We have been let down by the justice system. [**Edited by MNHQ, thread may be triggering**]

[OpiesOldLady]

I need to get this out. Some of you will recognise the details, I posted previously under a different name, but tbh I'm sick of hiding now, and being ashamed.

My son was raped and sexually abused by my step son. He also abused my daughter. He was found guilty of two counts of rape and four counts of sexual abuse. We were led to believe that the judge would send him to crown court for sentencing and a custodial sentence would be imposed.

Today he was give a two year rehabilitation order and has been placed on the sex offenders register for five years. He has basically gotten away with a slap on the wrists.

I feel so incredibly let down. My babies had to give evidence against him, he put them through that... and yet he gets to go home tonight, free.

He will get counselling and all manner of professional help, whilst I am having to fight tooth and nail to access some proper support for my children. They are on a waiting list for intensive therapy, but that could take months. In the meantime, I have to watch as my son fades away before my eyes, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this is justice?

I want to appeal his sentence as I think it's far too lenient, but I don't know if i'll be allowed to, I'm waiting to hear back from the Attourney Generals office.

I am swinging between being so furious, devastated and wanting to kill him with my bare hands. How could he do this and just get away with it?

It's my fault that this happened

Therein madness lies.

It is NOT your fault.
It is NOT your children's fault.
It is HIS fault.

I do know what you mean though - if you could only go back and make different decisions in the past, things would be different now. But, the fact is, you cannot . So don't torture yourself with decisions made with the best of intentions and optimism for the future.

What happens is on HIS head, not yours.

Opie, stop. You didn't do this. You didn't invite it. It is not your fault. You must not start to think that way. Do you hear me? Blaming yourself won't help anyone. It wasn't your fault.

I think there are 2 families going through similar on MN, given slightly different threads on the same subject , so I hope you have managed to find each other to see each other through to the other side.

I'm sorry this has happened. You can say to your son that your ss is not allowed near him. He and you are both allowed to put boundaries in place. Is he trying to contact you?

I hope you can find the support you all need.

This is NOT your fault. I've said this before, so many of us have, because it's true!! You are loved. This 'sentence' is sickening. I've de-lurked to tell you this: you. Are. Amazing. You have been through the worst hell this year, as have the DCs and you're still standing. It is his fault, he did this nobody else. One way or another, he will pay.

However non-mn this is - Huge, huge love and hugs x

Opies I was just thinking of you this weekend gone and wondering how you had got on, isn't that strange. (It's ChippingIn here by the way, Halloween namechange!).

It's not your fault my love, you weren't to know how troubled your DH's son was (is) :(

I am really sorry that you and DH separated, it would have been almost impossible for any couple to stay together in this situation :( Do you think there's any chance you can find your way back to each other?

I suppose with your step son they are looking at him as a disturbed child who needs help/rehabilitation whereas you (very understandably) want him to pay for what he has done. Part of me wants to see him locked up and the key thrown away for what he did to your children, but the other part of me says 'How the fuck did a 14 year old get so messed up that he could do this and how do we sort it out? Can we sort him out?'

However, there must be a way of getting a restraining order against him, there just must :(

Is DH helping out with the kids? Do you have any RL support with the kids?

You need to ask people to help, you have to make time to use the counselling that has been offered or you are going to 'explode' - you have been dealing with this for a long time now, you need an outlet where you don't have to be the strong one. But maybe, now the case is over, it can be here again as it was before?!

Lots of love & strength, it's good to have you back
x

I know it's not my fault, but that doesn't stop me blaming myself. I feel like I've let my children down very badly indeed.

There is no way of getting a restraining order/non molestation order. I've spoken again to the solicitor as well as to the police. He is free to go wherever he pleases, and my little boy is terrified. How fucked up is that?

One thing that is significant is that the police officer who dealt with our case has put a grievance (I suppose this is like a formal complaint?) in about his sentence, and will be asking for it to be reviewed again. She is utterly disgusted with it, as are most people.

I've just spoken to a lady at the Crown Prosecution Service who is going to ring me back, hopefully today.

Surely there must be something I can do?

I am so sorry to hear this it's appalling!
Ok first I would contact mp
Could the police put a panic button in your house or a link on your phone for them to come out straightaway
Make it perfectly clear to your ex that he must tell his son to stay away
Make your neighbours aware that he is a danger show them his photo and ask them to let you know if he turns up in the street
Ditto the school and any activity clubs they do
I can't believe what you're going through

I am waiting to hear if I can appeal, before involving my local MP. I've spoken to CPS, and they said there is nothing that they can do their end as once they get a conviction their involvement ends. I rand the attorney generals office again today and typically the person I needed to speak to was off, but the person I did speak to was aware of our case and although he couldn't tell me one way or the other if I could appeal, he did say that it was a bit of a grey area, so that leads me to a teeny glimmer of hope.

In other news, I took my son for his last Hep B injection today, and he was very brave indeed, though he's still complaining of it aching now. And he had a counselling session, but his counsellor is now off for a month... so that's helpful. I think we may end up contacting childline before the though.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned them already but have you tried Barnardos op?
They may be able to suggest help for your dc or yourself.
I'm so so sorry this has happened to you all. It's dreadful.

No, I haven't, but i'll add it to my Monday to-do list. Thanks.

Gosh, I feel so angry today. I can totally understand now why people take the law into their own hands. Part of me wants to shout very loudly about the injustice of it all, but what good would that do to my babies?

It's half term now, and I'm planning things to do. I'm hopefully taking them to the cinema and we'll go to the seaside if we get some dry weather too. Mostly I just want to snuggle up with them all, lock the door, draw the curtains and keep the big bad world out

Dear Opies I'm so sorry this is shocking. We are about to go to crown court in just over a week with something similar. I am constantly thinking now what if he's not found guilty what will it do to us. Reading your post has shocked me - I'm really angry for you. I hope something can be done to challenge the outcome.

Also consider suing him - even if it is just £10 a week out of his wages for the next 20 years he will be paying back, even if it is out of his benefits. You can bring a civil claim for damages.

I remember you previous threads, I'm so sorry that this is the outcome. It's truly disgusting that our justice system puts so many resources to the criminal and so few for the victims.

Have you had any contact with your local victim support? I was able to get some help through them and I didn't pursue the phone support because I'm very lucky to have a Dad who is a fantastic listener and helps me to rationalise the anger when waves come and to redirect some of the energy into other things. link here. Its just another thought because as you rightly say being mum to 4 DC is all absorbing and finding you time challenging, the volunteers i seam to remember can be available to talk after the DC are in bed so at hours that maybe more accessible to you.

I hope the half term brings some bright and blustery days so you and the DC can enjoy the beach and snuggle up with hot coco when you get home.

He is free to go wherever he pleases, and my little boy is terrified. How fucked up is that?

It is massively fucked up :( and you know how you know our legal system is fucked... but then you read something like this and you realise it's even more fucked up than you thought :(

It's one thing to know, intellectually that something isn't your fault, it's quite another to stop blaming yourself. At some stage you have to though, or you are going to make yourself ill & your anger will hurt you and eventually your children. It's all still new now though, but try to work on letting that self blame go x

It is good that the policewoman is putting in a formal complaint, I hope it helps you get this escalated. Even if it doesn't, it must be good to know that 'outsiders' feel so angry as well and make feel you are more than justified in feeling the way you do.

You do feel there must be something more you could do, simply because this situation is so utterly, utterly unbelievable and it's hard to comprehend this being 'all that is going to happen' :(

I agree with Mama's and all the things she said you could do (if you haven't already). Why are you waiting before contacting your MP, don't you think they could help you now?

I'm helping you to hold onto the 'glimmer of hope'! I have a very very firm grip on it!

A month is a long time for DS's counsellor to be off :( Hopefully Childline can help him if he calls.

Go to the cinema, go to the beach, go and really live your lives. If you stay home & try to protect your babies, then you have really lost. Show them that no matter how bad things are, there are still good things to look forward to and enjoy. I hope it's as warm as it's supposed to be next week and you can get to the beach, there's nothing like looking out at the ocean to calm you (well me anyway!) xx

Torrie Good luck for next week. I hope it's not too harrowing and you get some justice x

Shit. I am so sorry. That is absolutely disgusting that's all he got :( he must be a very disturbed kid to do it. Your poor children :( I hope they get the help they deserve.

Please, if there's anything that we (mumsnet) can do, let us know!

Maybe we could start a petition, raise money for therapy, provide transport, babysitting, whatever it is. I really want to help. When the system lets us down, we need to pull together as a community (even if an online one) to help those who need it, and it sounds like your family do.

Wishing you all lots of love and hope.

No, please, I don't want a collection or anything, that's never been my intention, I just wanted a safe space to get what's inside my head out, is all. To get this all out in a place where I don't have to censor how I feel is really helping.

This morning DS has woken up with what looks like conjunctivitis. Looks like a trip to OOH is on the cards - just waiting for a callback - but he's very worried. I've told him that I know he can be brave, and he told me he's sick of being brave, e doesn't want to be brave anymore. I said that in that case i'll be brave enough for both of us

I am so so sorry to hear about the horror your children have been through, ( and you as their mum of course, goes without saying) I hate our justice system, there is no justice for you and your family and I am so angry for you. I don't have anything constructive to say.

Oh poor little love :( How old is he now. 11? (sorry, my memory isn't what it used to be.) That feeling when you are tired of being brave, fed up of it not going away... it's awful. Do you think it's worth asking him if he wants the number & space to ring Childline today? It has been a year since disclosure and longer since it started for him - it's a very long time when you are a child, to be brave x

I wonder if his eye has anything to do with his injection yesterday?

How is DD doing?

How are the other 2 doing?

I know how you are doing, and I wish there was something I could do to help x

He was ten last month. I've spoken to him, and left the phone in his room in case he wants to ring. He has bunks in his bedroom, his is the top on and next to him is a blackboard wall, and he has chalks so he can draw on it etc. I've written the childline number on it, so it's there for him if he wants to use it. He's also taken to sleeping in my bed again, he did this for a couple of months after the disclosure, and I went to bed last night and I found him curled up in my bed with an army of his soft toys and things that keep him 'safe'. If that's what he needs to do at the moment to get him through, that's fine.

DD is very clingy, and is terrified of me leaving her. She needs constant reassurance. For example, she'll say, Mammy, if we go to town, you will hold my hand, won't you? You won't let me go, will you? She's taken to sleeping with the lights on again too.

The other two are ok. DS3 is happy in his own manic world, he's had a good week at school this week - he only started in September and this week was the first week that he hasn't been on the black cloud, so lots of praise and high fives for him. DD2 is a bit offy atm. She woke up at 9pm last night and her temp was over 39. She's a little warm today so wonder what she's cooking.

Opies, I'm so sorry to hear about just how fucking awful this has been for you and your children.

I'm afraid I have no advice to give regarding helplines or anything like that, but I can see you've had lots of advice from PPs.

A very small tip, DD was very frightened of the cream for conjunctivitis, the pharmacist was adamant it had to be squirted into her eye, but a very experienced staff member at the nursery who'd had it herself recommended putting a line of it on a cotton wool pad and then wiping across the eyelashes as if you're taking mascara off. It works its way into the eye and treats it without the frightening pointy tube going near the eyeball. Hope that helps if your DS is worrying about that.

Sending strength to you and yours.

Oh brilliant, thank you tomb, i'll be sure to remember that.

Oh a wee bit younger than I remembered. I want to scoop all of you up and keep you snuggled up warm & safe... it must be crippling you :( Sleeping with you is just fine, it's good he feels he can. It's good that he has the phone, the CL number and knows he can ring it anytime he wants to. It's good to have someone to talk to whose feelings you don't have to consider.

Poor little DD too... it's all so unfair and crap :( Is she worried about people in general or just that your step son might be there?

I'm glad DS3 had a good week at school - long may that last!! I hope they are good for, to and with him - SEN provision is so variable.

I hope DD2 is back to normal soon. There are a lot of things going around at the moment, fortunately most of them seem to be short lived.

I guess if you are going to the GP/chemist for DS they could take a look at DD2 too.

What help are you getting??
x

Opies, at lest conjunctivitis I can help you with: tomb's advice is sound, as is getting the child to close their eyes and then placing a little drop of the ointment at the corner of the eye near the nose and then encouraging them to blink - it gets in all the right places.

The other perfectly reasonable thing to do is to NOT treat at all: the vast majority of cases of conjunctivitis are viral and antibiotic drops/ointment don't work anyway, so why the distress? Clean it with cooled-down boiled water (a bit of salt in if you want) and cotton balls when the eye is sticky, wiping towards the nose and it should pass in a few days. No matter how horrible and gunky it might look conjunctivitis is NOT sore, so if she complains of pain then it's Something Else and needs checking out again.

It is hugely contagious - usually both eyes end up affected and it is really easy to pass it on to another person (we once managed to pass it to all 6 of us and then back to the child who started it all ) so separate towels and lots of hand washing are a v good idea.

Sorry for the essay.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend.