****Mumsnetter NEEDS a break from her DH, can anyone help??****

[monkeytrousers]

Tamba and her two little ones needs some serious R&R asap. \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=181443\see here}

Lets see what mumsnet can do!

(Hope you don't mind Tamba, I though this might help with the details in thread title)

can i clairfy
you are binning him cos of the strip clubs
or is there more?

anyone?

A lot more cod.

aha

go on

There is something more, I read the other thread a while ago (way before it was linked to this one) and guessed it was Tamba (the spelling gave her away, sorry T ). I can't remember what the actual thing was, but i remember it ran a lot deeper than the strip club thing.

Dh has just bought the boys home and I am up here crying my eyes out again, its just so so hard and i dont think i an do it

I'm really sorry you're going through this, T. You know I'm relatively local, so if you fancy a coffee and a shoulder, you can always email me. Or I'll mail you.

Tamba has posted under another name I think, linked to that other thread, and then asked for it to be deleted. So more to it than just lying about lapdancers :(
Tamba, I can't really offer any advice - but you've had plenty good on here and I suspect your other thread too. So sorry you are having such a hard time :( and wishing you well in sorting it all out.

Thanks for the emails and the offers of coffee etc, I will get back to you put I just cant think straight atm

I seriously just want to run away. Its so hard when hes coming to pick up the kids etc and its fucking my thoughts up. I just need space but I cant tell him not to come over and get the kids because they want to see him and he wants to see them.

I am so tempted to take the easy option and just tell him to come back.

Tamba, having him back wouldn't be the easy option. It would just drag it out even further, there's only so long you could play happy families before it all came bubbling up to the surface again. Try to use this time apart as constructively as you can, find out your rights (financially and otherwise), try to figure out what YOU want (do you see a future with him, after counselling/outside support?).

Tamba hang in there, he'll be on nights soon, and you'll have teh space you need.

I must have fallen asleep cause hes just woken me up. I was in a right state before though so really needed to sleep i think. Still have such a bad headache though. He was supposed to have been gone ages ago but said he came upstairs and I was sleeping so he decided to leave me for a bit (2 hours!)

Hes left now though, and gone back to his moms to get ready for work. Hes on nights for the next 4 nights so the boys will see him between 3.30-4.30 for the next few days.

Also though what has confused me is my dream I had. For ages now I havent wanted him to touch me or have any sort of close contact with me and now I have what I want i dreamed of him kissing me - why???

In response to your query above Tamba; CAB staff use an information system, most of which can be found online at www.adviceguide.org.uk if you want to make a head start. It can be very empowering to know your rights! Remember, unless you have a specific appointment to see a solicitor who will work under the legal franchise scheme, CAB advisers are not legally qualified; if they think you need legal advice (which you will about your housing situation) they should be able to arrange a free consultation for you. They will advise you on your entitlements, but you will then have to apply for whatever benefits you may qualify for yourself. It sounds like you have found yourself in a really difficult situation, I hope things work out for you.

Can Ijust qualify what CAB staff will do? They may be able to arrange a free interview. Some bureaux have a solicitor who comes in once a week and will do a brief 20 min interview. You don't cover much in 20 mins. Other than that, all they can do is point you in the direction of local firms that offer free initial consultations (and these are becoming few and far between).

You should be able to obtain information on what benefits you would be entitled to, but, yes, you will have to sort that out with the Benefits Agency yourself.

Thank you for that link SD, I am just having a read through the site now and it looks very useful.

Thanks Freckle

Dreams don't mean anything Tamba, they're just a way of letting off emotional steam.

Im worried about the boys atm. Ds1 is 4 and has been fully toilet trained for 2 years but today has wet himself twice. DS1 is 2 and is normally a great sleeper but last night was up for hours screaming for daddy and is in his room at the moment again crying for daddy.

If it is going to affect them so much I would rather have him back tbh. I just dont think I can do this. My head is still really hurting. This is the longest migraine ive ever had!

Kids are great at adjusting and they are also great at manipulating situations! Right now they can probably see that you react when they cry for daddy - you probably cry a bit and hug them, give them lots of attention, and they think "great! I could do with a bit more of this! If I cry for daddy at bedtime I might be able to get up and play for 10 minutes!"

No doubt it will be hard on them, but as your dh works nights I take it that they are actually used to not having him around all the time? So long as you stick to a routine for them (routines make kids feel safe and secure) and make sure they have regular contact with their dad they will be ok.

Ther's no way Dh or MIL could be planting stuff in their heads is there? Try to give them all the attention they need Tamba.

Dh would never try and upset the boys. One thing I can say for him is that he has always been a great father.

He is coming with me to the CAB appointment next week

As a child of divorced parents, I think what you are doing is great Tamba and if you keep it amicable, your kids really won't be affected that much. My bil sees his kids quite regularly and although his ex is an evil bitch that tells the kids daddy gives them no money, daddy is horrible, etc, the kids are very well-rounded and happy, they are 9 and 6.

He just called me from work, which he has never done before to say goodnight to DS1 as he was worried he wouldnt know why daddy wasnt there. It will be his 5th night not being here (2 nights at his moms and then the stag do) so normally (if he had been doing nights) he would be around tonight so I guess the kids are wondering why the routine has changed ifswim.

I didnt take ds1 to school today either as I couldnt face it but I know i have to take him tomorrow to keep everything as normal as possible. DH is going to get up early and pick him up and drop him back so he will at least get to see them for an hour before he goes off to work again.
Infact I go do with the fresh air to as i havent been able to face going out of the house since saturday morning. Would help if i ran a comb through my hair too - I look a mess and thats not helping me feel any better.

I will have to explain to his teacher so that she can keep an eye on him and let me know how hes been.

Don't waver Tamba, this is your big opportunity to turn things around. Everything is very raw at the moment, but it doesn't have to mean the end if that isn't what you want. You are doing great with what you are doing at the moment.

I know that you don't want the other thread mentioned but I think it is very relevant to what has happened. Your dh obviously has very strange ideas on how to treat women and you should use this break as a chance to get yourself together and get him to get the counselling that he so desperately needs.

I know I wasn't very patient with you before, but it is only because I found the whole situation so frustrating. I've been through a nightmare seperation myself and if you need to know anything at all, don't hesitate to contact me.

How are you feeling today Tamba ?