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Original poster

I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

325 replies

Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 20:43

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

OP posts:
mimitwo · 27/07/2006 12:53

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alexsmum · 27/07/2006 12:53

i don't understand why you are getting upset and self pitying. this is a massively long thread with lots of people offereing sympathy and advice.you are choosing not to take any of that advice. this is why people are getting suspicious.

why do her parents have your phone number if you don't know them?

alexsmum · 27/07/2006 12:55

and if people are making your life on mumsnet suck then why come on here? it's not compulsory!

ComeOVeneer · 27/07/2006 12:57

Fine then , as I said if it is true then I apologise, but you should spend time focusing on the advice given.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 12:57

Because DH an her dad are friends and one called the other once...

Oh am I not taking the advice then? I have an HV appt, her parents left to early this morning for me to speak to them, I can't perform miracles..

and as I said, if that handful of people are going to chase me around for the rest of my time on MN then... well.. I'm just fed up with it all.

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 27/07/2006 12:58

I think you are flattering yourself to say people are following you around on mn tbh.

Freckle · 27/07/2006 12:58

If dh and her dad are friends, could he not speak to the dad? Seems the most obvious route to communicating the situation.

compo · 27/07/2006 12:59

If your dh and her dad are friends can't your dh say something to his friend about the situation? After all there not going to be frineds for much longer if you report them to social services so perhaps that should be the first step?

alexsmum · 27/07/2006 12:59

if your dhan dthe dad are friends then that should make it easier to talk to them shouldn't it? whay can't your dh say something?

compo · 27/07/2006 12:59

snap Freckle

mimitwo · 27/07/2006 13:01

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:02

DH refuses to get involved now because he thinks I'm just being wimpy about not closing the door on her.

And I'm not flattering myself... it certainly feels very like there is a handful of people going to make my life here suck...

OP posts:
Bucketsofdinosaurs · 27/07/2006 13:02

As far as I can see the only answer is to knock on the parents door one evening and invite yourself in to talk about her. Say she's becoming a bit of a nuisance and ask what their childcare arrangements are because she's too young to be left alone.
If your child was giving the illusion of neglect or abuse to somebody you'd want them to talk to you first rather than reporting you on a hunch. There may be a perfectly good explanation as Fattiemama's polite note suggests. Don't get your DH to do it because he hasn't witnessed it and don't worry about his friendship with the Dad, it's not as important as the safety of all the kids, is it?
I'm quite surprised how much abuse you've taken from the girl herself, you are the boss of your home FGS. If someone is abusing your children and trashing your house kick them out, don't just hover about making yourself ill. Your kids will be older one day and you'll need to deal with their behavious occasionally so practise saying no on this child.

donnie · 27/07/2006 13:03

why are you so defensive fast asllep? I have no idea what your previous ' mistakes' are and frankly am not interested. I am judging this thread on its own and I'm still not convinced. If your partner and the girl's dad are friends why has your partner not said or done anything?

alexsmum · 27/07/2006 13:05

gosh, despite this girl hitting your kids, trashing your house, and 'stalking ' you with phone calls e-mails et cetc , your dh refuses to help??

convenient.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:05

I do understand your viewpoint BOD but as I've said before I'm worried about the girl and I'm worried that kicking her out will really hurt her.

I'm going to talk to the parents and the HV anyway, DH thinks I should just ignore her until she goes away, which I would, if I didn't think there might be something else going on.. the regression etc really worries me.

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 27/07/2006 13:05

I have apologised (twice), but you seem intent on ignoring that fact, prefering to do the "woe is me" path instead.

Enid · 27/07/2006 13:06

fastasleep the reason this sounds like a wind up is that your dh wont say anything but you say that he is friends with the girls father

Blu · 27/07/2006 13:07

Ok Fastasleep - this is what i think.

You do bear some responsibility for this situation, and you now have a responsibility to act.
You have been given lots of sympathy and support, ands suggestions for courses of action, all of which you seem to think are impossible.

And yet you let this situation develop. Why on earth did you allow her in ONCE MORE after she hurt your children or showed serious signs of disturbance like overturning tables? You let this happen, now because of teh seriousness of it, you have a responsibility to make it stop.

Maybe she tells the parents she is welcome and that you allow her into the house - and why would they think otherwise, sonce you have been taking her places and allowing her in?

You need to clear this up before something serious happens, and it just isn't enough to throw up your hands in despair. If your DP is freindly, get him to talk to them. i just can't see why some terrible neighbour feud would develop (unless the entire family are psychopaths - in which case WHY is your DP freinds?) if you say politely and calmly 'I'm afraid your dd has started to make our house her second home, but I'm afraid i can't offer childcare. Could you tell her, so that she doesn't think i'm being horrible?'

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:07

Because DH is being a useless idiot this week, and he refuses to see why I can't just kick her out. They aren't that friendly, they had one phone conversation about my DH taking some wood from his shed and giving it to her dad so he could fix the wendy house. That's it.

Oh no the doorbell :|

OP posts:
LuluPuiMingPants · 27/07/2006 13:07

Fastasleep I have deliberately not posted on this thread because of how I feel about you. So if you are including me in your handful of people then you can think again.

Oh bugger this stupid name

it is Franny

mimitwo · 27/07/2006 13:07

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Feistybird · 27/07/2006 13:08

good post Blu.

Blu · 27/07/2006 13:08

Sorry - I think that you are acting like a dysfunctional child too.

But glad to hear that you will talk to HV.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 27/07/2006 13:09

I'm not Franny, I know you wouldn't, I still think you're a nice person just didn't want you to think things about me that weren't true but I have had so much bother over trying to get people to understand that I'm not the type of person who would 'damage children'!!! Or do this as a wind up well I've had it up to here and I'm fed up.

OP posts:
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