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Original poster

Please help me, social services have taken ds1 and are breaking our family up

508 replies

Kelly1978 · 07/09/2006 09:15

I am desperate and don't know what to do. I have been up all night, throwing up, not eaten since yesterday.

It all started monday. ds has special needs, I have been trying to get him help for years. He is 4. he had an almighty tantrum, the only way we could deal with it is to put him in bed to calm down. He went to school yesterday and lifted his tshirt to show lots of bruises and said dp threw him on the bed.

SS came round, said I had to take him top the gp immediately. The gp was concerned and referred him to the hospital, where he still is. He has seen a paed who is saying they are not consistant with normal rough and tumble, and that most of the bruises are around 2 weeks old - from when we are on holiday.

Nobody is abusing him. They came back and checked the other three and they don't have a mark on them - ds is the only one with special needs and this problem. He is very clumsy. He bruised himself three times in front of them yesterday but they still don't believe me.

Nothing I can say to them is convincing them. I am facing losing ds, or my dp, or god knows. I can't cope with this, we have done nothing wrong. All along we have been trying to help him. He is still waiting for physio.

I am waiting for dp's aunt to go up there today when we should get results of blood tests to see if they show any medical reason for excessive bruising. If not they are going to assume it is abuse.

Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do, I can't live without my family around me, I feel absolute desperate. My thoughts are runnign between ending it all, and skipping the country. I don't see anyway out.

OP posts:
MarsLady · 08/09/2006 23:38

kelly.... just found this and read the whole thing.

I hope that you are managing to eat. Be careful with the sleeping pills as they can often disturb your sleeping patterns etc. (I've been reading that sleep book that you recommended. V good!)

Now... what can I do? Like FG... can pop something in the post or paypal. Can try and find time to pop up to you for a day just to give you a hand.

Have you also talked to your HV etc about the pressure of having twins? I mean in the sense that they are so all consuming simply because there are two of them and that they are so young. Also, keep notes. Take notes at all your meetings. I remember my sister being accused of causing my niece to be sexually active (turned out her temporary childminder was going through some problems and needed the attention). We made notes at every meeting to be sure to remember what had been said.

As so many people have said, the key is to remain calm. Whilst I know that it is frightening for you and your DP, they are simply trying to establish that all is well with and for the children. I'm sorry that your DP has to be apart from his family. I know (from your posts on the multiple threads etc) that you are a loving family.

It breaks my heart to read this. I wish there was something that I could do right now to help. I can pop up on Monday or Wednesday next week (as long as my client doesn't decide that that is when she should finally give birth).

Know that you have my love, support and prayers. You can email me for my home number and you can feel free to use it whenever you want.

Hold on in there darling.....AND EAT SOMETHING!

LieselVonTrapp · 08/09/2006 23:41

I have passed this a couple of times and dotn know what to say other than Im thinking of you and your family. (((Hugs)))

ScummyMummy · 09/09/2006 12:48

Hope today is going well, Kelly.

Overrun · 09/09/2006 15:11

Kelly1978,
Sorry you and your family are having such an awful time. I hope that it resolves for you all, in the way you want. Like other people have said, the allegations of abuse will hopefully be dealt with, and what you will be left with is more help, and maybe a diganosis.
I try not to admit that I am a social worker on here,for fear of a backlash! I'm a psychiatric one, but do have some child protection experience as well. I also worked in a children with disabilities team many years ago. I might be able to talk things through with you if you want to cat me.
Having said that I think for what it's worth you have received some really good advice so far, and there may not be much that I can add.

throckenholt · 09/09/2006 18:48

Hi Kelly,

I hope today things have settled a bit, and that you have stopped feeling sick.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 09/09/2006 19:00

Hello everyone. The sleeping tablets really worked, though they made me feel peculiar. They seem very strong, I didn?t realise until I started driving and nearly caused a pile up that I was still spaced out. I?m going to take one 2n, but probably won?t be able to after that, because I have to drive early in the mornings

I'm stopped feeling sick, jsut have no appetite whatsoever. I'm not good with food when I am stressed. Smoking too much prob doesn't help neither.

I spent the morning still making phone calls and trying to sort more things. I've never spent so much time on the phone, I hate it anyway with my hearing impairment. I?m supposed to be doing an OU law degree, but obviously I can?t study with all this going on. I'm trying to submit special circumstnaces. I had a childminder take dd and ds this afternoon for a few hours and the dts have gone to dp?s family, so I?ve had a break and time to talk with dp. The CM was lovely, a lady with years of experience and absolutely wonderful at making sure that I was relaxed with leaving the dkids with her.

Now the initial shock is over, my biggest concern is wrong with ds. I don?t understand the deficiencies he has, as he does have a good diet, I discussed it with the HV. So there must be some reason why he isn?t absorbing the nutrients. There is also the possibility of epilepsy to look into, and I?m hoping to push for a physio to look at him rather than sitting on the waiting list, because he has already been described as floppy when he had the multi-disciplinary. I feel because outwardly he seems pretty healthy but he clearly isn?t. I think I need to make a long list to take to the hosp on Monday.

I?m now trying to make records of everything and also keeping track of accidents and things. He fell over yest and put four teeth marks into his tongue with blood pouring out. I guess I have gotten used to it, but now I am watching him like a hawk and paying much more attention to it, it is shocking how much he does hurt himself. I mean I knew he was clumsy, but I think it has gotten worse.

Thank you for offers of help. Overrun I will prob cat you next week. After 2.5 days of social services constantly with me, and going over it over and over in my head to the point where I feel I am going crazy I?m trying to relax a little bit and get away from that aspect for a bit and concentrate on what ds needs. No doubt Monday it will all get fuller on again and I will be grateful for the chance to talk.

mars, will email you.

OP posts:
Overrun · 09/09/2006 19:07

Kelly, glad that you are feeling less sick, and calmer. Also that you had a chance to talk to your dp, who must be going through a lot right now.
It sounds positive to me that you are now concentrating on your ds and what possible medical problems he might have, know that you have been worried for long time, but this might really get things moving in terms of getting appropriate help
Please do CAT me next week, very happy to talk about things, wont' know how your local authority works, but have some knowledge of child protection legislation, but most importantly know the culture of SSD and how these things tend to pan out.

CJinSussex · 09/09/2006 23:16

Get you supermum. Well done on the record keeping - it'll be helpful for you & any health professionals DS sees in the future as well as the current case with social services. I'm hoping this will all end well. Have a nice zzzzzz.

ScummyMummy · 09/09/2006 23:29

Sounds like everything's going well, considering. Great news.

Saturn74 · 09/09/2006 23:43

Take care, Kelly. I hope you manage to get a good sleep tonight.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 10/09/2006 11:04

Hi Kelly - hope you got a decent sleep.

Good idea about the records keeping. Make a list of all your questions for tomorrow and also it might be an idea to ask to be copied in on any clinic letters. Start a file of your own. You can get copies of ds's medical records too from the hospital. Just a thought.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 10/09/2006 11:11

I have been nmaking lots of notes this morning.

I feel crap though. Went to bed last night at 3, woke up at 8. I felt more positive yest, and today I've gone right down again. still can't eat, I knwo I need to, but I jsut can't face food and so I have no strength. The dts are at dp's aunts, as he prob wiont get much chance to see them next week when I have to get them back into routine, and do hosp trips etc. plus there is no way I could cope witht hem right now. I don't know what I am going to do, I can't carry on like this, I jsut hope we get soem progress soon.

OP posts:
MarsLady · 10/09/2006 11:16

Kelly........... GO AND MAKE BREAKFAST RIGHT NOW! Don't worry that you can't eat all of it. Just make some and try a spoonful or two. Don't worry that you don't feel like it. You NEED to eat to keep up your strength for your children. So.... think of it as a necessary evil.

Don't make me leave my 4,000 word essay and come over there.........(of course should you want me to leave my looooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggg 4,000 word essay.............)

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 10/09/2006 11:26

hello mars

Ive still nto managed to get through to my tutor. I spoke to the regional center and they said I really need to try to submit something for the last tma (due next wed) but I don't think I am going to be able to. I think it is down the pan, but I can retake.

I don't know why I am so down again. I guess I am running out of things to do, so end up jsut sitting here thinking and getting upset. dp family will prob send over soem kitchuri later and will try to eat that. I can afford to lose weight anyway.

Now, Back To Work and stop stalking!

OP posts:
edam · 10/09/2006 11:29

Kelly, make yourself a milkshake or some soup -the kind of food you've give someone who was ill. And make yourself drink it! Dealing with this will be even harder if you don't have enough energy.

MarsLady · 10/09/2006 11:31

Right.... gotta change that attitude and get back to the positive one that was peeping through.

I know it's not easy... but what about writing a paragraph for your TMA? Just to take your mind somewhere else for a short while. The whole point of the degree is to make life a little better for you (unless you chose a law degree for fun).

We need to get you focussing on small positives. Oh and if you don't eat..... I won't study! How's that for blackmail?!!!!!!!!!!(And I really want to pass this exam.... don't make me not study Kelly.... no pressure babe! )

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 10/09/2006 11:40

I'm looking at the tma, it a 3000 word nightmare, and I haven't even completed the work that was leading up to it. Plus I don't know if I will get any chance to finish it. I am going to try though, I have nothing else to do. maybe then I will feel like food. soup is a good idea.

Now go back to work! if I am working, you have to as well. Or I will sit and mope again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1978 · 10/09/2006 11:41

wt the hell is wrong with me I have bloody dandruff. I've never had it in my life. period arrived too, a week early. aaargh!

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 10/09/2006 11:46

Wow- am in awe of the attempt to do college work when you are feeling down. Go Kelly! When you've done as much as you can how about taking the older kids to the park for a while or just out for a walk if you are getting that anxious thinking in circles feeling? Hang in there- you are doing so well.

ScummyMummy · 10/09/2006 11:48

Arrgh at dandruff! When one of my twins was in hospital with dehydration I broke out in the weirdest hive things you've ever seen. Stress plays hovok with your skin, I guess.

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 10/09/2006 11:54

yeah I have the biggest and ugliest spot ever on my chin too! I know I should go out. I think the thing that is stopping me is that then I won't have anyone aroudn me. I feel isolated as it is, but at least I have msn etc. I'm dreading having to face other parents too, espec at the school gates. Can't do the small talk or the questions atm. Guess will jsut leg it!

OP posts:
PeachyClairHasBadHair · 10/09/2006 11:56

perhaps we should all pop you some home made treats in the post kelly? would that help persuade you to eat? I do a very nice caramel shortbread BTW

ScummyMummy · 10/09/2006 11:57

Why hon? Will they know what's happened?

Original poster
Kelly1978 · 10/09/2006 12:00

I've had to tell one person, who I was supposed to be runnign a mother & Toddler group. Her ds goes to the same school, so it will prob be all round the playground by picking up time as she has close friends with children at the same school.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 10/09/2006 12:00

I mean, I think I see where you're coming from to an extent- I like to burrow away and hide when I'm stressed about stuff. But are you specifically worried that other parents are going to be judging you or just feeling like you're in no mood to be superficially sociable atm? Hope it's the second one...

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