a secret the shock may be terrible, and lots of family issues stirred up. I have a wonderful friend who has said once I start be ready for rejection again, or that if my birth mother is still alive and wants to be a part of my life,am I ready for that. Mind you I don't really feel that she rejected me, but gave me a wonderful life.

Islandgirl - my dh's bm had told her husband (2nd) about my dh and before they married (23 years ago) but had never told her two other children (who now live abroad). Anyway she has since told them and we are in email contact with one of his half siblings and the other hasn't got a computer but has written to us.

You must take things at your own pace and make sure you have good support because it would appear it's a seriously emotional time regardless of the outcome. Have you spoken to your parents/family?

My husband is worried because he 'loves me and doesn't want me to get hurt'. My mum actually wanted me to search a few years ago, when to cut a long story short, it was discoved that I had a medical condition that could be fatal if not treated, was hereditary (sp?), and really difficult to discover - i.e. you could fall down dead one day never knowing you were ill. Anyway, i was not ready to look then, and although my mum would be supportive, if I was her I don't know if i would really be OK with it. My dad is a man of few words and have no idea what he would make of it!!! I would not tell my brother (also adopted) yet.

islandgirl thats so nice to hear that she gave you a 'wonderful life'. Yes rejecion is possible and you don't know if you are a 'secret'.
A friend of mine who was adopted, found out details but made the awful mistake of getting another friend to go to the grandmother's house and also ring her direct. BIG MISTAKE!
There is another family involved brings up many issues. Norcap for me were really good because they liase on your behalf much more gentle approach and all the family have councelling before hand. Also they found out about the familes. You may decide you may not want to get involved or the other way round.
It's very difficult to know what to do and how to advise you on this. Are you just curious or do you just want to let your birth mother know your ok? Do you want to be part of your birth mother's new life? Norcap can advise and I would take this route. Let me know how you get on? larsxx

And another perspective Islandgirl. I had a baby boy adopted at birth 14 years ago. I would be delighted if he decides to make contact in the future, and I think most birth mothers would be in this position, as it's something you have to live with for the rest of your life*.

It can be very emotionally draining on everyone though, and I would recommend using a third neutral party, or maybe a friend or relative, to provide a 'buffer zone' for the raw emotions. My ultimate dream is that one day he will decide to get in touch, and I would be thrilled if he just turned up unannounced on my doorstep ... but if I'm honest I don't think that sort of a 'shock reunion' is the best start to a new relationship for anybody. (I'm sure you wouldn't do that, but some people do - it is so easy to trace people nowadays).

Do you have someone you can talk things through with? Just making the decision to start to trace is a huge one. It is possible that you could learn, very quickly, that your birth parents have died. Are you prepared for such revelations? Some counselling could help you prepare yourself.

As a birth parent I can make it clear that I am happy to be traced ... by making sure I am as easily traceable as possible (which I have done). But it doesn't mean that the best way forward is a speedy and hasty one. Sometimes it takes a long time to trace relatives, and this period of time is a good opportunity to adapt and prepare yourself for the process.

Warmest wishes,

*I am in tears just writing this, and thinking back to painful memories and forward to hopes and dreams for the future. When I decided to register with NORCAP it took me about a month to summon up the strength to phone them, and then they sent me the wrong forms initially and it took me another month to work up to phoning them again.

islandgirl, I am also adopted and found my birth parents. Initially, I went through the local social services, who gave me a bit of counselling and found all my adoption papers. I then decided I could go ahead with it (only 18) and left it until I was 24. I got in touch with my BM but found her guilt and emotional hang ups about having given me away far to difficult to deal with. I let the contact slip and then tried to get in touch again after my son was born and discovered she had died aged 48 of a brain tumour.
I guess experience would lead me to say that you should take it really slowly, think about what exactly you are looking for, work out how you would feel if your BM doesn't want to be in touch or if she had died etc. Then with as much support as you can get from your family, take it slowly and try to get in touch.
Big hugs to you. If you want any more help, just ask.

roisin - now I am in tears as well - it is weird how many emotions get stirred up just talking about it. I have a great girlfriend who I can talk to which is a huge help, and DH is good too, but sometimes too emotional. My one worry is that she has died, and how will I feel if she has been looking for me and will never know I was OK. Anyway - maybe I should just take it as it happens, and worry about things when I need to. Funnily enough I do generally jump in with two feet, and am very impatient about big issues, but this one has taken a long time to get going. Can't say enough what a help having mn and all of you has helped so far. I hope all your dreams come true one day.xxxx

Roisin {{{{{{{{{hugs{}}}}}}}}}}}} xx

Just a message for roisin (((((( a big hug)))))))
I know how difficult that was to even type that.
My mother would fully understand your emotions
and it has affected her life in many ways and she has always remained very guilty.
You did what you had to do at that time.
Larsxx

Thank you all

Roisin, do you know, I've been worrying about you ever since you put on a thread a wee while ago that you had had 3 healthy boys. I knew you only ever referred to 2, so I was worrying that one had died later, but I just couldn't think of a way of asking that didn't sound crass and nosy.

I do hope your son makes contact with you, I'm sure he'll be thrilled to get to know you.

xx

I hope he does too, Roisin, then he'll know what a wonderful birth mother he has.
Good luck to you and islandgirl, I have a male friend contemplating tracing his birth parents as he is shortly to become a dad himself, and I know from talking to him what a painstaking and painful process this can be.

DEAR islandgirl
I found my birth mother a few years ago. I also have a full sister and brother who did not know about me until I found my mother.
It is a really really hard thing to do., but in my case has been fantastic.
I get on so well with my birth mother. We just intuitively know stuff about each other. I get on pretty well with my sister, much more since I had a baby. My brother and I are too similar - wierd!
I thought I would just send a letter to my mum to say that I am ok and don't hold anything against her. But once you open the box, you will find it impossible to put the lid back on IYKWIM.
On my wedding day, I had 2 mothers there by my side. They get on very well, and keep thanking one another - my birth mother thanks my adopted mother for looking after me, and my adopted mother thanks my birth mother for giving me up for adoption. My birth mother was made to give me away by her catholic parents, so it was not really her choice. She was just 17yrs old, in the 60s so it was really frowned upon.
My experience has been amazing. I am so glad I did it.
On the other hand, my adopted sister looked for her mother. She found out that her mother actually lived with her father, but chose to give her up to persue her career. The mother is now dead so no reconcilation, answers or any other infromation was forthcoming as nobody knew of the pregnacy. My sister has a cousin who has talked to her about her parents, and is now a good friend I suppose. But the story for my sister is much sadder.
My point is - you have to be strong and expect any outcome. Please go to counselling before you go any further. The thing that helped me was to realise that I didn't need anything from my new family, I am self sufficient alot of thew time. What has worked is that they do not need anything from me, we all get on because we want to, and it just seems so natural to be involved as part of the family.
I could go on and on, and will if you want me to, you can always contact me personally...
good luck, be honest with yourself and be strong. You may be as lucky as I am.

madcyclist - really glad it worked out for you, but you know close to hand how wrong it can go as well. Everyone's different experiences are really helping me to move forward very slowly, and not rush into the unknown. Thanks

Madcyclist - what a lovely experience for you all. You have a great family...