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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 14/09/2006 09:49

He had to go in at 8.30 this morning. Sitting here worried sick. The children are at school/childminders so I am on my own.

OP posts:
leander · 14/09/2006 09:53

good luck for today Kelly, I hope everything works out and your family is back together soon xx

frumpygrumpy · 14/09/2006 11:16

Luck to you Kelly x. Will be watching to see how you get on.

ScummyMummy · 14/09/2006 11:30

Have my fingers tightly crossed for you, Kelly. So hope they will deal with dp as helpfully as humanly possible for you guys as a family.

Overrun · 14/09/2006 14:10

Hi Kelly, how did it go with the police?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 14/09/2006 15:46

Hello.

It was a nightmare, poor dp was arrested, stuck in a cell then questioned for 2.5 hours. He has now been released on police bail. The detective then called me. Basically the are trying to establish if he intentionally held him too tight, or if it was accidental. They want to speak to me next. I was there at the time, I know dp never intended to hurt him, and never would. Plus the sol says that in his opinion there isn't enough evidence to prove otherwise. So things are looking much more positive, though it is going to be a bit longer before we get a def answer. My main worry was that he could be prosecuted even if he didn't mean it, but it has to be intentional excessive force.

I just want to get past all this and concentrate on the kids. It is looking very likely that ds ha fragile x, and has a blood test booked for monday.

OP posts:
Overrun · 14/09/2006 16:09

Hi Kelly,
that sounds very traumatic for your dp, and of course you. I hope that I haven't missed an important bit of the thread, but have to fess that I don't know what fragile x is? Is is serious, can it be treated etc
How do you feel now that you are closer to a diagnosis.
By the way excessive force (intended or otherwise) is very hard to prove, esp if you as a witness didn't think there was anything untoward. As long as they see you as credible (which they seem to), then this will certainly go in his favour

ScummyMummy · 14/09/2006 16:57

That's interesting about the fragile x Kelly. How are you feeling about that? I've worked with some kids with fragile x (all utterly fab and great as it happens) Have you been given any info on it yet or do you not want to go there until after the blood test?

Really sorry to hear that the arrest process was so stressful for dp. But if the test is intention to harm it sounds like he will be ok from everything you've said on here. Really hope that the process will draw to a close once that's established.

serenity · 14/09/2006 17:04

Sorry, lurking and had to look it up too

fragile x

Glad things are looking a little brighter Kelly

NappiesGalore · 14/09/2006 17:30

hi kelly - seems like hopefully the worst is soon over... fingers are still crossed for you that everything will be back on track soon, that whatever ds's needs are, they are met soon and that you start to get the support you and your family need, rather than ill-founded (though presumably well intentioned) accusations.

xx

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 14/09/2006 18:03

we had looked at these things before. epilepsy was dismissed completely, as he wasn't really going totally out of it then, and fragile x was mentioned as really to rule it out with suspected autism. tbh I went on that site back then and thought there is no way that ds is like that!
But looking back at some old photos, he does have facial characteristics typical of fragile x, even though I can't see it in him now iykwim. In older photos it is easier to see, when I look at him now I jsut see J. I went on that site again last night and some of it made we turn really cold. Especially the things about epilepsy and temper tantrums etc. The thought that he may have fragile x scares me, because I always hoped that his sn would be soemthing that he would overcome. He is developementally delayed, but I guess I hoped he would just catch up once he got help. I really would love to get an explanation though. His blood test is on monday, but it will take at least a couple of weeks for results. I'm waiting for an EMI appointment too.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 14/09/2006 18:08

Hi Kelly, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your family at what must be an incredibly stressful time. I haven't any useful advice to give, but I wish you the very best outcome from all this. You've done so well to stay calm and get this far - hang in there!

MarsLady · 14/09/2006 18:13

Hi Kelly

Glad things are looking up for you babe. Now... are you eating? Are you sleeping? Big hugs to your DP too.

ScummyMummy · 14/09/2006 18:42

Kelly hon- fragile x is a spectrum condition and affects different children in different ways. Don't scare yourself too much with the stories on websites if you can help it. Your little boy may be affected very differently from any of the kids you read about if he does turn out to have it. The kids I worked with who had fragile x were all doing really well in their own particular ways, btw. I do remember one who had very specific, passionate tantrums, actually. He was a lovely kid once you got a handle on him. I know all this is easy for me to say and no one wants anything to be wrong with their children- parents of kids with special needs I've talked to have all said it's really really hard when their kids get a diagnosis. But, on the slighhtly brighter side, any sort of diagnosis will hopefully really work as a signpost for you and dp so that you can develop some more strategies that meet his particular needs. And he will still be your gorgeous little boy and grow and develop in all sorts of brilliant ways no matter what diagnoses he gets or doesn't get.

frumpygrumpy · 14/09/2006 19:58

Hi Kelly, that's sad for you and your DP. Quite an ordeal. I hope it wraps up quickly now. At least you were there and that must stand for something. Interesting reading about fragile x. I think to get a proper diagnosis and forward plan for DS1 would be such a leap forward. I wish it could all come quicker for you. How is your DP feeling? Whats your plan tonight? I've been promising myself an early early night for days and days and its not happened so I'm off to get through the remaining jobs and cook for 1 (maybe a baked potato so that it cooks while I'm busy). Hope your eating plan is going smoothly, it really is the best way of getting your body back into line and sleeping soundly again. Take care.

ScummyMummy · 16/09/2006 00:11

How're things Kelly? Hope it's been a good day.

CJinSussex · 16/09/2006 01:15

Kelly - I've just answered you on the thread worm thread. As if you haven't enough on your plate! Fingers crossed for a good diagnosis - but whatever the outcome, at least you can start learning about it and getting some support with it. And being able to act on something always makes it easier. Hugs all round.

frumpygrumpy · 16/09/2006 10:58

How's things Kelly?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 11:03

Hello everyone,
I haven't posted because I've been fighting demons. After the police spoke to dp I found out soem of the allegations that the children have made. There is mroe truth in them than I realised. I feel sick, stupid. Dp has been bullying them, behind my back and I haven't realised. IU knew they were wary of him, but it looks like they are downright scared of hiim. Though he hasn't actually abused them in a criminal sense, he has been bloody horrible to them. It has all got waay out of hand. He is young doesn't have a clue, but that doesn't really excuse this.
So now I don't know what to do. I don't thinkt here will be criminal proceedings, as he hasn't done anything criminal. But where the hell do I go from here? I don't want the twins to lose their dad. dd and ds1 don't want him back. He is contrite and wants to work through this but I don't know. It jsut gets worse

OP posts:
Blu · 16/09/2006 11:10

kelly, i feel very sad for you, what a horrible thing to discover.

Can SS refer you all to family therapy? I know our local NHS Trust have a community service with a really nie centre where families can go.

Would your DP be willing to go through counselling? Does he have jealousy issues with the children, or anger management problems, or do you think he is just imature and would benefit from parenting classes?

or won't he accept any support? This must have given him a right jolt.

waterfalls · 16/09/2006 11:11

A child should never be frightened in thier own home, dont know what to advise, maybe your dp should move out in the meantime and perhaps attend an anger management course, and a parenting course.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 16/09/2006 11:13

He is def not ocming back here in the near future. At elast 6 months, no matter what happens. He is prepared to do whatever it takes, I do think he would benefit from parenting courses and have told the ss that.
It's jsut that I am so guilty of not seeign this and not protecting my kids, I don't know if it woud be right to take him back. They are so happy and relaxed atm.

OP posts:
waterfalls · 16/09/2006 11:19

Its a positive thing that your dp wants to help himself, do not blame yourself, when we have no reason to suspect something we are not likely to see it.
I think you have done the right thing, and in the future if you decide to take him back, introduce it slowly and , and make sure he regains your childrens trust before and if he moves back in.

frumpygrumpy · 16/09/2006 11:24

Kelly darling, this is hard. But you are a lovely mum and your first responsbility is to them. I'm pleased your DP wants to work through this. I struggle with my responsbilities and I'm nearly ten years older than him! I have to run but I'll be back as soon as I can.xxxxx

suejoneziscalmernow · 16/09/2006 11:36

I haven;t posted on this before but just wanted to say that guilt is the least constructive thing you can feel now (easier said than done - I know). Feel glad that it came out into the open now and not further down the line, glad that your DH is agreeing to move out and will do whatever is necessary. Reassure the children that nothing will hapen about their father moving back without them agreeing 100% - they will gain enormously from your absolute support from them.

Don't worry about whether you should or shouldn't have your DH back in the home just now, thats in the future. Just take all the help and support you can get and make things right for your children. You sound like a very caring mother and I wish you all the best.