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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 14:30

good luck with the op overrun, hope it isn't anythign major.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 11/09/2006 14:37

Hi Kelly. I'm just leaving for school. So, its good and bad news then. Hopefully ss will have some news about when your DP can get home again. I'm glad the headteacher is understanding, you are doing your best and thats all anyone can hope for. Stay strong lovely girl.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 14:45

whoops jsut realised postded dd names on here

OP posts:
TheBlonde · 11/09/2006 14:47

If you click the ! next to your post you can get the mumsnet team to delete it for you

ScummyMummy · 11/09/2006 15:26

Hope the social workers can give you some idea of what the process will be like over the next few days, Kelly. Don't be afraid to ask them what's happening and tell them what you'd like to happen/ ask about things that are worrying you. Hope dd1 will be able to get back to school tomorrow. And v pleased for the long term that ds1 isn't severely anaemic or calcium deficient- I know that it may make things harder to expolain but it does rule out a few nasty reasons for him bruising easily at least. I think Mondays are always difficult and the more so when you are in the middle of something like this... Hope things improve through the week.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 18:23

thanks theblonde, and mn for deleting it.

it's been another long day, but the end of the tunnel is starting to appear. I was up the hospital for most of the day. More blood results are back, and they have decided that he isn't calcium deficient, only slightly anaemic and so he is jsut on iron supplements. This is prob due to lack of red meat. There is no medical reason for him bruising easily. His xrays have also come back now, and they are also clear.

I am immensely relieved that ds doesn't have anything medically wrong with him, but this also confirms that dp was holding him too tightly . SS are basically saying that he isn't beating the children but he is handlign them too roughly. This is so hard to face up to and to psot. I feel angry, upset, guilty.

Dp is stressed but I never realised he was finding it this hard to keep a rein on things. He and I need to sit down and have a long chat about everything. I know he lvoes the children dearly and woud never mean them any harm, but this stops NOW, I can't let my children be hurt or feel the way I do about him.

Four kids inc dts and one with sn is hard, and the only good thing is that hopefully we will all get more help now. things are being pushed with ds sn. His paed may be able to bump up the speech and language and physio and he is going to have an emi(?) scan for epilepsy too. hopefully they will also help with childcare for the dts so that I can physically deal with these things. the ss have said that they will be able to give us help in sorting out dp's relationship with dd and ds1, though I am not sure what help this will be.

things should be a bit calmer now. ds doesn't have to go back to the hospital for a good few weeks now. the police will be speaking to dp in the next day or two. I am worried about that, but really that is for him to deal with. we will have the child protection hearing or whatever it is in a few weeks.

I do feel less stressed now, jsut worn out and shell shocked really. I never thought things were this bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 18:24

the way they do about him

OP posts:
jura · 11/09/2006 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throckenholt · 11/09/2006 18:28

is dp allowed to come back home yet - or does that wait for the hearing ?

Overrun · 11/09/2006 18:33

kelly really glad that ds is medically fit, but appreiciate this has had an impact on the case from your partners point of view.
These are really big issues to grapple with, and hard whatever stance you take. i do think your willingness to ask dp to move out temporarily will go in your favour. As hard as it is to do, it will help with ssd risk assessment of the situation.
Sorry it has taken this to get the help you need, but hope that it helps. I am around this evening and tomorrow until lunchtime but then off for my op. Just a minor one, so nothing to worry about, thanks for asking though

PeachyClairHasBadHair · 11/09/2006 18:54

Handling too roughly is vastly better than intentionally planning abuse, surely? yes there may be anger issues which need dealing with, but that's infinitely better than him being evil?

Thinking of you kellyX

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 19:07

whether or not dp will be allowed back should come out after he has spoken to the police. I jsut want to take a big step back and take things slowly. dp is only 24, four kids isn't something he ever imagined this early. I want to rebuild the relationship again from the beginnign and take things more slowly. He is fine at his family's house and I will be fine here, with help. I do miss him, but the kdis come first and it is important for us all as a family that we get this sorted out.

It must be, pc. It's strange because I don't think of him as an angry person. He is jsut stressed, and if he isn't here full time I hope that soem of htat will be allieviated. Apart from when I am studying we are in each other's pockets most of the time, and I think maybe that needs to change. I am scared of losing him, and jsut hope we can get through this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 19:09

Im scared of losing him, because he won't liek that I do want to take things slowly.

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Overrun · 11/09/2006 20:01

thats hard for you Kelly, how long have you been with your partner?

gothicmama · 11/09/2006 20:03

Kelly you are doing really well- I'm sure your partner will want to do what is best and as you have said help is there for all to access

Blu · 11/09/2006 20:07

Kelly, I think you are being really really brilliant and strong and intelligent about this. If your dp looks into himself and knows that he has perhaps rough handled a bit (and many many parents would be lying to themseleves if they said they hadn't), and is prepared to work with you on ways to alleviate the tremendous stress you both operate on, then he will understand that YOU need to know that he is dealing with it, and his love for you will give him patience and direction.

I think it must be very very hard for step-parents, who haven't grown with their children from birth, and twins and a child with SN is a big challenge. I couldn't have coped without stress when i was 24, and couldn't now. I am sure he is not an evil man. But obviously as a family you need some sympathetic and constructive support.

you are sounding SO clear and strong and brilliant.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 20:45

3.5 years, overun.

OP posts:
superwomanStitch · 11/09/2006 20:49

kelly, i think you are being very strong. but i think that you have to be. for your kids sake.
good luck

Overrun · 11/09/2006 20:52

Thats a long time, after all you have coped with together, I'm sure that this will be okay. It must be a shock that you didn't pick up on this before, but then, hey, when you are as busy as you are, I think it is hard to be aware of all the dynamics in the family iyswim

frumpygrumpy · 11/09/2006 20:53

Kelly darling, you know from my posts on the multiples thread that I find dealing with my DTs and my DD challenging, exhausting and it sometimes pushes me to my limits. I've shouted too loudly, I've smacked when I didn't want/mean to, I've regretted. Its heaven and hell all rolled into one.

You are absolutely doing the right thing and handling it just the right way. IMHO it is disgraceful that you have had little help with DS1 SN and I really hope that this will be fasttracked and that, once you know what you are dealing with, you can settle into a new routine for him.

It is wholly understandable that your DP is perhaps struggling with these responsibilities, the frustration that builds up when you are thinking about too many things takes over. We have MN, its a life saver, direct him on!! Don't ever feel bad about posting about this - you have heaps on your plates and you are doing your best. The important thing is to find a way forward that makes a difference and that everyone is happy with.

You mentioned way down this thread that financially things were difficult too. Please don't overlook this - when its an issue its the easiest one to ignore.

I'm not meaning to tell you what to do, I guess I just wish I could help somehow. Don't dare beat yourself up about any of this, you have done nothing wrong. You can change nothing, you can only go forward.

Sending you love honey x.

Overrun · 11/09/2006 21:06

I agree with FrumpyGrumpy, I have had so many moments, it is so stressful sometimes. Men find it harder to talk about things, and this might lead to things bottling up inside them.
I swear I get too rough with my twins putting them in their bl*dy car seats. They struggle and I have to just use full force to get them in, we all do it. I wouldn't be suprised if I have bruised their arms sometimes. I havne't noticed that, but then kids are covered in bruises all the time.
God, as you know they beat the crap out of each other on a daily basis, its hard to know which bite mark, bruise, cut came from where

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 21:08

hi fg. I know what you mean about the finances thing. I haven't checked my bank balance for days, but I must be saving a fortune on food anyway! We were in the process of sorting out finances before this happening and we willg et that sorted, jsut don't need huge legal bills. I think dp's family will help if it comes to it though. I don't think it will now though. I hope not.

I just need to get me sorted out too. I still can't eat. I'm nto so stressed now so don't know why I am still struggling so much. I made myself soem food, ate about two bites then couldn't manage any more. I want to eat now because I feel like crap and now can't.

I'm also debating whether to try to ditch the sleeping tablets 2n. I don't want to get dependant on them or mess up my sleepign rythmns. I'm also planning to save one for the night before the hearing or I will prob be up all that night worrying. I just don't want to be awake all ngiht tonight neither, and if I don't take it in the next hour or so then I can't take it at all, because will still be working too late tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 21:10

i forgot u had dts overun! I really am losing it.
I knwo what you mean about the car seats. mine keep pulling their arms out of their straps and I have to fight to get them back in, and I worry I am hurting them or going to pull an arm out of it's socket one of these days. They will keep tryng to escape and it terrifies me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 11/09/2006 21:10

they found a dt bite on ds too! they saw the teeth marks but could clearly see it was one of his siblings.

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Blu · 11/09/2006 21:14

On Supernanny last week there wa a woman who put her DS back to bed 98 times. She was definitely throwing him after the first few times....I can't belive anyone had no sympathy for the woman, it made me uncomfortable to watch, but not a peep of public complaint afterwards. it's a hard hard thing to manage. She was struggling physically with her 7 year old daughter, who must have had ruises in her arms...I'm not saying it's ok, but it's certainly indicative of stress and very difficult situations. She wasn't an 'eveil' woman, she was desparate, stressed, and trying to achieve peace and order for her family.

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