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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
saggarmakersbottomknocker · 07/09/2006 17:53

Kelly - thinking of you. Hope you get him home today.

princessmel · 07/09/2006 18:14

Kelly, I dont have any new advice really but just wanted to add that my ds 3.5yrs brusies really easily too.
Last term his pre school teachers called me in to ask about them and why he had them and how he got them etc. It was awful and I was devestated. He is just very boistrous, always rushing around and quite boney - not much padding. I spoke to my HV straight away and she said I should see GP to rule out medical reason. I did and he was fine.

It was very stressful and I can symathise with a bit of how you must be feeling . Hope things work out.

frumpygrumpy · 07/09/2006 18:39

Kelly honey, I'm home and about to start baths. Let me know if I can do something, hard so very far away but can I bung some dosh in an envelope tomorrow to pay for cabs?

marthamoo · 07/09/2006 18:42

I don't have any advice or experience to offer, just wanted to offer my sympathy too and I hope you have your family back together asap. Thank goodness for Mumsnet - some excellent advice and support on here today.

littleducks · 07/09/2006 19:00

Kelly so sad to hear that this is happening to you, hope that things are progressing favoureably, as you know im not that far away so if i can help in any way will do so just let me know, im sorry i dont have car atm to take you to hospital or i would but i could do anything else.

Twiglett · 07/09/2006 19:01

I couldn't read without posting my support .. but can offer no advice as it is out of my realm of experience .. I hope you find the advice here useful

SparklyGothKat · 07/09/2006 19:20

Kelly, I wanted to tell you something, I haven;t read the whole thread though. My Dd1 has Sn and has volient outbursts, she regularly attacks her siblings. about 2 years ago, I had to take my youngest dd to the hospital. While we were there, the sister in charge. noticed that dd2 had stratch marks and extensive buising. We were reported to SS, because the hospital didn;t believe that a 4 year old could cause that. Anyway, a SW came and done an assessment on the family and they also contacted the schools and nursery. The social worker realised that it was, in fact, Dd1 that had caused the bruising and stratch marks and we were discharged. As a result though we did get respite care for DD1.
Hope this helps you
My thoughts are with you
xxx

mummyhill · 07/09/2006 19:27

Every parents worst nightmare I hope you get it all sorted out.

jofeb04 · 07/09/2006 19:57

Kelly,
So sorry to hear this.

Hows your ds now, is he home with you?

Thoughts are with you,

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 20:04

Thank you all so much for your support.

I jsuyt wanted to say firstly, that other parents who are worrying about bruises on their children - please don't. I have been told several times over that the bruises alone wouldn't have araised an issue, it is the comments that ds made that have taken everything to this level.

_
Update

The good news is that all my children are all back home with me. the dts are asleep in bed now, and ds1 and dd are now eating their tea.

Dp isn't allowed near dd or ds1 at all, and is only allowed supervised contact with the dts. His aunt has signed as the supervisor.

ds has been looked at by a gp, a registrar specialising in abuse, and then a consultant paediatrician specialist. He has had loads of bloods, phtos, has to go back tomorrow for xrays. God I don't know where to start. They said they were happy that most of the bruising is caused by rough and tumble. They have identified three areas whcih look like handprints. They are all about the same age, so prob all happened when ds had the tantrum. Despite our pov, they are viewing it as excessive force atm. They have taken photographs and had interviews with both ds and dd. Following the interviews it really seems that there are relationship problems between dp and the kids. I think there are more issues that they are not tellign me about. I'm in the dark really.

I know that dp is not an abusive parent. I do think there are realtionship problems between him and ds and dd that need looking at. Since the dts were born, a huge amount of our time and energy is taken up with them. So they lost out on nearly all the fun time wiht him and now their perception of him has changed.

SS are happy with my relationship with them. They have foudn that ds is aneamic, and also deficient in vitamin D and calcium. They are thinking that this may be in part due to quite a large part of our diet being asian based, soem aspects of inhibit the intake of these, plus the lack of red meat. I thought he had a good diet, and I don't think two weeks in spain eating rubbish prob helped with these test results. He will be on supplements and I am going to keep a diet sheet to show what he is eating and hope that helps.

They are also looking at offering me help and also investigating ds further. The paed was only looking at the bruising and stated that he was delayed before she was even told, so that shows the extent of his problems a bit.

They might be charging dp. They are lookign at everything and the police need to talk to him and then take it from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 20:04

I don't know how much of that makes sense. My head is spinning. I haven't eaten for 36 hours now, and had 4 hours broken sleep.

OP posts:
trinityrhino · 07/09/2006 20:06

so glad to hear that they are all at home with you. hope evrything turns out as you want it to

MoreTeaAnyone · 07/09/2006 20:07

Glad the family are all together at home. I hope everything will be resolved as soon as possible.

JuA · 07/09/2006 20:10

Kelly - hope things are getting sorted out for you. Don't have any advice but just wanted to say I hope your ds is safely back home with you all. Take Care of yourself.

Marina · 07/09/2006 20:11

Kelly, I've only just seen this whole thread, I'm so sorry you've been having such a dreadful time. It's good you have all your children home now with you and that your relationship with them is not under scrutiny any more. Is dp with his aunt for now until they decide whether to charge him?
Sending you lots of love and support, could not read without posting, but have nothing much helpful to add Is there another adult with you for company in the house?

gothicmama · 07/09/2006 20:12

Thank you for the update stay strong for teh kids

Mhamai · 07/09/2006 20:12

Kelly, so glad the little uns are with you, you must be shattered, realy hope things work out for you.

stitch · 07/09/2006 20:16

kelly, ive just seen this thread.
words fail me.
youre a lovely mom, with lovely children. youre doing a fantastic job with them , and all the other issues in your life that ive picked up on in the year and a half ive 'known you'

is the problem coz your dp isnt the biological dad for the other two? do you think your ex may hhhave a hand in this?

you used to live near me, i know youve moved. can i bring you some food round? is your dp's aunt there?
i just dont know what to say. lots of hugs and support.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 20:17

I am alone. I don't have many local friends in rl. WE have lived here since oct, and it has been slow going. I don't have family here. his aunt has been supporting me too, but she is home with dp now.

thanks for the good wishes.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 07/09/2006 20:17

So sorry to hear you're going through this, Kelly. I'm glad all the kids are home with you now though. Has dp gone to stay with a friend?

I don't know a lot about child protection social work- not my specialism- but I do know that the way you are staying calm and cooperating- and acknowledging that parts of what the social workers are saying make sense while being clear that other parts don't at all- will make a massive difference. It's very brave not to get defensive and kick the lot of them to the kerb and I really believe that your approach pull you together as a family and mean that you find some positives from a really distressing situation. I hope you will get lots and lots of support with ds's special needs and with the relationship between the older kids and dp from here on in. Lots of love to you. xxxxxxx

stitch · 07/09/2006 20:24

is your dp with you ?
where is he if not staying with you?
do you have any friends at all in rl who can come round and make sure you eat something? i know your dp's aunt has been round, but i think you need some support as well.
if no one in rl can come, then pleasestay online and let mnetterssupport you.

are the kids in bed?
if so, go and get something from the fridge, stick in the microwave, and eat.
i will be back in half an hour. please tell me you have eaten.

the kids need you to be strong for them

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 07/09/2006 20:33

Kelly, I wish I were near you so that I could pop round and give you a huge hug for being so brave. you've done really well, this must have been a nightmare day, but all the kids back with you- that has to be the most important thing doesn't it?

Now, you must go and eat something so that you have the energy to continue to be there for your family.

If he is anaemic, then htere is a chance he bruised with very little contact (I remember when I had anameia in my early twenties gently knocking myself on a bedstaed and ending up in a&e with full leg bruising). However, as you say it may be there are concerns, and these do need to be sorted.

I wish you lucky and I am sure I would not be as brave as you in your circumstances.

X

mummyhill · 07/09/2006 20:33

Hope you can get this resolved hun. Will be thinking of you. We had a run in with SS earlier this year, a 'friend' decided that to help a person with pnd you report them to ss (for not feeding the kids properly, having an untidy home and being in debt, any fool can see these kids are well fed). We cooperated fully with ss and luckily they signed it all off in 4 weeks. However should anyone else decide to have a pop and point them in our direction it will be 100% worse.

I have an idea of what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Stay strong and every time they say jump ask how high and then jump 4ft higher.

Astrophe · 07/09/2006 20:35

Kelly, where do you live?

frumpygrumpy · 07/09/2006 20:42

Kelly darling, please get your oldest two into bed soon, then eat and get to bed yourself as soon as you can. Your body needs both in big quantities when you are dealing with all this.

I'm glad he's home, even if it means at the expense of DP being away, its better DS1 is home. I know exactly how hard it is to have the old chestnut "quality time" once the DTs arrive, and its only natural that DP will have a different relationship with your older two. Maybe he has issues there or maybe he's just normal and struggling to deal with the daily stresses esp since your DS1 has his own issues. Whatever, you are a wonderful mum, doing your best and don't forget it. If any good can come of it all its that DS1 will hopefully get the attention you have been calling out for for a long long time. You have felt something in your gut about it for ages and I hope he can be diagnosed (or not) and let you know how to travel forward.

Honey, please say if I can do something. Can I pop some cash in the post? I know thats perhaps a crude offer but its sorely meant and even if it just buys fish and chips and a taxi fare it will be worth it. Let me know.

Now eat something, anything, and get into bed, breathe in and out deeply and tell yourself it will all be different very soon. No matter how awful and alien this all feels it will change. Take the best care of you honey XXXX.