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Post Natal Depression - A Difficult Journey

112 replies

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/04/2006 00:26

Imagine walking through a lovely meadow. The sun shining. Looking up at a beautiful sky. Bright blue, lots of fluffy white clouds drifting by. Butterflies fluttering amongst the buttercups and daisies. Your fingers brushing the tips of the long grass as you walk.....and then suddenly, you stumble.

You manage to catch yourself after faltering for a bit. You dust yourself down, and keep on walking, admiring the beautiful surroundings. You stumble again, this time falling into a deep, unmarked pit. You keep falling and falling, grabbing out and flailing wildly to try and get a grip on something, anything. After what seems like forever, you stop your slide downwards and hit rock bottom. You are exhausted from your sudden and unexpected decent into darkness.

Before you know where you are, and what has happened, you are at the bottom of a deep hole with no idea how you got there or how to get out. You can see a chink of light in the top, but its quite far away, and you cant trust that the chink of light is the only way out, but you claw towards it anyway, even though you are exhausted and bruised and battered from your fall.

Its a lonely time in this hole. Only you and the darkness. You couldnt see anyone else even if they were there, because of the darkness and coldness of your environment. But once you realise where you are, you know you have to clamber out and,` if you are lucky, someone will pass by and offer a hand of help to pull you out.

Despite being exhausted, and bruised and battered, you clamber you way to the top, and you finally make your way out of the hole. Yet you are still shocked and stunned by what happened. How could you miss such a big hole in front of you? Why couldnt you see it coming? How come no-one before you has fallen into this hole (you think) and not thought to block it up? Many people before you has managed to walk through the meadow without falling into this pit, why couldnt you have seen it coming, or prevented it, or just had a better journey?

You are stood, standing in this beautiful meadow, but all you can think about is the dark hole that you have just fallen into and clambered out of, how sore and aching your body is, and how tired you are. The beauty around you means nothing for a while. But you are grateful to be out, and you realise you should appreciate the beautiful surroundings.

You keep walking, but you find yourself no longer admiring the sky, the clouds, the butterflies, the flowers. You are busy looking at your feet. Concentrating hard, because, you dont want to fall into another pit, and waylaid by your aching bones and tired body.

You lose sight of all the beautiful things around you because you are continuing your journey looking only down at the ground, on alert for danger. You dont appreciate the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the butterflies, because you are too scared of falling down another hole, you still have the bruises from the last fall.

You are terrified that, if you take your eyes off terra firma for a moment, you could slip down that hole again and you wont find your way out so easily this time.

It is a long, lonely journey, spent staring at the ground, before you trust your surroundings, and your instincts enough again to appreciate your journey, and realise its beauty. To wander through the meadow staring at the beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds.

OP posts:
mummyhill · 17/08/2006 20:15

Not yet but am seriousley considering going back on them as I feel I may have stopped taking them too soon last time.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 20:18

Might be an idea. Book an appiontment tomorrow to see your GP again.

OP posts:
Loon · 17/08/2006 20:19

Have been on ADs for nearly 2 yrs. VVV my DH read your description of depression and now understands. Just joined mumsnet and it's helped him to see that it's not just me. He's been amazing and I'm lucky but you couldn't have described it better. I said never again after DD was born but can look back on the dark period and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and now love being mummy.

jofeb04 · 17/08/2006 20:21

Im going to have to copy it, and put it in my bag.
Sometimes my days are wonderful, others are awful, but, I think that if i read this on my down days, it could very much help.

Thanks

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 20:23

Im so glad it helps. I wrote it so that other people (who haven't had depression) could understand. Its so difficult to comprehend if you haven't been there.

So many people think you can just "snap out of it".

OP posts:
mummyhill · 17/08/2006 20:23

Thank's VVVQV will book up and see if I can get thyroid function tested first, get the results back and if everything shows normal ask for ad's. If the levels are low an increase in my thyroxine dosage may well sort it all out.

The most difficult thing for me is judging wether it is thyroid induced or wether I need to get ad's.

mummyhill · 17/08/2006 20:25

If I had 1p for everytime I have been told to snap out of it I would be a very rich woman.

The worst one was going into the gp to tell him I thought I was spiralling wth pnd and being told not to be so silly all I needed was extra support at home. And how the GP in question was managing to do 2 jobs & support his lovely wife with their then 11 month old child.

Loon · 17/08/2006 20:27

The most difficult question for me to answer was "But why do you feel like this? Our daughter's gorgeous. there's nothing to be depressed about". When people stated the obvious it just added guilt onto mwhtever else was swirling round in my head.

It does end, but you never forget.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 20:41

at your GP MH....

THats half the problem Loon, you do have lotso f things to be grateful for, and people often tell you so, but, you still dont feel happy, and therefore start to feel guilty as well.

People dont understand that it is an illness. Its a chemical imbalance (seratonin) in the brain. The brain, for one reason or another stops producing the seratonin enough or distributing it properly. AD's help that, and also righting the problem that may have caused it too.

OP posts:
mummyhill · 17/08/2006 20:45

When it comes to fight or flight my instinct is to start running as soon as things start to get on top of me but I have nowhere to run as I can't leave my two beautiful children. I was once told that i couldn't have pnd (by same GP) because I bonded so well with the children. It was myself and the rest of the world I hated not my babies. Although I would never harm myself as that would harm the children. I will just decapitated the next person to critisize(SP) me.

youknowwhat · 17/08/2006 21:15

VeniVidiVickiQV, your post is FANTASTIC!!!!
Could I be allowed to copy it ans show it to other mums who are struggling with PND?
I am just staring to be able to talk about it, how I felt etc.. and I would agree with you, this is a very long journey. But I would never have been able to describe it so precisley and so nicely at the same time.
Again WELL DONE.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 21:36

Yes, youknowwhat, you can - but can you CAT me first please?

Ta

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 21/08/2006 17:51

bump for seagulls.

OP posts:
biglips · 31/08/2006 11:41

WOW!!! thats is really good (and true!)

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:42

Completely and utterly summed it up for me. Amazing. Thank you. xxx

poppiesinaline · 03/09/2006 21:58

That is fab VVV. Very accurately written with excellent insight. You have a true talent.

magnolia1 · 03/09/2006 22:10

I really can't believe that what you wrote is exactly as I have felt after my last 2 children (well 3 coz of twins)

Actually made me cry to think of the feeling again

fransmom · 04/09/2006 21:39

oh bab x we know how you feel on here, i haven't posted for a long time cos i fell in and am just managing to climb back out again.

vvv, i managed to get him to understand but only cos he admitted that he gets depressed! i don't think he's read your piece yet but will try and get him to.

hugs for everyone ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

wannawalkaway · 07/12/2006 15:32

this needs a bump

FrostyTheSnowMarsLady · 20/12/2006 13:12

must be time for another bump!

lucy5 · 28/04/2007 10:18

I know this is an old thread but I have noticed quite a few people recently who could probably do with reading it. Hope noone minds.

ontheslipperyslopeagain · 28/04/2007 12:21

thanks

I remember reading this ages ago and tried to find it agan recentl through search, but didn't have any luck. then it appeared.

Thanks

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/05/2007 23:08

thought this could do with a bump.....

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 25/09/2007 10:24

Bumping this - not been bumped for a while

ClassAct · 22/11/2007 23:21

Massive bump....