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Post Natal Depression - A Difficult Journey

112 replies

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/04/2006 00:26

Imagine walking through a lovely meadow. The sun shining. Looking up at a beautiful sky. Bright blue, lots of fluffy white clouds drifting by. Butterflies fluttering amongst the buttercups and daisies. Your fingers brushing the tips of the long grass as you walk.....and then suddenly, you stumble.

You manage to catch yourself after faltering for a bit. You dust yourself down, and keep on walking, admiring the beautiful surroundings. You stumble again, this time falling into a deep, unmarked pit. You keep falling and falling, grabbing out and flailing wildly to try and get a grip on something, anything. After what seems like forever, you stop your slide downwards and hit rock bottom. You are exhausted from your sudden and unexpected decent into darkness.

Before you know where you are, and what has happened, you are at the bottom of a deep hole with no idea how you got there or how to get out. You can see a chink of light in the top, but its quite far away, and you cant trust that the chink of light is the only way out, but you claw towards it anyway, even though you are exhausted and bruised and battered from your fall.

Its a lonely time in this hole. Only you and the darkness. You couldnt see anyone else even if they were there, because of the darkness and coldness of your environment. But once you realise where you are, you know you have to clamber out and,` if you are lucky, someone will pass by and offer a hand of help to pull you out.

Despite being exhausted, and bruised and battered, you clamber you way to the top, and you finally make your way out of the hole. Yet you are still shocked and stunned by what happened. How could you miss such a big hole in front of you? Why couldnt you see it coming? How come no-one before you has fallen into this hole (you think) and not thought to block it up? Many people before you has managed to walk through the meadow without falling into this pit, why couldnt you have seen it coming, or prevented it, or just had a better journey?

You are stood, standing in this beautiful meadow, but all you can think about is the dark hole that you have just fallen into and clambered out of, how sore and aching your body is, and how tired you are. The beauty around you means nothing for a while. But you are grateful to be out, and you realise you should appreciate the beautiful surroundings.

You keep walking, but you find yourself no longer admiring the sky, the clouds, the butterflies, the flowers. You are busy looking at your feet. Concentrating hard, because, you dont want to fall into another pit, and waylaid by your aching bones and tired body.

You lose sight of all the beautiful things around you because you are continuing your journey looking only down at the ground, on alert for danger. You dont appreciate the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the butterflies, because you are too scared of falling down another hole, you still have the bruises from the last fall.

You are terrified that, if you take your eyes off terra firma for a moment, you could slip down that hole again and you wont find your way out so easily this time.

It is a long, lonely journey, spent staring at the ground, before you trust your surroundings, and your instincts enough again to appreciate your journey, and realise its beauty. To wander through the meadow staring at the beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds.

OP posts:
Bouj · 03/05/2006 05:26

QV - did you get my cat regarding this?

veNivIDiViCkiqV · 03/05/2006 11:21

Whoops! am replying now...Blush

Sorry!

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Bouj · 05/05/2006 12:34

Thank you! Have replied...

VVVQV · 24/06/2006 23:57

Bump for Miaou.

Miaou · 25/06/2006 08:11

Thanks for the bump vvv - how ironic that I am now reading this from "inside the hole" this time! It is very appropriate however.

VVVQV · 27/06/2006 00:04

Im glad it helps.

I am now walking, glancing up at the sky. It can and does pass. I have been taking AD's for this. (Particularly for the insomnia aspect, which is a symptom of depression, as well as a cause and has got completely better after upping the dose 7 weeks ago).

I will be on AD's for some months to come yet, but its no big deal, im enjoying life again.

fransmom · 27/06/2006 11:02

hi everyone x
have found another way of describing pnd to dp, maybe it might help someone else? you know those pea-souper fogs we used to get when we were younger? when it's kind of like that but black fog. i was reaching out but couldn't see anyone. he actually kind of understood that one. feel like i'm walking on the grass today

FlameBoo · 27/06/2006 11:16

Last time I read this, I was watching my feet, today though, even after sod all sleep for the past few days, I am looking round me at the flowers.

I like reading this every now and then just really to remind myself that I am not alone.

fransmom · 27/06/2006 13:34

that's the worst thing about it isn't it? it makes you feel so isolated and that no-one is there who can help / understand. when we're having good days i think it's only then that we realise just how many have pnd, are willing to admit they have pnd (i wasn't at first - now i'll talk about it with everyon who wants to know- because if it helps one more person who's going through it as well, then i feel as though i've helped somebody), then get the help they need.

lucy5 how are you? hope ok x

lucy5 · 28/06/2006 11:27

Thanks Fransmom! I am fine, I am now 17 weeks preggers and have been having a hard time with blood pressure and had a terrible time with the tablets. I was quite low but have now got used to the tablets and am finally vertical again. Hope all is well with you too

fransmom · 29/06/2006 10:23

not too bad today thanks, have had rough time with dp tho, got to point where i told him to leave cos i was sick of his patronising manner - he's only just admitted to me that he thinks he's going thru midlife crisis. not really sure how to help wtih that one tho i said that maybe he could go to docs cos they heard it all before there. not sure if he will tho. will have to take one day at a time i think. x

fransmom · 05/07/2006 23:51

well bugger me if we not back there again. apologies for my language ladies. i watched harry potter fil with him, thinks it's goblet of fire.anyway there's a scene near the end of it where a father loses his child. i had mc at2.5mths in '94 and it brought back pain in big way that i wasn't expecting and explained to him. later on he says i should stop having these mood swings cos they upset me so much. wtf? does he think i plan these? or that i enjoy having them? have been pretty low all day and had hardly any support from him again. i just feel so bloody lonely and feel like crying again.
cried for nearly half hour before just felt so painful cos it felt like things weren't wroking anymore iykwim

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/07/2006 23:54

Oh fransmom

Has he not read this? He really doesnt seem to get it does he?

Saying you should "stop having these mood swings" is like telling someone to stop having headaches.

OP posts:
frumpygrumpy · 06/07/2006 00:00

What a fabulous piece VVV. You are a talented, beautiful person. Love to all, keep rebelling......x.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 06/07/2006 00:36

aww thanks frumpy grumpy. x

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mili · 13/07/2006 20:16

Very well written, vvv. Hope all everyone is ok

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 17:14

bump.

OP posts:
sallystrawberry · 17/08/2006 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 18:41

Thank you SS

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mummyhill · 17/08/2006 19:02

Only found this today and it has summed up how I feel most of the time.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 19:13

mummyhill. Hope you start feeling better soon.

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mummyhill · 17/08/2006 19:29

One step/day at a time. Some are better than others and the end of the tunnel/top of the pit is in sight.

I have been on and off AD's since the age of 16 due to thyroid imbalance, bereavement and PND. To me it is a long rocky road that appears to be so well travelled I recognise bits along the way and endeavour to step round that gapping pit but it's not allways as easy as that cause I can't always tell what will trigger me off.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 19:47

No, indeed. Normally, by the time you realise you are starting to become unwell again you are already down there. Its hard. Are you taking AD's now?

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CheesyFeet · 17/08/2006 19:53

VVVQV, that is a beautifully written piece. You sum it up so elopuently.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 17/08/2006 19:56

THanks cheesy

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