****Mumsnetter NEEDS a break from her DH, can anyone help??****

[monkeytrousers]

Tamba and her two little ones needs some serious R&R asap. \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=181443\see here}

Lets see what mumsnet can do!

(Hope you don't mind Tamba, I though this might help with the details in thread title)

you already have a house you cant get social housing unless he is kicking you out or you are selling it and can't afford to buy another.

if you sell it - the benefits people will want to know where the profit has gone. they will not pay you benefits whilst you have savings.

they can check on your savings - they can go into your bank account.

my advice is to set up a couple more bank accounts.

they can only search the information you tell them.

go to CAB find out what benefits you would be entitled to and what rights you have.

he may insist onselling the property as he wants his share of the equity.

for fucks sake dont leave the house. it would be considered abandonment - and he can claim to live in it and to get him out would be an ordeal including legal people.

best tof ind out what the likley value of your house is
what benefits you would be entitled to and what advice the CAB can give you regarding savings and benefits.
how long the housing waiting list is.
when you should apply for a house.

I think if we sold the house we would end up owing money as we took out a higher mortgage than the house is worth (by 15 grand)

Could I tell them that hes kicking me out - is there anyway for them to check?

We have one bank account which is a joint one. If i opened my own all that would go into it would be the child benifit.

Can't do any of that tomorrow though so don't worry about it now. can you get your friend around?

Get to CAB on MOnday after kids are at school? Take one step at a time. Think of that as the biggest one. You'll have to wait for a while though so try to get there early and take a book.

Friend is on holiday :)

Tommorrow, i expect he will be back late. He will have to go to his moms first and pick up the car, and then will come here where i will have a bag waiting for him. He can then go back to his mothers. He goes onto nights monday for 4 shifts so I will arrange a day and time for him to come round and talk when hes finished nights and has had a chance to think about what hes done. And it will also give me time to think too.

Hi Tamba I didn't realise that there was more going on between you than just this weekend and it had reached this stage

If you worked 16 hrs a week ( i think) you would be able to get tax credits and help with childcare costs. I don't know how old your lo's are so not sure how feasible this is for you.

Take care

Hes just text me

"GoodNight, Love you Lots"

you ok?

okay, if you can it will help not to get into any shouting matches. Let them rant and rave, throw a note out of the window telling them they are upsetting the children and asking them to stop, that it's between you and DH and you will sort it out when he time is right, but that respectfully, it's non of their business. That you will ring the police if they do not not leave you alone. (Get the notes ready now!) How wonderful would it be never to see or have to listen to them again!?

Stand you ground, you are in the right here. I know it will be hard. Protect yourself and your kids; bottom line. x

This is a long road of recovery if he agrees to it Tamba, nothing will happen overnight or even in months, If he agrees he must keep it up for YEARS.

From what you've said about his mother, he's obviuosly very confused about what love is..How can such a women jeopardise her grandchildrens happiness like this? She is plainly mad - try and pity her, rather than be intimidated. You have the moral ground here. I'll shut up now, sorry. {{}}

Im ok. Feeling a tad guilty cause he text me something nice, but now i know hes ok, i can stop worrying about him and get on with worrying about me and the kids. Just feel a little numb and very tired.

I dont do shouting matches Will make notes areaplane shaped with very sharp points!

Yes, it's you and the kids now - he has too much of the wrong kind of support but he needs to work that out himself.

Are you thinking about a temporary seperation or something more permanent?

I didnt reply to his text but he just text me again

"give the boys a kiss from me, I love you, cant wait to see you tommorrow"

What planet is he on!!! he last time i text him was to tell him that he will be staying at his mothers - hours and hours ago. He hasnt even acknowledged it

I dont know yet rickman. I will say it is tempory and see how i feel and how he acts.

Oh dear, be careful of the, 'I didnt get it' excuse. He really does have his head in the clouds doesn't he. Can you tune your phone off and try and get some sleep?

Just saw your photos Tamba - you are beautiful and so young. beautiful boys. You have time for this.. CAT me if you want, but ignore me at your leisure too! x

Thanks MT :)

Havent paid to CAT but my email addy is all over the site! You will have just used it to see the pics :)

I am exhausted and ds has finally gone to sleep so I am off to bed.

HAve been playing spongebob square pants on the puter to turn my brain to mush so hopefully i will sleep well

Thanks all xxx

Get some sleep. x

OMG - I've only just seen this, I can't believe he went, I remember your thread Tamba and you were so set against the whole idea of it!

hang on! i have missed something here.

Tambas DH went to a strip club and Tamba is cross cos he lied to her.

Why is she now sending him to his mothers?

I missed the link which i think was important. Could someone fill me in?

The link was important but tamba asked for it to be removed.So i dont think its right to say what it was about iyswim.

not even a hint??

Think its up to tamba not me.sorry.

xxxxxxxxxx

what more can i say? i dont think you should leave your house. i think ive read the courts can order that you and the kids live in the family home with ex paying some mortgage as part of maint until the kids are 16 - or is it 19 if in full time education? anyway, i would say dont leave until you have established if that is an option. go to cab, they are wonderful at all manner of legal gubbins and entitlements and such.

also, it soulds from his texts that he thinks you are just pissed off and you dont actually mean what you say. i bet he will be very very very shocked tomorrow. decide what you want and be strong. if you really want him to move out dont be talked round. if you feel you cant be, maybe consider leaveing his stuff outside and chaining/bolting/baracading (!) the door!

re his family. well! if it was me, i would simply say thank you for your concern but i am not discussing my marriage with anyone else. dont get into discussion at all! and btw - just cos someone shows up at your door does not mean you have to let them in. dont answer the door if you dont want to.

you know where i am if you need anything. xx

oh forgot to add - it is so so important to mean what you say. sadly, i speak from experience. the first time you go back on something like this, let unacceptable behaviour go, or threaten to leave without being able to follow thru - you send the message that he can do this to you and you will take it smack up the jacksie.