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Original poster

dh thinks me strange as not at it like when we first met...am I abnormal?

73 replies

lavender1 · 27/12/2003 19:55

dh looked really p'd just before he went out and he yet again explained that it was because I rarely come up to him and instigate sex and he feels I should be just as exuberant as when we first met 15 YEARS AGO! I am just of fond of intimate relations as ever but he is always saying how bad I am at this and that is why he is unhappy...The problem is happiness for me is based on other things, friends, doing things for other people, feeling part of a team and working towards some community thing or other and of course having loving relations. Is there anybody out there who feels that their partner is expecting too much from them and that the more somebody expects and wants the harder it is to give freely...sorry to rant and rave but just feel dh has these expectations which sometimes I cannot fulfill because am mother, friend, wife and cannot be some kind of perfect human being capable of being all to everyone....Love to hear anyone's comments here.

OP posts:
saintshar · 27/12/2003 20:06

I think this is very 'normal.' You know us Women run the Universe, and if we are a bit too tired at the end of the day for a bit of nookie, our men feel ever so put-out.
I also agree that the more pressure your other half puts on you, it is a BIG turn off. This happened with me and DH, and when i told him this, he backed off a little which made things much better.
I also explained that a major part is that i am always so tired, so he helped out more around the house. I am lucky aren't I?

Original poster
lavender1 · 27/12/2003 20:21

saintshar,

You are lucky but you do create your own luck in life!...my dh does cook meals and stuff but I still don't have the drive I had all those years ago....put it this way I know it's going to sound a bit feeble but there is nobody who looks after the children for us for a day or too, my dm(darling mother) has brought 5 girls up and I think has had enough, df (darling father)sadly passed away and parents inlaw have passed away too so we don't really get time away on own except when we both the day off...wonder if spending all time doing the family thing makes a difference ie. we have never in 8 and 1/2years of children being around had more than 24 hours on our own together...am a bit wingey sorry...please tell me someone else has this problem.

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 27/12/2003 20:44

God I do and I suppose most other women do - certainly plenty of my friends do. For me, the bottom line is, I just can't be arsed a lot of the time! This sounds like its an issue but it isnt, (tho it can be for DH), I don't need therapy or whatever, its just I don't always feel like it. You probably have so many demands on your time and therefore on yourself, sometimes sex feels like another bit of yourself to give away when you'd rather have a bath or read or just get some sleep
Also, I don't think men realise that we have evolved past the knock them on the head and drag them off era, women need a little seduction which they don't get from dropping into bed at the end of the day and "getting on with it" if you see what I mean!
I think a common remedy is to go back to the beginning, no sex just kissing and cuddling etc and gradually getting more intimate - like you are dating again but I don't know if I could be bothered going thru all that malarky!
Problem is, you reach a point where everytime he gives you a kiss or a cuddle, you think oh god, he wants sex!
Tell him you are just like thousands of other women and if you feel pressured, you feel less and less like sex and also, can a kiss and cuddle just be a kiss and cuddle sometimes. HTH

motherinferior · 27/12/2003 20:57

There are masses of threads on just this (I know, I've contributed to most of them!). How is it that a bloke can spend all evening in no contact at all, bar the occasional grunt in front of the telly, and then expect one to fall under the duvet and make mad passionate inventive lurve ?

nutcracker · 27/12/2003 21:45

I agree with LiSA 78 completely. My dp only has to smile at me (very rare) and I think 'oh god not tonight' I really just love to go straight to bed and straight to sleep. This has been quite a big issue for ages now. One of the problems though is that ds3 sleeps in our room.

Roscoe · 27/12/2003 22:03

A friend of mine found a great way to deal with this situation. She told her dh she wanted sex twice a night. He thought this was great - until the 4th night when he could only manage it once. She let him get away with just one shg - on the condition that she got 3 the following night. He could only manage one. Each night she added the 'missing' shgs to his total. By the time it reached double figures he was begging to be left alone. Drastic but effective....

Chandra · 27/12/2003 23:05

Oh! Roscoe nice recipe, I have laughed so much and definitively sounds very effective :0

lyndsey66 · 27/12/2003 23:24

I am in shock! Does he really say to you he is unhappy because you dont instigate sex!!?? Of all the things that could be wrong with your relationship, all the pressures couples have and the stresses of life - and this is what makes him unhappy?

Well I have to say - although I am trying to hold back - he needs to grow up and understand that things change - especially when you have children. I dont think that you are in the wrong one bit. It sounds like he is picking fault just for the sake of it.

When I was pregnant I was quite ill - so I couldnt have sex - so in all we went about 10 months with none at all. Not just me not instigating - NONE, NOTHING, complete nonsexual! Your dh should count himself lucky!

You sound like an intelligent, multi tasking and perfectly reasonable wife to me - dont let him bully you about this and keep talking to people on here to gain perspective (men can make you feel like they are right and you are wrong - other women can back you up!!)
If he eased off you - you would probably feel more up for it.

There said it, feel a bit better, hope I havent been too blunt, it does irritate me. Dont try and be super women, being a mother is hard enoughx x x

nutcracker · 27/12/2003 23:25

Well said L66

lyndsey66 · 27/12/2003 23:25

PS: In short lavender1 - u are normal!

Lisa78 · 27/12/2003 23:45

Very normal

Print this out and give it to him!!!

And if that doesn't work, remind him that he (presumably) has two perfectly functional hands
and that no-one ever died from not having sex
(except, perhaps, Roscoe's friends husband!)

Original poster
lavender1 · 27/12/2003 23:48

lyndsey66,

You don't know how much better I feel reading your thoughts....My dh has actually said on a number of occassions in a crowded restaurant that " You are cold and heartless, just like your family; I crave affection from you" ,...doesn't he see, when people expect it is not easily returned because needy people require something missing in themselves that others can't give, am very giving, normal woman with desires but nagging over 8 years takes it out of you. Dh wants it every day, if doesn't get it throws a sulk on, and is ALWAYS saying to me why don't you get a proper job, you're doing nothing to help towards buying a house (we are 3 years away...I earn just short of £500 a month and do a lot, he thinks I should earn £7.50 an hour between 9.30 and 2.30pm....any thoughts as to why feel so low when with dh(he thinks I should be the same person he met 15 years ago and shouldn't have changed...and often is rude to me if doesn't get own way...."f- off, go take a 360 (sorry to be so graphic but thought explanation of dh words would help to put things in perspective).......if dh had been violent towards you would that put you off making --?

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 27/12/2003 23:50

He's violent to you?

nutcracker · 28/12/2003 00:00

Lav1v- My dp also expects it every day and says similar things to me, so i know how you feel. I don't work at the mo so apparently i am a "lazy stupid old cow".

lyndsey66 · 28/12/2003 00:06

I think my blood is actually boiling now. Is he violent towards you? This sounds like a control issue Lavender. If you were giving him the sex - he would be moaning at you about something else. It sounds like nothing you do (no matter how much you earn, how sexual you are) is ever going to be good enough.
Nobody should talk to you like that or treat you like a punch bag - ESPECIALLLY your husband. You feel warm and secure and wanted in your own home - not on edge and unwanted.
I dont work and stay at home looking after our son -THAT IS MY JOB - you dont have to be out earning money to contribute money towards a house - YOU do the work in the home. If he had to do it I am sure it would be a PROPAR job then.
Dont let him wear you down - you know in your heart that this is wrong - dont let him make you start doubting your self worth.

Lisa78 · 28/12/2003 00:08

Lavendar, you still there?

lyndsey66 · 28/12/2003 00:08

and nutcraker that - you are not a lazy old cow - you are a person who deserves respect and love and not to be called names. Dont listen x x

nutcracker · 28/12/2003 00:09

Cheers L66- I know it's true but it's hard to believe when you hear it so often.

lyndsey66 · 28/12/2003 00:10

God - often - how often???

Original poster
lavender1 · 28/12/2003 00:11

lisa78,

No, he is not violent towards me, but when he has a drink I am scared of him as things have happpened involving his hands and my neck and me ending up on the the other side of the floor afetr a large shove. Please it is now history and don't want to go on too much but am trying to explain why have relations aren't as good as could be...if dh threw you to the floor and caused a lump on your head would you be all loving towards him...and he'd done other things...I find it hard to forget this stuff and his constant demands and stroppiness...Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
nutcracker · 28/12/2003 00:15

Every time he comes in from work and the flats not spic and span.

lyndsey66 · 28/12/2003 00:27

God Nutcracker - he should come to my house! Tell him to get a cleaner!!

Original poster
lavender1 · 28/12/2003 00:29

Don't be put off by the last message, was merely trying to put my point across and to explain why relations are affected with things going on ie. dw not weird just dh expects perfection...c'est vrai/

OP posts:
nutcracker · 28/12/2003 00:30

LAV1 - NO you are not being unreasonable, I have also been shoved around and had my arms twisted behind my back. I was really scared too. Are you sure you should still be together ???

lyndsey66 · 28/12/2003 00:31

Lavender - I think that way this man acts towards you is bound to make him unattractive to you. I think when in a situation like you are in you are bound to put up barriers around yourself to protect yourself and your feelings. Have you explained this all to him? That he makes you feel like this? What qualities does he have that are good?
I think you have got a lot of hurt and although you dont want to rake a lot of it up - you need to deal with this. Just because it is in the past it is ganna effect the way you feel now. Dont be so hard on yourself x

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