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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
robinpud · 07/09/2006 20:44

No wise words Kelly , but best wishes for a positive outcome for you all soon.

frumpygrumpy · 07/09/2006 20:44

My god, you do have a book to write , crap joke x.

nearlythree · 07/09/2006 20:46

Sending you lots of love. You are being so strong.

laughoutloud · 07/09/2006 20:55

I'm really pleased to hear that you are at home with all of your children. I hope that this all gets sorted out for you soon. Get some comfort food and some rest now. Keep us updated as we all want to give you support to get through this difficult time. x

me23 · 07/09/2006 20:55

Oh I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope it gets sorted soon hun. you are being so brave, stay strong (((hugs)))

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 21:06

fg, I mgiht jsut write that book

I'm in ascot.

Stitch, thanks for the offer earlier, but it is miles from you.

The kids have all been in bed a while now. I've been on the phoen to my mum.

I really can't face food, but once I'm exhausted enough to sleep I will go bed and then hopefully eat breakfast in the morn. I think I must be on adrenaline or something. I feel like I've been hit by a sledgehammer and won't be able to sleep.

I hopew the calmness does help with SS. I spent most of yest screwing at them. Having someone there (aunt went with me) today helped.

OP posts:
essbee · 07/09/2006 21:11

Message withdrawn

SpaceCadet · 07/09/2006 21:24

kelly-i can only echo whats been said earlier on the thread..however, they may not charge dp formally if they can find no evidence of ongoing abuse, dp may just be cautioned.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 21:27

I hope you are right. I feel so desperate I am trying to comply with everything and am prepared to work with them to get through this but don't want our whole lives destroyed, especially as he hasn't done anything criminal.

OP posts:
Jimjams2 · 07/09/2006 21:29

I'm so pleased you are home with them all Kelly.

have a rest, and give yourself some time then follow up getting a proper assessment. If you son has delays, getting that recognised or giving it an official name can change people's perceptions. Do remember to look after yourself as well.

stitch · 07/09/2006 21:46

kelly, if you need me, then just say, ascot isnt the other side of the world.
please hon, try and eat something, even if its just some toast.

SewingMadMummy · 07/09/2006 22:00

Stay strong Kelly, My thoughts are with you xx

Mercy · 07/09/2006 22:02

Kelly, thanks for letting us know waht's going on.

I hope you can get some sleep tonight

Take care

WideWebWitch · 07/09/2006 22:02

kelly, I'm glad you're home with all your children. Let us know if there's anything we can do.

Misspiggy · 07/09/2006 22:13

Kelly - I mentioned earlier in the thread that I'm just up the road from you in Sandhurst. Please mail me if I can help using the my work email address [email protected]. I'm at work til 12.30 tomorrow. I'm more than happy to help in any way I can. Try and get some sleep tonight.

edam · 07/09/2006 22:22

Kelly, thank heavens you have all the children home with you. Am thinking of you.

bosscat · 07/09/2006 22:28

Kelly I've just read this. You poor thing. What a nightmare for all of you. I'm so glad your children are back with you. How confusing you that the spotlight seems to be on your dp. Look after yourself. Sending you lots of good wishes x

Aero · 07/09/2006 22:33

I've only just seen this and read the thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this Kelly. I hope you can get some sleep tonight and things are sorted out v soon. Hugs.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 22:34

jimjams, I've tried I really have, I jsut need the strength and time to fight it more. He is due back with the paed soon in any case and I think this is all going to give it a huge kick in any case. A lot of work has been done with him - multidisciplinary assessment etc, but it is the finding a name for it bit that is hard.
It is scary actually. I thought the tantrums were developement, but they are saying it might be dietry and he may go back to normal with supplements. I don't want that. He was so withdrawn and passive, I longed for naughtiness, and this is where it got us.

at the moment I feel very isolated and it is just a real support to know that others are there. More than anything else, I need to be able to talk - to keep me sane! I have been msn with gggglimpopo a lot today and she has been wonderful with advice and support. I will try to eat in the morn, will ask aunt to send over soem thepla or soemthing, as I really can't face bread.

OP posts:
Jimjams2 · 07/09/2006 22:37

BIBIC woould be good (see my earlier link). You don't have to fight them. They won't turn you away for financial reasons and they are very good at "hard to dx" cases. You spend 3 days with them, and they are on your side! If you ring them you can have a chat.

That's why I said - give yourself a rest first though, it is really hard when you've been banging your head against a brick wall getting nowhere

xxxxx

PinkTulips · 07/09/2006 22:40

kelly, i don't have anything helpful to add really, just wanted to add my support

anaemia does cause excessive bruising in alot of cases and the doctors will be aware of this and account for it so try not to worry too much. i know it's stressful but hopefully it will all be resolved in a week or two and dp will be back with you.

good luck

fattiemumma · 07/09/2006 22:57

sorry i am coming to this late, i have only got through the first few posts so ezcuse me if i repeat anything.

i worked within youth offending but i have the same basic training as CPT and of course i have freinds in that field.

the most important thing you must do is CALM DOWN.
i know thats easy for me to say but seriously it really is important. answe every question honestly and as clearly as you can. don't try and sexcond guess the sw as it will become obviouse that you are trying to think about your answer's and they will become more suspicious.

secondly, ss are only doing what is in the best interest of your child.
even if they reach the conclusion, rightly or wrongly, that your ds got the bruises because you and your partner have found his behaviour increasingly difficult and you may have been roughrer with him than you ordinarily would have...the most likely event is that he would be returned to you, you will be reffered as a famiky for extra support and you will actual;y get the help you need to deal with your ds's SN.

what will probably happen is that they will keep ds either in hospital or possibly (and don't panic as it will be temporary only)with foster carer's for a few days.
theyw ill use this time to asses your DS. if their assesment of his behaviour matches your own, and if he continues to get bruises because of his poor mobility or from being manhandled becasue of the bahaviour then they will see that it wasn't abuse.

dig out all the reports you have from anyone..and i really do mean ANYONE that has ever laid eye's pn your DP...even as far back as his red clinic book. this will show your attempts to seek help [reviously and will support your side of events.

try and lok at this, and make them see that this is how your looking at this....as if its \ good thing.... finaly the authorities are going to see what your having to deal with and you will finally get some help.

stay calm, get some sleep and try and be as positive as you can

Blu · 07/09/2006 22:58

Kelly, I am happy that your little boy is back home with you. You have had the most horrible horrible time and I hope that slowly but surely this painful mess can clear into something which gives you all the support you need.
Rest a little easier tonight if you can.
DHs aunt sounds a gem.

fattiemumma · 07/09/2006 23:06

finally scrolled down to see that he has been returned (hoorah)

don't panic about dp. i am sure that the final putcpme will be that he has parenting classes and further support from ss...possibly anger managment. it may stick in his throat but it is all good in the long run to learn these skills.

from what i have read it doesn't sound as if your dp is abusive, just very tired and having to deal with a very vhallenging boy. he may have been a little too rough at bedtime if he had lost his temper.....that doesn't make him abusive, just in need of support.

good luck with it all.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 23:09

fattiemumma, i appreciate your advice, but I updated at 8.04 pm and maybe that has changed the situation a bit? I am trying to stay calm but like u are saying it is so hard. All I want to do is take ds and the others and cuddle them up with me. They are goin on and on abt child protection and every instinct in me wants to protect him from THeM!

jj, I think it was peachyuclair who also recomended bibic to me. I have the dvd and info from them. I was hoping the current paed (from back to earlier this year) would get somewhere with him and we were waiting for more appointments this autumn. but if this new situation doesn't accelerate things then I will go to bibic, even if I have to pay. I feel desperate, and now it is for the family as well as for ds. ds was slowly making progree, but god knows what this has done to him.

I am goin to mention the aneamia issue tomorrow, as nobody told me that it could cause excessive bruising. They took 12 samplers from him today and I think there is a good reason that could show up something in any case. they have observed how easily he bruises from his short stay there.

OP posts:
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