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Original poster

****Mumsnetter NEEDS a break from her DH, can anyone help??****

155 replies

monkeytrousers · 10/06/2006 21:28

Tamba and her two little ones needs some serious R&R asap. \link{http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=181443\see here}

Lets see what mumsnet can do!

(Hope you don't mind Tamba, I though this might help with the details in thread title) Smile

OP posts:
EvesMama · 11/06/2006 20:55

he sounds like he's on self destruct?..even just telling you this he must know how you'll feel/react..you need space and he needs to sort his head out..what is wanting to come of this?

Original poster
monkeytrousers · 11/06/2006 20:58

I know it's so hard but try not to think about this is catastrophic terms, the enormity of it all will be too much for you. You are just giving yourself some space to think..to breathe...

OP posts:
Pruni · 11/06/2006 20:59

Did he tell you that in a sort of "sod you" way or did he come over as sorry that he'd done it?

Esmummy · 11/06/2006 21:00

Tamba, I sypathise with you. My DP has been on 3 stag do's in the last 18 months, the most recent of which was his. He went to strip clubs on the 2 earlier ones but not on his own, I personally am not bothered by strip clubs or DP going to them, however, I am the only one out of all my friends and all of DP's friends wives/girlfriends who thinks like this.
DP went in Barcelona and Amsterdam so it may be different but from what he has told me tonight 'Private Dances' firstly don't tend to be pre-arranged, the also have to be paid for each time £20 a go or something like that and also the ones he has been to have been one on one. I am not trying to make you feel worse, promise, just think you should know that maybe DH isn't being 100% truthful about what goes on there.
Although I don't share the same views as you regarding strippers/strip clubs I am completely with you on the dishonesty front, I would be furious, gutted, outraged, seething etc etc.
I didn't see what your earlier link was about but there has been a thread about recently which i think it may be related to, whatever it is I hope you get things sorted for you and DS's.

PS - Did you get out of Friday night then ?

Esmummy · 11/06/2006 21:01

Did you get out on Friday night ?

fullmoonfiend · 11/06/2006 21:02

Tamba, you are probably still in shock. I know your head must seem full to bursting, but I don't think you should be trying to make any huge life-changing decisions right now. Could you concentrate on what you would like to happen next in an ideal world, and maybe try to see how that could be achieved? Rather than trying to think of the whole thing all at once, IYSWIM. Bite-size chunks, hun. ((((Hugs)))

fullmoonfiend · 11/06/2006 21:12

have emailed you, hope you don't mind

TheMammy · 11/06/2006 21:21

Good Luck xxx

Rhubarb · 11/06/2006 21:35

Tamba - you still need to open your own bank account, even if it's just the child benefit that goes into it. If his mother is as manipulative as all that then she can talk him into just about anything. He could leave you broke! I would take out a sum from the joint bank account and put it into your own, then get the child benefit paid into it, that is for you and the children, something he cannot touch.

I don't know why the doctors is mentioned but I take it that he has done something other than just watching lap dances? I cannot possibly see how his mother would condone that kind of behaviour! I suppose one thing is that he is being honest with you rather than trying to hide it all.

My b-i-l has divorced, his wife didn't work, she was at college, she stayed in the house with the children and threw him out. He still paid the mortgage though and I think he would be legally required to do so as it is his children's home. So don't worry about the mortgage. He would also be required to pay a certain amount each month for the children. You need to see a solicitor about all of this. But you are ENTITLED to stay in the house with your children and he is OBLIGED to carry on paying the mortgage.

Wishing you lots and lots of strength.

magnolia1 · 11/06/2006 21:35

Oh hun, only just seen this Sad

I hope you are ok and I am sure you will stay strong enough to do what you need and want to do. Please don't feel intimadated by his mother!!!

Is there anyone who can come and stay with you for a while? I really think you could do with someone to lean on for the 1st few wobbly days.

Please email if you want to chat or just let off steam Smile ([email protected])

Thinking of you xxxx

Rhubarb · 11/06/2006 21:38

We are in France until mid June, if you want a weekend break let us know. We have a sofa bed set up for guests and can pick you up from either Bordeaux airport or Bergerac airport. You are more than welcome to stay with us and have a holiday! Smile

Rhubarb · 11/06/2006 21:38

mid July, sorry.

MadameButterfly · 12/06/2006 09:03

Hi Tamba,

Sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment.

I will email you.

MB

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 12/06/2006 10:47

I got your emails thank you.

Last night was really really hard. I was so upset and so lonely and the kids were crying most of the night for daddy. I ended up calling him at 1am for nothing in particular, but i couldnt sleep.

Hes been round this morning and picked the boys up and has taken them to the park to feed the ducks. It is friendly and plesant when he is here and its so confusing. He kissed me as he left and said he loved me and missed me.

I feel like ive been hit over the head with a vrick. My head is killing me and I am exhausted and keep bursting into tears.

When he was talking about the lap dances he said that it was just fun and he didnt think about how I would feel. But we had talked about it alot before he went so he knew that it would hurt me and he decided not to respect my feelings, not to think about what it would do to me and to just do it anyway. Everytime I look at him I just see him with a naked woman on his lap and it discusts me. Its not only that he was pervying other strippers its what it represents to me. He knows that I find the idea of men seeing women as objects to please them selves and having no respect for them repulsive - as ive been on the other side of it.

Rhubard, thank you so much for your offer, it is so tempting but I cant afford it. Not least because he spent the money on his cheap thrills!

I am hurt and angry and feeling betrayed, but underneath all that is the thought that I havent been happy for a while now due to other aspects of our relationship and that maybe this was just the catalyst for it.

I dont know what to do, I really honestly dont. He goes onto nights tonights so we wont see him for 4 days anyhow. He keeps texting me to say he loves me although I havent been replying.

He too agrees that things havent been right for a while, but says he loves me and wants to work it out. ut I dont think I can forgive him and even if i could It wont happen over night.

Sorry for the ramble, my head is all over the place.

Rhubarb · 12/06/2006 10:55

I think he needs to accept that he did wrong and he disrespected you. He also needs to accept that his family are overbearing and he has to defend you, fight your corner. His loyalties lie with you now, you are his family, he cannot allow them to hound you.

I think it can work, but you both need to see someone. He is probably hoping that you will forgive him and it will all be swept under the carpet. Is he making any attempt to talk further about it all? Or is he just making you feel guilty with his loving texts?

This will happen again if it is not addressed now. He betrayed your trust and he does not protect you from his family - he listens to them more than he listens to you. He needs to change his priorities. Unless he agreed to go to counselling I wouldn't have him back.

You're doing brilliantly! You are a strong person and now you are calling the shots on this relationship, keep strong!

CaptainDippy · 12/06/2006 11:14

Oh Tamba!! Sad I am so sorry that you should have to go through this. I wish there was more I could do or say. I thinking of you and praying for you. [hugs]] xxxx

Dior · 12/06/2006 11:23

Tamba - I think I have seen your other thread (under a pseudonym), and if it was you, I am so sorry that things are the way they are. He obviously needs help, as the lap-dance thing is just an extention of the disrespect he has shown you. I hope you manage to sort out your feelings in the next few days and move on with the rest of your life, whether that includes him or not. xxx

SaintGeorge · 12/06/2006 11:34

Hi mate. Obviously only just got to read this and assume link was to that thread so some people understand the real situation now.

Mobile now on charge, ring me again later if you need to talk. Oh and let me have your new mobile number, I only have the old one.

Hope you are coping with MIL's visit.

xx

Carmenere · 12/06/2006 11:44

Would therapy help? Sorry if it has been suggested before but it sounds to me like there are a lot of good things that you don't want to let go of in this relationship but you can't ignore the bad things if you want a happy life with this man.
If you talked about all the hurtful things he has done in front of a third party he may realise how totally out of order he has been and there way be a way through for both of you. Or it may be a way of sorting both your heads out for an amicable split up (if such thing exists)

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 12/06/2006 11:51

Thanks STG - mil was just posting some of Jonathans clothes through the letter box that he'd left at hers.

I havent suggested relate or anything to him, tbh I havent really thought about it but its something I may consider after this week is up (I am having this week to myself so I can think and prove to myself that i can manage alone) and then we will talk about stuff.

As for keeping things friendly - we havent shouted or swore, so we are doign very well at keeping things nice. We just want whats best for the children. There will be no problems with access to the kids as we have agreed on what suits us all.

But maybe that will change if we decide to make it offical, but for now we are in that inbetweeny stage where he is being super nice iykwim.

Will text you my mobile number.

Original poster
monkeytrousers · 12/06/2006 11:55

I don't want to say too much Carmenere, but Tamba's DH has very serious problems in other areas which have contributed to this.

Tamba hon, you are doing great. Are you going to the CAB today?

OP posts:
LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 12/06/2006 11:57

I have to make an appointment as its at my doctors surgery, which I am trying to do but it is engaged. TBH is scary phoning them as it feels like another step towards being all alone and the amount of steps im taking atm, I might as well just jump off the cliff and free fall! IYKWIM

LadyTambaOfTambaTown · 12/06/2006 12:00

Appointment is NEXT monday at 5.30pm with Peter (thought i may as well put all the details on here as I cant find a pen and will otherwise forget Grin)

Thats seems ages away!

Erm what else should I be doing? Can I sort out benifits and stuff through the CAB or do I need to do that somewhere else? Do I need my own bank account (I only have a joint one with dh atm) - sorry if ive asked this beofre but my heads turned to mush!

jampots · 12/06/2006 12:01

gosh tamba - ive only just seen this. Like some others, it all appears quite disjointed as the linking thread is now missing.

Call me if you want to meet up at some point for a coffee and chat.

x

Original poster
monkeytrousers · 12/06/2006 12:50

It won't hurt to have your own bank account, but there's no rush. DH is still supporting you and the boys right? Just try to take the time, at least a week like you said, to think things over. It won't always be so scary.

OP posts:
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