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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
Megglevache · 07/09/2006 23:12

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 08/09/2006 00:26

Kelly, I have nothing to add except my support.

xxx

Dottydot · 08/09/2006 02:44

Kelly - just wanted to say I'm thinking about you and hoping somehow this can be resolved without any more heartache.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 08/09/2006 07:51

morning everyone. I am so tired. I don't kno how much longer I can carry on like this. I am starting to worry about driving because I am not up to it. I finally slept abt 3 and woke at abt 6.30. I think I'm gonna have to ask for sleeping pills today. I have another busy day in front of me and I jsut want to curl up in bed.

OP posts:
heavenis · 08/09/2006 08:27

Morning Kelly. I'm not suprised your tired. I hope you manage through your day ok. Have you been to the gp or do those night kalm things work ?
Good luck and sending you supporting vibes.

ohana · 08/09/2006 08:56

lots of hugs kelly, hope the day improves.

Megglevache · 08/09/2006 09:15

Message withdrawn

Darciesmum · 08/09/2006 09:42

Kelly i have no advice at all
but we are thinking of you
xx

throckenholt · 08/09/2006 10:07

Kelly - get some decent food in yourself - you are not going to get through today without some energy.

Hope the DTs are behaving well - and not adding to the stress.

Have you had a chance to talk quietly with DP - and talk about the "issues" he has with your older two ? Assuming you are sure he is not in the wrong you need to help each other through this - and that means having a chance to really talk things through honestly.

Hope today is less scary than yesterday, and things become clearer.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 08/09/2006 10:14

hello.

They have been messing me about a lot today and now they are leaving the xrays til monday and so I jsut have ss, hv and gp to do today. The messing about is so frustrating.

I can't spend any time with dp, because he can't be near dd or ds1. That is what makes it so hard. We are going through all htis and not got each other for support.

I stillc an't keep fluids down, so haven't tried food. I've even started smoking again after stopping for over two years

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 08/09/2006 10:29

Oh honey- you are bound to be knackered after a day like yesterday. Hope the day has got better as you go though.

And don't be afraid to admit that you are feeling tired and drained. This is going to be a stressful process, I'm afraid.

It's hardly ever nice, at least initially, for individuals or families to be the focus of a service which is essentially there to step in when things aren't going 100% right. The very fact that social services have become involved brings you inescapably face to face with the fact that things are difficult and that in itself is distressing. It takes a massive amount of courage to face that and try to change it, especially when there are people telling you this needs to be done. Being told stuff like that generally sticks in people's craws so much that it is v hard for them to really assess what is being said objectively. Plus it is always hard to be objective about your own wee family, I think. And yours isn't even a wee family! 4 young kids (esp when 2 are twins and 1 has special needs) = high daily stress before you even start to add in (very, very common) difficult relationship dynamics in a blended family.

Even if the professionals are very helpful- and I hope with all my heart that your ones will be- there really are some good ones out there, I promise- it is horrible to have to face the fact that, for whatever reasons, you need some help as a family. Lots of people feel very stigmatised by that, imo, even when, as with you guys, it is almost impossible to imagine life running 100% smoothly simply because the potential stresses are massive. I imagine that none of us have families that are going 100% right and all of us have had moments where our parenting or our partner's parenting has fallen below ok but not all of us have to cope with such a difficult situation. It is massively difficult to move on from feeling crap about that to really focussing on whether some changes to the way we do things would be helpful. Imo, the most difficult, courageous and amazing thing you can possibly do is exactly what you are doing. Acknowledge that this is a horrible, gut churningly upsetting situation and vow to get yourself and your family through it and come out of the other side stronger and closer. Oh, and make sure you eat properly and get some sleep. Really really hope today marks a turning point and things are on the up for you and yours.

princessmel · 08/09/2006 10:30

Does your gp know that you haven't eaten for days and can't eat?

ScummyMummy · 08/09/2006 10:31

Sorry. x posted. Have you got any support at all in the area? Sounds like it would be really beneficial to get the kids babysat for just 30 mins or so so that you can meet with dp. Would dp's aunt do it?

ScummyMummy · 08/09/2006 10:33

Yes, agree with throckenholt re food. Go to GP.

ScummyMummy · 08/09/2006 10:33

Sorry. Meant princessmel.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 08/09/2006 10:38

Still thinking about you Kelly.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 08/09/2006 10:55

when is this ever goin to end?

ss have called and they now do want to go to the gps with me. so I have to go there with them in tow again. They won't let up for a min, they have seen the others are fine but still full on at me.

scummymummy, I can see what you are saying, but we were coping before. Just barely, I admit, but we were managing until they stepped in. They are destroying our family, and I am finding it really hard to cope without dp.

They are looking at the possibility of a bit of respite at the weekend, community childminder or something. I am prob goin to need that due to sheer exhaustion, though I hate tellign them that I am not coping and hate the thought of leaving the babies with a stranger. They are v clingy.

I jsut so wish I could turn the clock back. I wish I had dealt witht he tantrum. I would have struggled to contain him, and he would have got hurt, and me too, but he wouldn't have thrown accusations at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 08/09/2006 10:57

why do they lie so much? yest they told me I was fine to go alone. it's the lying and the changing of minds that keep throwing me, landing me with mroe and mroe to deal with.

OP posts:
skippedydoodah · 08/09/2006 11:06

Here is some advice from a social worker friend of mine, hope it helps

Its too hard to say without knowing specifics of the case. In our county she would have either an assigned or a duty social worker who would be looking after her interests.

It may not seem that way to her but all social services will be trying to do is establish what the needs of the family are in order to maintain normal family life. If they are satisfied that no abuse is taking place they will be looking to offer her respite/ shared care/ local community based groups that can ease the pressure on her and the other children.

Even if there was abuse they would be looking to get them past the crisis point and establish coping mechanisims in order to preserve the family set up. The aim is to enable her to give to ALL of her children. If she has a child who is exceptionally demanding of her time they will be looking at ways in which she can get a break from him in order to spend NORMAL time with the other children.

As for legal representation its really not necessary. Even if she were being looked at for abusing the child she would be adequately taken care of in the normal course of the investigation.

There is no reason for her to be so alarmed, at this point it wouldn't even be a police matter they are just concerned to get the child into a safe envrionment where there is no risk or suspicion of abuse.

It all sound really harsh but you only have to remember the cases like Victoria Climbe to put it in perspective. If there is no case to answer there won't be any stigma attached to her. She really needn't worry. I understand that its her child and she wants him with her but its only happening for his own protection. If it was one of her other children it would be exactly the same. If he is verbal it will help to clear it up sooner too.

Hope that helps. Sorry if I sound beaurecratic, but that is my insight from Social Services perspective.

ScummyMummy · 08/09/2006 11:07

Can you tell them that? Without using the word 'lying'? It might help if you say- "Look, I'm really trying to work with you here but it makes my life that bit harder if you change your minds at the last munute."

I hope things get better, Kelly. I really do. I think it's totally understandable that you feel shit and pulled in all directions. Sorry- I don't know much about you- Do you have any family who could come and give you a hand? Parents? Siblings? Good friends? I would have thought that now is the time to pull in any favour or offer of help going just to get through the next few days. It sounds like there is a possibility of your situation getting even worse because of lack day to day support.

TenaLady · 08/09/2006 11:16

oh well done skip, Ive been waiting for my friend to get back to me with advice, looks like you pipped me at the post.

Look at this carefully Kelly as it gives you the bones of how they should be conducting this so if they seem to be doing anything out of the norm at least you have the knowledge to ask any questions as to the procedure.

Still following this and lots of hugs x

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 08/09/2006 11:21

the police already ARE involved. they have been speaking to dd and ds1, me and the paeds etc. ss has said they will be speaking to dp at some point.

He has spoken to a sol, and it is nearly £300 for the first hour and half to establish what is going on.

sm, I have tried explaining that to them, but they are so single minded, all they are thinking about is ds, and screw me, despite the fact that I need to be fit to look after them. I don't have anyone here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 08/09/2006 11:22

tbh it is very worrying that the police are involved if it isn't routine as I was lead to believe.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 08/09/2006 11:31

Different areas will have different policies on when to involve the poilice, Kelly. It's not necessarily a bad sign. It might be a drive to get all the relevant agencies involved from the beginning. Good luck for today. Hope things get better.

TenaLady · 08/09/2006 11:31

judging from what skip has said about little fella being verbal, in this case hasnt helped.

From the first post i think you said ds had said he had been thrown on the bed. If only he hadnt mentioned that I am sure it wouldnt of escalated to this.

I assume they have asked ds questions since and unless he has changed his view of how he got his bruises they feel obligated to take it to the police.

It so difficult for you and for the system in this case as they are so afraid to miss any clues or make mistakes. They have taken what ds has said as red.